What is my fucking problem? (Vent)

[notmyusername]

I said fuck it today. Did some DXM. I was trying to stay off of it for the people who cared about me and wanted better for me. I am such a shitty person. I hate being sober for some reason. I just can't fucking handle it man. I don't care about living or if abusing drugs kills me or what. Who fucking cares. And I can't wait to start working and being able to do more street drugs, ecstasy was amazing.

The only thing that made life tolerable enough to not do drugs I lost. Due to doing drugs. I was high on the job, working with precious babies. I miss them so much. There are not even words to describe the void in my heart since leaving that job. I am mad at the world, fuck this place for being such a fucking shithole that people gotta always be so depressed. And fuck humans for being assholes and never cutting each other slack. And fuck me for being no better. Peace.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I think you don't know how harmful DXM actually can be... There are better drugs that could have a positive impact on you when used moderately. such as cannabis and psychedelics.

 

[Arahant]

Hi, former junkie here.

I don't think there is something wrong with you.

I think most if not all addictions are an attempt to feel deeply safe, whole and intimately connected with ourselves and others.
There is (not perfect) science emerging about this through the PolyVagal theory.
You know about fight and flight? There is a positive opposite called flock/fun/flow, when we feel safe with others and connect as humans.
Maybe you can recall working with babies, soothing them and feeling soothed yourself?
Perhaps you are like me, and that feeling can make you completely undo your cravings for a while.

This is all good news, because with this knowledge, you can learn to tap into that flock/fun/flow and live through that the majority of your time.

Now what might have you feel unsafe to begin with, I can't know as a random dude on the internet.
There are however therapists working with something called the Safe and Sound Protocol, getting interesting results with all sorts of stress related mental health issues, including addiction.

That would be my 2 cents for today. Hope this gives you more possibilities.

May everyone find true bliss and freedom.

 

[Mlifos & Sitoa]

I don't know so much thing about drugs but sometimes I feel like this too. Like, the only way I can feel happines is drugs. But I've never tried that, and I don't know if I'm gonna try it. I'm not a social person, so I don't know how can I find that. But I guess it's still good if it makes you feel like the way I think.

 

[fallingtopieces]

Cannabis has for some time now made my depression worse. My brain knows it's just trying to escape and ruins it, actually makes the depression more present. Depends on the person/context, but cannabis overall is not well regarded for alleviating depression and can make it worse.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Cannabis has for some time now made my depression worse. My brain knows it's just trying to escape and ruins it, actually makes the depression more present. Depends on the person/context, but cannabis overall is not well regarded for alleviating depression and can make it worse.

Cannabis works subconsciously, so it won't actually make your life problems go away, but it rather reflects what keeps bothering you. What we sometimes don't realize, is that it's a sign to us to confront the thing by doing something practical about it, like planning to reach some sort of goal or help, etc.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Cannabis has for some time now made my depression worse. My brain knows it's just trying to escape and ruins it, actually makes the depression more present. Depends on the person/context, but cannabis overall is not well regarded for alleviating depression and can make it worse.

Same problem with cannabis. It is great when you have your shit together and kickass life going on. For escape it is unforgiving after a while, but can keep using compulsively hoping for relief because it can still provide a brief escape the first few times and on rare occasions. Also started causing crazy muscle tension after a year or so.

DXM the magic gets lost quickly.

Have only tried minor opioids and benzos (kratom, phenibut) which will work reliably but eventually you'll spend more time in comedown than feeling well, facing withdrawal etc.

Alcohol does work actually but the problem is its interference with judgement is legit, it is tough to maintain the exact necessary dosage.

Psychs have a similar problem as with cannabis in terms of 'scaring straight' except if you are such an awful example of a human as myself there is no action that can unfuck the self, therefore being shown how shitty you are over and over is just torment there is nothing to solve.

Assuming money is not an issue, and I can lock myself away from the world for long periods of time (my lifestyle anyway, no friends etc)...
Can anyone recommend the best drugs to just totally ZOMB OUT on until dying? Xylazine seems like effects can be horrible. Anything that just kinda turns you into an experience-less borg?

 

[N33dT0D13]

Same... Only done weed and booze but I wanna try coke and shrooms, I hate being sober

 

[fallingtopieces]

Cannabis works subconsciously, so it won't actually make your life problems go away, but it rather reflects what keeps bothering you. What we sometimes don't realize, is that it's a sign to us to confront the thing by doing something practical about it, like planning to reach some sort of goal or help, etc.

If u replaced cannabis with psychedelics, i would agree with you. But cannabis use/abuse has its problems. Again, this will depend on each person and context/amount of their usage. Using it carefully in a targeted manner is different from habitual use/abuse. People try to drown out their depression with cannabis (CUD cannabis use disorder) and that often does not work. It becomes like alcohol, something to escape, but without the hangover. More studies need to be done as more of the population now has easy access, especially young developing minds.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I feel the same way but with alcohol and Xanax. Xanax is even better than alcohol because it's total relaxation and a feeling of well-being without the loss of judgement and hangover/feeling shit afterwards.

The only thing that can top it for me I think is morphine, which I've had a couple of times for medical issues, and the feeling of being safe and content and one with the world is unparalleled.

Cannabis and other psychedelics just give me panic attacks and the occasional mental breakdown