What Great Plans Did You Have For Life Before Deciding to CTB?

[rebelsue]

[F/18] I'm finally 18 and just "finished" high school since schools are closed due to coronavirus - guess the seniors are going to be missing out on an official graduation. I can't believe I made it all this way. Eighteen years, and then I decide to give up my life. I had grandiose plans ahead of me, I was going to go through college, get a master's degree in computer software, and pursue my lifelong dream of starting a Fortune 500 company.

All to become a billionaire and live lavishly. I was going to audition for my prospective college's jazz band to fulfill my extreme love for music and jazz, and I feel quite bad that I'm not going to live to be able to do all of that. I know that there's going to be so many people that will miss me when I'm gone; it's not like I'm going to leave unnoticed. But I'm suffering, yet I feel like I'm going to be missing out on so many firsts. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first company and all those successes and triumphs in my career. At least I'm not going to die in vain.

Is that actually a real picture of you? If you look like that, you still have a chance. If you are a hot young blonde and have a masters in computer science and play piano and saxophone in a jazz band you can own the world. They'll be eating out of your hand.

My god I would pay all of the money I have to be you right now. Why are you giving up on life? Please don't! What else is going on behind the scenes with you? Do be so young and already giving up must mean things are really really bad.

I wanted to live on my sustainable homestead with my husband/best friend, grow my own food, build a research lab in my basement, start a science communication business, play music in our band. But my brain, my PTSD brain, fucked it all up. Now I'm on the brink of divorce and just eating all day and getting fatter and older and uglier and my career is in the toilet and I'll never be able to start over after all of this and my husband doesn't even care if I end up in a homeless shelter. I screwed this all up. It's entirely my fault. Once the axe finally falls, I will be getting my SN or my rope ready. I'll do it in the middle of the night out in the woods where nobody will find me until it's too late.