What helps you feel safe?

[Yuina]

Ahh sorry for the late reply!! I fell asleep while texting you again ahaha..."

The most ive hurt anyone was when i took wrestling for a few months. Though to be honest I was the one getting hurt more than anyone else ahaha! I was still underweight then, and hadnt excercised like I do now so.... i basically got forced into the mat every practice round. Went up against the state champ, co captain, AND captain in a row one time without a break oh my god that hurt so bad had bruises for like a week! I'm here to listen, if you want..? Ahaha I'd love to watch a movie too! I just have to pass all my virtual classes first, maybe we could figure something out. I haven't seen spirited away, isn't that one your favorite? We could watch that maybe, if you want to of course!

Thank you!! I will show them. All of them. I'll get what I want, and they will lose. No matter what it takes. No matter how long it takes. No matter how much it hurts. Even if I die. I won't stop. ......though if I die it miiight be a little difficult to achieve my goals, so maybe not that ahahaha!

It's not so much that I'm uncomfortable with talking about the whole thing, I'm just tired of... i don't know. Thinking about them. I spent my life as a kid super optimistically trying to help them, only to realize they were unwilling or incapable as all hell. I won't get dragged around by their stupid decisions anymore. ...people can be very judgemental, you're right.

Ahaha I'm glad you enjoy these convos too!! ^^ I'd hate myself if I were annoying you all this time and that you just felt obligated to respond or smthing... hey don't worry I don't find you annoying at all, honestly having this back & forth is usually the highlight of my day ahaha.... so feel free to be as clingy or attention grabbing with me as you want ahaha!!

Ah. Guilty. I've done that way too many times, it's miserable just staring at a read receipt. Though I feel that way no matter what, I mean I even do it with you ahaha. I'll take a bit to write out a super long message like this so you feel heard and then only at the end do I send the little reaction emoji cause' for 1: I don't want to react too early and then take ages to type something and make you feel bad for taking so long or make you think I won't respond... and 2: I want to address everything you say, I don't want to sound selfish only talking about myself.... I want to care, and be helpful to you and be receptive to what you say. It just take me a bit to.... articulate what I feel. Or think. Sometimes.

Hehe it's okay! Happens to me all the time cuz my medications practically knock me OUT at night.

Wooow, I could never imagine doing wrestling. I've never done it, obviously, aside from those playfights with my siblings, cousins, and dad, which still hurt like hell and they weren't even be serious. I'm sure doing wrestling was probably a good experience for you though, right? I mean, I suppose people do it for a reason! And thank you! Of course I would. I do love Spirited Away, haha, or any Studio Ghibli movie really.

HAHA yeah I guess dying probably wouldn't help with that very much. A line I see often is something along the lines of "live long enough to see your enemies suffer" or "outlive your enemies" or something like that. It would be so satisfying in the end.

Ah I see, I'm really sorry you had to go through that, it sounds awful. :( I'm glad you're free from those chains and can make your own decisions now.

Yeah, same for me! It makes me really excited. I'm afraid of being seen as creepy or stalkerish because I like scrolling through people's posts or replying to things they've said on threads I wasn't even involved in, but then I realize that I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me? Maybe I'm just that lonely... LOL. Don't worry about it at all, I don't know if you could ever annoy me. This is also the highlight of my day TBH, I love talking to people. Yay!

It really does feel bad. I try to respond to everyone as fast as I can but sometimes my notifications don't work or I spend so long trying to form a reply. I do the same thing in real life. I plan out conversations in my head hours, even days before they happen, thinking of potential responses for every situation. But then I get so nervous when it does happen that I just stutter the whole time. I definitely feel that so bad... I also do the emoji reaction right after because I'm afraid you'll think I'm ignoring you or something! I remember being told by someone, though I can't remember who, that I talk about myself too much, and it made me feel so awful that I reflected on myself for, like, weeks. I still think about it. I really want to be that listening ear for people even if it means I can't talk about myself. It can be super hard to articulate yourself so don't feel bad about taking long to respond or even not responding at all if you don't want to haha. I have been friends with people who expect me to reply within 5 minutes or less, and yell at me if I don't, so I'd never want to put ANYONE through that because it is an incredibly stressful situation to be in!

I'm gonna get a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino today mwahahaha.

 

[Meteora]

This question is very good and triggering at the same time because I ve been fighting to find a safe place for so long, inside and outside. It seems I can t get it.

physical touch. if im dissociating (panic attack/public spaces) grabbing the arm of someone i know grounds me and makes me feel a little better. (ill try to think of other fear )

I relate. I m highly dissociative, too. Often, there s nobody around.... what do you do then?
Think that s the reason I destroyed my previous relationship, because I needed him to make me feel safe.

Strangely, myself. There's a voice in the back of my head that tells me everything's going to be fine. It's got a warm, fatherly presence that puts me at ease.

Oh... I d give everything to have such a voice.... I m glad you have that. Might help you survive.

nothing makes feel safe. it is truly the only thing i want from life, for myself.

not jumping from my bed every second. not trying to bolt my door shut, because every lock gets broken.

not avoiding assholes, because they only live to shit on me.
i want to feel safe, so i can wake the fuck up and finally start living

I strongly relate. I d do/give everything to one day feel safe inside of myself.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I relate. I m highly dissociative, too. Often, there s nobody around.... what do you do then?

i wish i had something to tell you but i dont really do anything. for the most part i wait my problems out.
im going to guess the generally advised grounding techniques dont work?

for a few years i was dissociated 24/7, just constantly "black" without relief (it didnt come and go, it just existed). my therapist at the time completely refused to listen to me and was like "just 'pull her out of it'" meanwhile im sitting there "ITS CONSTANT! THAT WONT WORK!!!!!!" she was talking to my then husband so she just rolled her eyes at me and would continue talking like i wasnt there. you can be 100% i didnt go back XD

personally, either it magically fixed itself on it own or its due to the work ive been doing on myself. dissociating is typically (always?) a coping mechanism because your brain just cant. do you know the cause/trigger of your dissociation? its not a right away fix, but typically its the best option.

 

[Meteora]

i wish i had something to tell you but i dont really do anything. for the most part i wait my problems out.
im going to guess the generally advised grounding techniques dont work?

I do the same. I wait it out but as you describe, too, dissociation is the rule not the exception in my case. Since over four decades. No, the grounding techniques don t really work because as you say, beyond dissociation is the fear of death. How should my system volountarily go there? It doesn t allow it. Dissociation is "better" than fearing death. Guess you understand what I mean.

for a few years i was dissociated 24/7, just constantly "black" without relief (it didnt come and go, it just existed). my therapist at the time completely refused to listen to me and was like "just 'pull her out of it'" meanwhile im sitting there "ITS CONSTANT! THAT WONT WORK!!!!!!" she was talking to my then husband so she just rolled her eyes at me and would continue talking as if I wasn t there.

That s so so horrible and I perfectly know what you re talking about... I ve experienced the same in therapies, over and over again.
Her behaviour is so deeply despising. I just wished someone, a therapist would understand an acknowlwdge the suffering.

personally, either it magically fixed itself on it own or its due to the work ive been doing on myself. dissociating is typically (always?) a coping mechanism because your brain just cant. do you know the cause/trigger of your dissociation? its not a right away fix, but typically its the best option.

I m glad it kind of fixed itself for you..... I think so too, the body, mind/soul protects itself from the memory of fear of death (that stems from the traumas themselves) with dissociation. So how on earth should I be able to break this mechanism with my will power? That s..... insanity to think that would work.

I know the triggers, yes. But it is so many that I lose the overview very easily, obviously. I m basically oblivious to the oblivion, if you know what I mean.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I know the triggers, yes. But it is so many that I lose the overview very easily

(some extra hug reactions and some love)
personally, ill deal with things as they come up "ok this is bothering me the most right now. this is what im upset about. what i need to cry/yell about" or rate them as to whats the least to most for you. personally id start at the least because its smaller, easier to deal with and prepares you so the bigger things dont seem quite so big, but my first suggestion (whats bothering you now) says to deal with the major thing.

personally, i use a mixture of both depending on how im feeling (what i feel is best/needs to be done), but do whats best for you.

 

[Meteora]

I have alters. Different personalities in one body. It s impossible to have an overview. But yes, the only thing I can do is deal with the things that surface in the very moment. @Life_and_Death

 

[Life_and_Death]

I have alters. Different personalities in one body. It s impossible to have an overview. But yes, the only thing I can do is deal with the things that surface in the very moment. @Life_and_Death

i dont really have any experience in that
although i question if its something like it/on the lower end. i do have multiple voices in my head and 2 personalities. aside from my bpd, i havent been able to place it. but im pretty sure what im dealing with is different from straight up different alters
if i may ask (or even just answer it to yourself if youd prefer, you dont have to tell me.) do your alters talk? ive heard of different ways that it works, in one case its sort of like my case where theyre all there and the other i think is DID, where theres memory loss and they dont really know about each other. (again, i know more about other stuff, this is not a situation i know the most about*). i think that some people like with DID will leave notes so "their people" can talk, or where they "Can be in the same room at once" ive heard we're people will let each alter have their voice, explain their feelings.

personally, (and maybe you already know this, but maybe you dont, or maybe someone else reading this doesnt) id try to give each voice a say, like asking a class a question and going around to each student to get their thoughts.

.•° ✿ °•. °•. ✿ .•° .•° ✿ °•.
​

*actually if you want to pm me, we can talk a bit more (conversation not chat). id like to try to help if i could, even if its just listening. and id hate to take up the thread
and if you didnt mind maybe telling me what having alters is like for you? i would like to learn more about it

 

[AnAnonymousCrow]

Oh... I d give everything to have such a voice.... I m glad you have that. Might help you survive.

It's really nice, but, in an odd way of knowing, I can feel it's anger toward other parts of me and a quiescent sadism in it. It's kinda like a close family member or friend who's unpredictable, visceral, and irascible. I enjoy it when it comes around, but I don't dwell on it because it's a bit frightening. I've never really been able to feel like one person. I've always felt like I've either got a crowd behind me or some officious person looking over my shoulder. It sounds nice to most people; however, it's the words and not the speak they're often interested in. It sucks. I'm a prisoner.

 

[2messdup]

Without doubt, the crisis team. They're bloody heroes and I love them to bits. They are the most awesome brilliant people. They do know what they are doing, whatever is happening with me.

 

[Ares]

Hehe it's okay! Happens to me all the time cuz my medications practically knock me OUT at night.

Wooow, I could never imagine doing wrestling. I've never done it, obviously, aside from those playfights with my siblings, cousins, and dad, which still hurt like hell and they weren't even be serious. I'm sure doing wrestling was probably a good experience for you though, right? I mean, I suppose people do it for a reason! And thank you! Of course I would. I do love Spirited Away, haha, or any Studio Ghibli movie really.

HAHA yeah I guess dying probably wouldn't help with that very much. A line I see often is something along the lines of "live long enough to see your enemies suffer" or "outlive your enemies" or something like that. It would be so satisfying in the end.

Ah I see, I'm really sorry you had to go through that, it sounds awful. :( I'm glad you're free from those chains and can make your own decisions now.

Yeah, same for me! It makes me really excited. I'm afraid of being seen as creepy or stalkerish because I like scrolling through people's posts or replying to things they've said on threads I wasn't even involved in, but then I realize that I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me? Maybe I'm just that lonely... LOL. Don't worry about it at all, I don't know if you could ever annoy me. This is also the highlight of my day TBH, I love talking to people. Yay!

It really does feel bad. I try to respond to everyone as fast as I can but sometimes my notifications don't work or I spend so long trying to form a reply. I do the same thing in real life. I plan out conversations in my head hours, even days before they happen, thinking of potential responses for every situation. But then I get so nervous when it does happen that I just stutter the whole time. I definitely feel that so bad... I also do the emoji reaction right after because I'm afraid you'll think I'm ignoring you or something! I remember being told by someone, though I can't remember who, that I talk about myself too much, and it made me feel so awful that I reflected on myself for, like, weeks. I still think about it. I really want to be that listening ear for people even if it means I can't talk about myself. It can be super hard to articulate yourself so don't feel bad about taking long to respond or even not responding at all if you don't want to haha. I have been friends with people who expect me to reply within 5 minutes or less, and yell at me if I don't, so I'd never want to put ANYONE through that because it is an incredibly stressful situation to be in!

I'm gonna get a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino today mwahahaha.

Arghhhh you're so lucky!! I want a cookie Crumble Frappuccino too!!! Not fair.... ahaha!

Before I went off meds I had the same issue, I'd get super lethargic. Now though I just get tired from, well, excercising and working my ass off? Swapped one thing for another, I'll have more energy once I can keep up with myself.

Oh wrestling was amazing for sure, I took it to get stronger and for self defense purposes. Got both out of it!! Until I lost my ride, anyways. Now I just do push ups in the bus loop since it takes like half an hour for the bus to pick me up anyways ahaha!! Though that probably doesn't help people fine me very approachable.... except for a handful of comments to keep it going from some passer-bys, which I appreciated a ton! One guy even joins me every Wednesday, so it's not terrible. Only time I have to fit it in with my wack school schedule.

Thank you... I won't get stuck in that sort of thing. I'm not struggling for the sake of them anymore.

And oh yes it will be so so so satisfying once I succeed. I'll use everything I have to prove those I hate wrong. My life, my dreams.... I'll damn them all to hell!! Ahahaha!

I get that, I may get a bit too attatched to people when it's probably illogical to feel so strongly without being super close with the person at all. Maybe I'm underestimating how much I think people care for me? Idk. And yeah I am absolutely that lonely, no doubts, since I do the exact same thing ahaha.... oh well!

I kind of figured we were both doing the emoji thing ahaha, maybe since we both know I'll just do it anyways cause' you'll know im gonna respond anyways, it's just kind of embarrassing if I do that since uh, I spend a lot of time on these messages..... so youd easily be able to tell how much time I take on this... ahaha. It's kind of depressing how much thought I put into this. I hate being lonely.

Hey dont worry it's okay to talk about yourself! Maybe we ought to put less pressure on trying to make perfect replies..? Whoever said that to you was being shitty. I like learning more about other people, i.e. you! I really do want to respond, I don't want to ghost you. I've had that happen to me so many times and it just feels sickly, like what did I spend all that time caring for this person if only for all of it to amount to nothing? It's miserable, I don't want you to feel like that. I'll respond no matter what! I just might take a bit, with school n' all. But otherwise you can count on me!! If you want that.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Gabapentin. Sleeping. Watching childhood shows

 

[Yuina]

Arghhhh you're so lucky!! I want a cookie Crumble Frappuccino too!!! Not fair.... ahaha!

Before I went off meds I had the same issue, I'd get super lethargic. Now though I just get tired from, well, excercising and working my ass off? Swapped one thing for another, I'll have more energy once I can keep up with myself.

Oh wrestling was amazing for sure, I took it to get stronger and for self defense purposes. Got both out of it!! Until I lost my ride, anyways. Now I just do push ups in the bus loop since it takes like half an hour for the bus to pick me up anyways ahaha!! Though that probably doesn't help people fine me very approachable.... except for a handful of comments to keep it going from some passer-bys, which I appreciated a ton! One guy even joins me every Wednesday, so it's not terrible. Only time I have to fit it in with my wack school schedule.

Thank you... I won't get stuck in that sort of thing. I'm not struggling for the sake of them anymore.

And oh yes it will be so so so satisfying once I succeed. I'll use everything I have to prove those I hate wrong. My life, my dreams.... I'll damn them all to hell!! Ahahaha!

I get that, I may get a bit too attatched to people when it's probably illogical to feel so strongly without being super close with the person at all. Maybe I'm underestimating how much I think people care for me? Idk. And yeah I am absolutely that lonely, no doubts, since I do the exact same thing ahaha.... oh well!

I kind of figured we were both doing the emoji thing ahaha, maybe since we both know I'll just do it anyways cause' you'll know im gonna respond anyways, it's just kind of embarrassing if I do that since uh, I spend a lot of time on these messages..... so youd easily be able to tell how much time I take on this... ahaha. It's kind of depressing how much thought I put into this. I hate being lonely.

Hey dont worry it's okay to talk about yourself! Maybe we ought to put less pressure on trying to make perfect replies..? Whoever said that to you was being shitty. I like learning more about other people, i.e. you! I really do want to respond, I don't want to ghost you. I've had that happen to me so many times and it just feels sickly, like what did I spend all that time caring for this person if only for all of it to amount to nothing? It's miserable, I don't want you to feel like that. I'll respond no matter what! I just might take a bit, with school n' all. But otherwise you can count on me!! If you want that.

It was really good! Now I'm at the park. I didn't wanna go but my sister was super excited about it so I tagged along anyway. There was an ice cream truck and I got a cookies n' cream stick, so yet another chocolate-flavored thing today! I guess it's nice to get out sometimes, though I prefer my backyard.

Yeah, I think meds are known to make you super tired for some reason. Maybe not all, but definitely a lot of them! It's not a bad thing to get tired after working yourself out, if anything it's pretty natural and healthy haha.

That's awesome! Can always respect that. Seems like you're really committed to exercise which is pretty cool! I don't really know anyone who is like that either IRL or online. I'm not very athletic myself though I played some sports when I was younger. It's nice you have someone to join you as well. And I don't think it makes you sound unapproachable at all tbh! At least to me.

Of course!

How long have you been working on these plans for? Sounds like you have a lot in mind!

Oh totally relate to that. I remember getting super attached to someone I knew for like a week at that point. I was so afraid of them leaving me even though they didn't owe me anything. ^^; I mean really as soon as someone shows me an ounce of attention I'm just like "you are my best friend now." Haha! I also take sooo much time on these, I just have so much to say but I'm also afraid of taking up the thread oops… Being lonely really does suck. I'm sorry you also have to go through it. :(

Thanks! Hmm that could be a good idea. I've always been a huge perfectionist and the thought of giving someone a bad first impression is, like, one of my worst social fears. I envy people who can socialize so easily and carelessly. I actually used to have a "friend" who was super critical of the way I typed. He was constantly making comments about how I typed too much, replied too slow, didn't know how to hold conversations, that I should loosen up, etc. He was very critical of me and it was only a few months ago, so I still feel…aaah… I also love learning about other people! I never want to make someone feel left out so feel free to spill as much as you want. :D Being ghosted truly does really hurt, and I don't think many people realize it bc they've never been in a situation like this. Same to you!! I'm always on the internet in some way so I check this forum often. Feel free!

 

[Ares]

It was really good! Now I'm at the park. I didn't wanna go but my sister was super excited about it so I tagged along anyway. There was an ice cream truck and I got a cookies n' cream stick, so yet another chocolate-flavored thing today! I guess it's nice to get out sometimes, though I prefer my backyard.

Yeah, I think meds are known to make you super tired for some reason. Maybe not all, but definitely a lot of them! It's not a bad thing to get tired after working yourself out, if anything it's pretty natural and healthy haha.

That's awesome! Can always respect that. Seems like you're really committed to exercise which is pretty cool! I don't really know anyone who is like that either IRL or online. I'm not very athletic myself though I played some sports when I was younger. It's nice you have someone to join you as well. And I don't think it makes you sound unapproachable at all tbh! At least to me.

Of course!

How long have you been working on these plans for? Sounds like you have a lot in mind!

Oh totally relate to that. I remember getting super attached to someone I knew for like a week at that point. I was so afraid of them leaving me even though they didn't owe me anything. ^^; I mean really as soon as someone shows me an ounce of attention I'm just like "you are my best friend now." Haha! I also take sooo much time on these, I just have so much to say but I'm also afraid of taking up the thread oops… Being lonely really does suck. I'm sorry you also have to go through it. :(

Thanks! Hmm that could be a good idea. I've always been a huge perfectionist and the thought of giving someone a bad first impression is, like, one of my worst social fears. I envy people who can socialize so easily and carelessly. I actually used to have a "friend" who was super critical of the way I typed. He was constantly making comments about how I typed too much, replied too slow, didn't know how to hold conversations, that I should loosen up, etc. He was very critical of me and it was only a few months ago, so I still feel…aaah… I also love learning about other people! I never want to make someone feel left out so feel free to spill as much as you want. :D Being ghosted truly does really hurt, and I don't think many people realize it bc they've never been in a situation like this. Same to you!! I'm always on the internet in some way so I check this forum often. Feel free!

You are literally the best. I think I've texted you more than any of my "real" friends this entire month.

I like going out for walks when it's dark out, or sitting on the front porch at night with some soft music in the chair out front, rocking myself a little is nice. I'm only really outdoorsy when I'm alone or if its raining --aside from the excercise, school ended a few hrs ago & I got in 50 push ups, 50 burpees (push up + jumping jack, rinse repeat), 7 sit ups then my bus came. Was slacking a bit as i usually do way more, but that's fine since I pushed myself by changing up my routine! Im happy you got to have some tasty things and had a nice day out!! I haven't eaten enough today now that I think of it. Ah, so much to do so little time ahaha!

& thank you!! ^^ Mhm, excerxise is cathartic for me. I can get as angry at myself, hate anything, or whatever, or whoever i want and nobody has to know. They just see me working out, so it's one of the only times I'm being honest with myself and what I feel. It's nice. The uh, unapproachable part comes in prob cause I really don't bother to maintain a polite expression or demeanor with people when I'm excerxising since im lost in my hate, so I probably look intimidating. Which is fine, I didn't really expect anyone to walk up to me when I'm fitting in my workout anyways.

Plans, ah. Yes. My goals are tremendous. And unrealistic. But who cares ahaha!! I want to be stronger than everyone who has ever looked down on me, pushed me around, hurt me whether verbally or physically, people who've betrayed me, who've left me behind, who took advantage of me. In the end, all of them are losing. I will be stronger than them all. Whatever it takes. Plus, i want to get super rich to help my sisters through college! And maybe take up boxing or try wrestling again in college as a hobby, I miss fighting/sparring. So I'll probably be aiming for, like, being a CEO. Which is... unrealistic really on top of everything else I want to do. I'll do it anyways, though. I don't care.

Ahahaha I think we've already taken up the thread..." woops! They'll just have to deal with us mhm mhm! Though in all seriousness we should make a chat or something, we probably make up for like... half of all the comments here ahaha....

I've had people leave me who I was practically sacrificing myself for. 10 years down the drain, so many wasted memories on some stupid childhood friendship and he never gave a shit for me and just what I could do for him. Never once did he actually take the time to do.... ah I don't know. Even now I still feel attached. Even with people I've known for all of HS, 4 years.... even they don't care. They don't reach out. I've tried for so long to learn what they like, do what they like, think what they like, i lived and breathed for them and they blow me off so casually. Maybe if i werent so caring, but I cant help it. They're good people. All of them. I see that. They're just... They don't see me. I mean, I do put up a mask. But it feels so superficial no matter what I try. When do you reach a point in a friendship where you actually take the time to do something meaningful? Or share how you feel? Why do I even bother. Didn't meant to turn this into a rant again, I hope you don't mind. It's just... frustrating to devote so much time, energy, and emotion on someone just for.... you to realize they've taken you for granted. And even despite all that I still care. I hate it. I hate them.

At least we're alone together? Ahaha... I can kind of socialize easily, but again it's just a mask. If I were actually myself I'd be terrible. It gets easy to fake & pretend, it's kind of like acting. We'll, I guess it is acting, huh..? I guess i have a talent for it ehehe! Though I'm really not helping myself by doing that, doesn't let me get close to people genuinely.

You take as long (or as fast!) as you want, be as short or clingy as you care, I'm not going to complain or give criticism that's for sure ahaha!! I don't see why people have to be so forcing sometimes, that person shouldn't have said any of that. Doesn't sound very constructive, just kind of rude. I'm sorry. Those sort of people can be nice one second then super mean the next. Not fun to have that sort of emotional whiplash, speaking from experience.

Hm hm maybe I will? Ahaha, I like sharing with you! You're so.... sweetly understanding. I don't really feel like you'd judge me harshly. It's kind of comforting, having someone to listen to. I really appreciate having you here, it's nice to lean on someone else's shoulder for a change. ^^

Ah. Well. Now you know how long I take since I sent the little reaction as soon as I read your msg. Oh woops resent it. Nvm. I'm so far gone I'd left the little notification from your reaction uncleared since it makes me feel better to look at..... Ughhhh, this is really depressing.... Admittedly I was typing this on and off, and had some awards ceremony a bit ago, but this took me way too long. I wish it were easier to get my thoughts out of my head, I'm just worried that I might give a misunderstanding or something if I don't try to really emulate how I feel. Most of meaning is lost across text. I don't want you thinking I don't care or act dismissive of anything with your daily ongoings ahaha!

 

[Yuina]

You are literally the best. I think I've texted you more than any of my "real" friends this entire month.

I like going out for walks when it's dark out, or sitting on the front porch at night with some soft music in the chair out front, rocking myself a little is nice. I'm only really outdoorsy when I'm alone or if its raining --aside from the excercise, school ended a few hrs ago & I got in 50 push ups, 50 burpees (push up + jumping jack, rinse repeat), 7 sit ups then my bus came. Was slacking a bit as i usually do way more, but that's fine since I pushed myself by changing up my routine! Im happy you got to have some tasty things and had a nice day out!! I haven't eaten enough today now that I think of it. Ah, so much to do so little time ahaha!

& thank you!! ^^ Mhm, excerxise is cathartic for me. I can get as angry at myself, hate anything, or whatever, or whoever i want and nobody has to know. They just see me working out, so it's one of the only times I'm being honest with myself and what I feel. It's nice. The uh, unapproachable part comes in prob cause I really don't bother to maintain a polite expression or demeanor with people when I'm excerxising since im lost in my hate, so I probably look intimidating. Which is fine, I didn't really expect anyone to walk up to me when I'm fitting in my workout anyways.

Plans, ah. Yes. My goals are tremendous. And unrealistic. But who cares ahaha!! I want to be stronger than everyone who has ever looked down on me, pushed me around, hurt me whether verbally or physically, people who've betrayed me, who've left me behind, who took advantage of me. In the end, all of them are losing. I will be stronger than them all. Whatever it takes. Plus, i want to get super rich to help my sisters through college! And maybe take up boxing or try wrestling again in college as a hobby, I miss fighting/sparring. So I'll probably be aiming for, like, being a CEO. Which is... unrealistic really on top of everything else I want to do. I'll do it anyways, though. I don't care.

Ahahaha I think we've already taken up the thread..." woops! They'll just have to deal with us mhm mhm! Though in all seriousness we should make a chat or something, we probably make up for like... half of all the comments here ahaha....

I've had people leave me who I was practically sacrificing myself for. 10 years down the drain, so many wasted memories on some stupid childhood friendship and he never gave a shit for me and just what I could do for him. Never once did he actually take the time to do.... ah I don't know. Even now I still feel attached. Even with people I've known for all of HS, 4 years.... even they don't care. They don't reach out. I've tried for so long to learn what they like, do what they like, think what they like, i lived and breathed for them and they blow me off so casually. Maybe if i werent so caring, but I cant help it. They're good people. All of them. I see that. They're just... They don't see me. I mean, I do put up a mask. But it feels so superficial no matter what I try. When do you reach a point in a friendship where you actually take the time to do something meaningful? Or share how you feel? Why do I even bother. Didn't meant to turn this into a rant again, I hope you don't mind. It's just... frustrating to devote so much time, energy, and emotion on someone just for.... you to realize they've taken you for granted. And even despite all that I still care. I hate it. I hate them.

At least we're alone together? Ahaha... I can kind of socialize easily, but again it's just a mask. If I were actually myself I'd be terrible. It gets easy to fake & pretend, it's kind of like acting. We'll, I guess it is acting, huh..? I guess i have a talent for it ehehe! Though I'm really not helping myself by doing that, doesn't let me get close to people genuinely.

You take as long (or as fast!) as you want, be as short or clingy as you care, I'm not going to complain or give criticism that's for sure ahaha!! I don't see why people have to be so forcing sometimes, that person shouldn't have said any of that. Doesn't sound very constructive, just kind of rude. I'm sorry. Those sort of people can be nice one second then super mean the next. Not fun to have that sort of emotional whiplash, speaking from experience.

Hm hm maybe I will? Ahaha, I like sharing with you! You're so.... sweetly understanding. I don't really feel like you'd judge me harshly. It's kind of comforting, having someone to listen to. I really appreciate having you here, it's nice to lean on someone else's shoulder for a change. ^^

Ah. Well. Now you know how long I take since I sent the little reaction as soon as I read your msg. Oh woops resent it. Nvm. I'm so far gone I'd left the little notification from your reaction uncleared since it makes me feel better to look at..... Ughhhh, this is really depressing.... Admittedly I was typing this on and off, and had some awards ceremony a bit ago, but this took me way too long. I wish it were easier to get my thoughts out of my head, I'm just worried that I might give a misunderstanding or something if I don't try to really emulate how I feel. Most of meaning is lost across text. I don't want you thinking I don't care or act dismissive of anything with your daily ongoings ahaha!

Aww pls you are too sweet omg! I don't deserve that.

That sounds super relaxing. Going for walks is super nice, especially when the weather is perfect for it. I can't really walk in the dark because my backyard consists of a forest that I would most definitely get lost in at nighttime, but even just having my window open listening to the sounds of night is relaxing enough. It's truly the best time of day, in my opinion. Thank you! I got super tired when I got home so I lost all my energy. ^^; Hopefully you can eat something!

That's a lot! I couldn't fathom doing any more than even five pushups—not that I can even do one LOLLL. Good job on changing your routine! I'm glad exercise is an outlet for you.

Nothing's wrong with "unrealistic" goals TBH. I mean, they DO say anything is possible. People like that definitely do need to be proven wrong, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with them in the past. I genuinely wish you the best of luck with achieving your goals, even if I've said that plenty enough ahah! It's great to have ambitions and aspirations no matter how achievable or unrealistic they may be IMO, even if people want to tell you otherwise.

Oops, I suppose we have! We probablyyy should make a chat. Sorry to OP!

I'm so, so sorry. That's really shitty of people to do. :/ I don't understand how someone can just nonchalantly leave someone behind knowing how much the other person has done for them. Especially if they end up going behind their back and betraying them in some way. They think it's funny. That it's not a big deal, just because it isn't to them. TBH people like that usually peak in high school. So many people are superficial, fake friends — why would you even befriend someone if you don't mean it? Status? Pity? Watching childhood friends (even my "BFF") so easily move onto other people and completely forget about me was painful. It's like I never even mattered to them. I was replaced. I genuinely don't think people think about others at all. Only themselves. What they want and what they want alone. Don't worry about ranting! We all need a time where we can express our true feelings about topics like this. This forum is great because I feel like you get judged less than other places, especially real life. I understand what that feels like and 100% empathize.

That is true! Ah, I've heard the "fake it til' you make it" thing far too often. I suppose it does work. Feels like everything else in life is fake anyway, you know? Though, I really do wish people could be themselves and not get judged for it. I feel for you. People are difficult to please.

Haha thank you! He was all-around a strange person; insinuating that I shouldn't play video games so much because I'm…a girl? Or that taking a long time to respond is a bad habit and that I need to fix that if I want to make friends. There were other things he said, but I'm not gonna get into that on a public thread LOL…

Aah you're too kind, I'm just doing the best I can! I truly think everyone deserves to be heard and listened to without judgement. What is even the point of judging people who've done nothing wrong? I am still trying to figure it out. I like to research psychology so surely I'll find a theory somewhere. Trust me, you don't have to worry about me judging you! I agree it is very comforting. You are totally free to do so!

HAHA it's okay!! I didn't mind, really. I mean, I saw the notification but the long timeframe wasn't a problem. I mean, I know firsthand how it feels to be judged for "taking a while," but not everyone has 24/7 free time—and it's also hard to put thoughts into text, too. I'm always happy to get a reply no matter how long it takes. I love reading what other people have to say. I mean, even this took me a long time and I thought I was being pretty quick! Don't worry about it! (Though, I am honestly terrified of getting really far in a reply and accidentally closing the tab or something. OMG)

 

[Ares]

Aww pls you are too sweet omg! I don't deserve that.

That sounds super relaxing. Going for walks is super nice, especially when the weather is perfect for it. I can't really walk in the dark because my backyard consists of a forest that I would most definitely get lost in at nighttime, but even just having my window open listening to the sounds of night is relaxing enough. It's truly the best time of day, in my opinion. Thank you! I got super tired when I got home so I lost all my energy. ^^; Hopefully you can eat something!

That's a lot! I couldn't fathom doing any more than even five pushups—not that I can even do one LOLLL. Good job on changing your routine! I'm glad exercise is an outlet for you.

Nothing's wrong with "unrealistic" goals TBH. I mean, they DO say anything is possible. People like that definitely do need to be proven wrong, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with them in the past. I genuinely wish you the best of luck with achieving your goals, even if I've said that plenty enough ahah! It's great to have ambitions and aspirations no matter how achievable or unrealistic they may be IMO, even if people want to tell you otherwise.

Oops, I suppose we have! We probablyyy should make a chat. Sorry to OP!

I'm so, so sorry. That's really shitty of people to do. :/ I don't understand how someone can just nonchalantly leave someone behind knowing how much the other person has done for them. Especially if they end up going behind their back and betraying them in some way. They think it's funny. That it's not a big deal, just because it isn't to them. TBH people like that usually peak in high school. So many people are superficial, fake friends — why would you even befriend someone if you don't mean it? Status? Pity? Watching childhood friends (even my "BFF") so easily move onto other people and completely forget about me was painful. It's like I never even mattered to them. I was replaced. I genuinely don't think people think about others at all. Only themselves. What they want and what they want alone. Don't worry about ranting! We all need a time where we can express our true feelings about topics like this. This forum is great because I feel like you get judged less than other places, especially real life. I understand what that feels like and 100% empathize.

That is true! Ah, I've heard the "fake it til' you make it" thing far too often. I suppose it does work. Feels like everything else in life is fake anyway, you know? Though, I really do wish people could be themselves and not get judged for it. I feel for you. People are difficult to please.

Haha thank you! He was all-around a strange person; insinuating that I shouldn't play video games so much because I'm…a girl? Or that taking a long time to respond is a bad habit and that I need to fix that if I want to make friends. There were other things he said, but I'm not gonna get into that on a public thread LOL…

Aah you're too kind, I'm just doing the best I can! I truly think everyone deserves to be heard and listened to without judgement. What is even the point of judging people who've done nothing wrong? I am still trying to figure it out. I like to research psychology so surely I'll find a theory somewhere. Trust me, you don't have to worry about me judging you! I agree it is very comforting. You are totally free to do so!

HAHA it's okay!! I didn't mind, really. I mean, I saw the notification but the long timeframe wasn't a problem. I mean, I know firsthand how it feels to be judged for "taking a while," but not everyone has 24/7 free time—and it's also hard to put thoughts into text, too. I'm always happy to get a reply no matter how long it takes. I love reading what other people have to say. I mean, even this took me a long time and I thought I was being pretty quick! Don't worry about it! (Though, I am honestly terrified of getting really far in a reply and accidentally closing the tab or something. OMG)

I feel that, running on less than 10% rn.... I did get something to eat! But now I'm sick to my guts. Oh well.

Tbf I couldn't even do 1 push up before I starting doing all this.... half a year ago now..? It's reassuring to see that I am making legitimate progress. And thank you!! ^^

My dreams. My goals. Everything. I've already had so much taken from me, I'm tired of losing what I care for. I won't let it keep happening. Not without a fight! Ahahah! It's appreciated every time you say it, so thank you for believing in me....

Very very sorry to OP, must have been so many notifs ahahaha!! Belated apologies! ^^ if you want to (dont have to! I dont mind annoying the OP! Sorry not sorry!) or if you respond, do you want to send the next reply in a convo at me? I honestly have no clue what the diff between "make a chat" is vs "start conversation", plus I don't want to make you feel like doing it if you don't want to, hence why this reply is at the behest of this thread we have clearly conquered!! Ahaha! It feels a little awkward to ask actually ahaha.... I'm just nervous I think. I don't want anything to change or feel weird.

It's exhausting to think about all the people who've forgotten who I am. Who we are. I just.... want a break from it. To have someone who is actually receptive. Like you! Ahaha!

Yeah. It gets tiring pleasing people. Sometimes it's worth it, but other times you think it is and it really isn't. So much effort for nothing. All that care and love and vulnurability wasted. I'm so so... tired.....

Forget what that guy said. Clearly he's one of those people who peaked at HS ahaha!!

Thank you. I feel like I tell you that so much it's starting to lose it's meaning, but honestly. You're the best Yuina!! I'm running out of compliments ahaha! Actually one of those virtual classes (which I'm very much falling and should be working on rn ahaha....) is Psychology fast track, i wanted to take it to see if it could help me get to know people better or connect better. I wouldn't be surprised if the problem was lying with how I interact with others, so I figured I'd take the class for that purpose. And to boost my GPA... but yeah.... low chance of that now..... definitely bit off more than I could chew with my school workload. Though I hate to admit it.

Oh I've had that happen. Several times. Spent like, an hour one time on a reply one time and lost it. Legit discarded it and didn't try again. Forget what any was for specifically, tho. Must've been so traumatizing my memory blocked it out ehehe! Maybe it's a sign I need to type less and just write what I think more directly, that way if I do lose a message it's easy to rewrite/remember! It'd be nice if I could write faster, I'm a tad obsessive. And 100% a perfectionist too like you ahaha....