The main thing preventing me from CTB is COVID-19 and lockdown. I finally have everything I need and have found a place to do it, but I'm currently living with my parents and have no excuse to leave the house for a long period of time. If I go out for a walk/run or to the supermarket my mum always wants to come with me.
I never wanted my parents to find my dead body in their house or have to do CPR on me, but in desperation I have thought about taking the OD at night at home. I feel awful inflicting that on my parents. I also risk being disturbed in less than 24 hours after ingesting the OD, which is the least amount of time I need for the attempt to be successful so taking it at home would really be a last resort.
I also feel ashamed and incredibly guilty for wanting to CTB when NHS staff and the police are working so hard in such difficult times. I feel so bad for those NHS staff who have lost their lives fighting COVID-19. If my attempt failed and I took valuable hospital resources such as an ITU bed I would feel beyond awful. I also worry about the police and my parents coming into contact with COVID-19 if they were to try and look for me. I have found a secret place to CTB, but it's over an hour's walk away.
I am scared of failing again too and of the unknown of what happens when you die. I am frightened the police will find me before I get the chance to OD and Section me again. I'm afraid of being found alive, getting admitted to a general hospital for treatment of the OD, being put on Section 2, and then being admitted to a psychiatric ward again. I really don't want that to happen, but I can't be 100% sure the OD will work.
I come from a medical background working in a hospital and want to help fight COVID-19, but have been declared unfit for work in any capacity due to my mental health. It crushes me and makes me feel completely worthless. I've signed up as a NHS Volunteer Responder, donated to local foodbanks, and plan to give blood before I CTB to try and make myself feel like I am helping and doing some good.
The fact that there is a national crisis and I commit suicide doesn't sit well with me. When I'm well, the real me is a fighter and would help others and come up with new initiatives to resolve problems, not just quit. I don't want people to think I CTB because of COVID-19. This mental torture has been going on for years, I made several suicide attempts in 2013 and 2019 and spent most of last year in hospital. The thing is as much as I want to stay in control, I can't control what people think and say about my suicide.
I feel I want to explain all my reasoning in a letter before I CTB. I must write a list of all the things I need to do before I CTB. Enough of my ramblings, sorry to write so much.
