вечный сон
the machine is out of order
- Sep 17, 2025
- 136
Sorry for venting again. This is basically my life story. I left a lot of stuff out to keep it short.
My Downward Spiral began when my parents divorced. I was 13 at that time. Most people don't think divorce affects the child all that much. Sure, it can go kind of smoothly when both parents try their best, but i think most of the times it's very ugly.
After my parents divorced, my dad and i moved to an apartment but he had money problems cus of drugs and gambling so we went and lived with my grandma. She let us live in her very small retirment home with her, which was illegal and intended for only 1 person. I stopped having conntact with my mom who cheated on my dad which was the trigger for the divorce. She didnt really reach out to me after we moved out which hurt. My Sister moved to her boyfriend and we didn't talk in any way either. I lost contact with my cousins with whom i used to spend a lot of time. The Atmosphere was just weird and no one knew what to say, so it was just silence. I was still a kid and felt like my whole family just died.
I had alot of friends and was kind of popular before the divorce. I was always shy and introverted but still enjoyed being around people. Immediatly After the divorce i started experiencing social anxiety to a level i never had felt before. When people laughed near me I thought they were laughing about me and i panicked. I was very anxious when going into grocery stores and stuff which hasnt really gotten any better through the years. I suddenly hated interactig with people. I was so ashamed of myself. I just wanted to hide in a cave. People at school quickly noticed that something was wrong with me and started bullying and beating me almost every single day until i just stayed home. My dad couldn't care less since he wasn't home for weeks at a time.
After living with my dad and being sucidal because of our living situation i moved far away to an internet acquaintance. I lived with this person for a year until one day i come back to his house and noticed that he changed the locks so i couldn't enter. He even kept all my cloths and my PC. All because i apparently damaged a pillow while sleeping on his couch. Maybe he was just sick of me but atleast he could have given me a deadline to move out. So i was homeless for a couple of months. I began intentionally puking out food and pulling my hair out. I was really stressed out. I didn't want to go back to live with my dad so i had to move back with my mom since we kinda got in contact again.
Her new husband just hated me. He started beating me even tho i never got in his way and tried to be respectful. He even beat me up while my mom was in the next room. She heard me scream for help but she didnt come. I ran away and saw that she was eating something while watching TV like nothing happend.
Years after this she still refuses to give me a good answer to why she didn't help me. She can't even say sorry to me. She says stuff like "why didn't you beat him back?" which is crazy to say because he was a big grown man and went to the gym while i was a little broken boy.
I finally got my own apartment at 19 years old, which was kinda the most depressing time of my life. Probably because i finally had a chance to rest and let everything that happened come down on me. Pretty soon i started drinking and doing mild drugs like shrooms. I tried to ctb with 100 ibuprofin tablets and alcohol. Luckily it failed cus it would've been a slow and painful way to go. I just saw that in movies and gave it a try. Crazy how these movies are probably responsible for a lot of people with permanent damaged kidneys.
I'm 28 now. After more suicide attempts i had to move back with my mom where i'm at now until i'm more stable again to live alone. Atleast her husband is gone and i don't have to deal with him. My dad still lives with my grandma in her retirment home for almost 15 years now.
I don't want to be alive anymore because i know that people like us who have had it rough, usually just suffer until we die. It's very rare that we heal from this stuff and can feel happy again. On top of that my health is really bad. I have chronic pain and i feel like i'm going insane every day. I'll have my hopefully last suicide attempt soon. I'm going to OD on fentanyl. It's easily available in my town.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading :)
"Was there a specific moment or experience in your life that you can point to as the start of everything spiraling downward?"
My Downward Spiral began when my parents divorced. I was 13 at that time. Most people don't think divorce affects the child all that much. Sure, it can go kind of smoothly when both parents try their best, but i think most of the times it's very ugly.
After my parents divorced, my dad and i moved to an apartment but he had money problems cus of drugs and gambling so we went and lived with my grandma. She let us live in her very small retirment home with her, which was illegal and intended for only 1 person. I stopped having conntact with my mom who cheated on my dad which was the trigger for the divorce. She didnt really reach out to me after we moved out which hurt. My Sister moved to her boyfriend and we didn't talk in any way either. I lost contact with my cousins with whom i used to spend a lot of time. The Atmosphere was just weird and no one knew what to say, so it was just silence. I was still a kid and felt like my whole family just died.
I had alot of friends and was kind of popular before the divorce. I was always shy and introverted but still enjoyed being around people. Immediatly After the divorce i started experiencing social anxiety to a level i never had felt before. When people laughed near me I thought they were laughing about me and i panicked. I was very anxious when going into grocery stores and stuff which hasnt really gotten any better through the years. I suddenly hated interactig with people. I was so ashamed of myself. I just wanted to hide in a cave. People at school quickly noticed that something was wrong with me and started bullying and beating me almost every single day until i just stayed home. My dad couldn't care less since he wasn't home for weeks at a time.
After living with my dad and being sucidal because of our living situation i moved far away to an internet acquaintance. I lived with this person for a year until one day i come back to his house and noticed that he changed the locks so i couldn't enter. He even kept all my cloths and my PC. All because i apparently damaged a pillow while sleeping on his couch. Maybe he was just sick of me but atleast he could have given me a deadline to move out. So i was homeless for a couple of months. I began intentionally puking out food and pulling my hair out. I was really stressed out. I didn't want to go back to live with my dad so i had to move back with my mom since we kinda got in contact again.
Her new husband just hated me. He started beating me even tho i never got in his way and tried to be respectful. He even beat me up while my mom was in the next room. She heard me scream for help but she didnt come. I ran away and saw that she was eating something while watching TV like nothing happend.
Years after this she still refuses to give me a good answer to why she didn't help me. She can't even say sorry to me. She says stuff like "why didn't you beat him back?" which is crazy to say because he was a big grown man and went to the gym while i was a little broken boy.
I finally got my own apartment at 19 years old, which was kinda the most depressing time of my life. Probably because i finally had a chance to rest and let everything that happened come down on me. Pretty soon i started drinking and doing mild drugs like shrooms. I tried to ctb with 100 ibuprofin tablets and alcohol. Luckily it failed cus it would've been a slow and painful way to go. I just saw that in movies and gave it a try. Crazy how these movies are probably responsible for a lot of people with permanent damaged kidneys.
I'm 28 now. After more suicide attempts i had to move back with my mom where i'm at now until i'm more stable again to live alone. Atleast her husband is gone and i don't have to deal with him. My dad still lives with my grandma in her retirment home for almost 15 years now.
I don't want to be alive anymore because i know that people like us who have had it rough, usually just suffer until we die. It's very rare that we heal from this stuff and can feel happy again. On top of that my health is really bad. I have chronic pain and i feel like i'm going insane every day. I'll have my hopefully last suicide attempt soon. I'm going to OD on fentanyl. It's easily available in my town.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading :)
"Was there a specific moment or experience in your life that you can point to as the start of everything spiraling downward?"
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