Lost my dog close to two years ago. That broke me, and I am no longer the same person. At the same time, I had two relationships back to back, with one being as close to a soulmate as I had ever found. I saw it in her eyes. I could feel it just when we held hands. It was a soulful/spiritual and fundamental connection. It failed. I failed. The one after her was me just trying to find her again, and it was doomed from the start. Nevertheless, the irony is I think that one really loved me, and I threw her away callously, only to deeply regret it as one of my life's dumbest decisions. But once you hurt someone like that, you don't really deserve second chances. You hope for them. You hope you learned something, but I can almost guarantee I did not. At 51, I am pretty much unemployable in my field. Savings will be depleted in 4-5 months.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the shred of a hope I can find another job, which will then allow me to sustain fitness goals, which are arbitrary and pointless but something that gives me a sense of control and accomplishment where I have none elsewhere. Some part of me clings to the (im)possibility of ever speaking to either of those two ex-girlfriends again. But if I can't support myself, holding open those tepid and honestly pathetic goals will not be sustainable.
I guess that's not really silly. Stupid is a better qualifier. Fuck it.
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