what do i do when i can't go to therapy but i'm crying almost every day?

[monetpompo]

guys i'm broke!!!!! i have no jawb!!!!

i know i can't handle my problems on my own but i don't know how to seek help and my college friends aren't emotionally equipped to hear about my constant suicidal ideation. it's very hard to not see suicide as an option when i feel like i'm burdening everyone all the time and i also think that everyone will leave me. there are some days where i legitimately want to improve my life just to feel something other than sadness so that the people in my life can be proud that i finally got better, but i don't seem to have any way to work towards actually being happy. i just fall back into old habits and isolate while starving myself because i feel like i'm incapable of doing anything if i have no reason to get up. it's the same every day because there's no way to change anything yet. all i'm doing is biding my time endlessly. it feels like everyone is just watching me stumble over myself because i don't know how to be alive.

my summer break never ended because i dropped out, thinking i would kill myself, but then i didn't kill myself and i feel more and more alone because i can't connect with anyone around me. i need people in the real world to care about me, but i can't leave my house. i can't even go to the grocery store to pick up something for my sister because i can't drive. i have no freedom and no will to do anything. i think that i might just be kind of person that you expect to kill themselves because whenever you talk to them they just complain. i feel guilty that i keep on complaining. i just have nothing in my life to be happy about.

sometimes i think about calling people i know on the phone or texting them, but i think that i don't even really want to talk to people because i feel so jealous that someone doesn't hate themselves and actually did something worthwhile with their day. i can't talk to people if i'm always aching. i'm too caught up in my own head. i'm worried about crashing into something in middle of one of my next driving lessons because i'm thinking about how stupid i am. the things and people that could make my life worth living aren't there. there's no sky and there's no horizon. i'm afraid that i'm so focused on my life that i'm becoming smaller and smaller until i finally shrink away into nothing.

 

[waqs]

do you have any creative hobbies? when im feeling like... trash, i find customizing my computer to be comforting, knowing i have full control of what im making. maybe you could find a comfort hobby to help keeping your mind off your issues.. ^^ or keeping a diary, i also have no access to therapy so i kinda just made a website most dedicated to keeping a public dairy of my feelings.

you said you couldn't drive, but maybe you could take a walk to where you need to be? idk how far away things are but if its a shorter distance then maybe getting fresh air and getting kinda active could help you

i also find music comforting, listening to music in the dark sometimes help me when im feeling depressed.. ik personally how it feels to be rotting in bed all day and how.. i guess mind numbing it can be. i hope you find what your looking for in life

 

[monetpompo]

i also find music comforting, listening to music in the dark sometimes help me when im feeling depressed..

i like to listen to music, but i kind of forget to. i ride my bike and listen to music/youtube videos when the weather's good or when i find the time. i should probably listen to more artists but i never feel like branching out because new things make me nervous.

i also have no access to therapy so i kinda just made a website most dedicated to keeping a public dairy of my feelings.

this sounds really fun. i think i would want to learn how to make a website to store my pictures and my thoughts. i think that old myspace pages or custom carrds are really cute, but i've never made anything like that before. i think i'm just worried that i'll show it to people and it'll be embarrassing because i talk a lot about how sad i feel.

do you have any creative hobbies?

oughh... i don't!! i think that i want to learn piano but i need to buy myself a piano lesson book so i can get started. i tried to learn blender at one point but i got discouraged pretty much immediately by online tutorials and wanted to cry afterwards. i could learn how to draw because my sister has a lot of art books in her room (she's a traditional and digital artist), but i have an inferiority complex because she's always been really good at it and i'm not. but that's why i've never tried to do anything besides write. it would probably be nice to be able to create. i've always been really ashamed that i pretty much have 0 hobbies, since it makes me lesser than the people that do have things to fill their time. i think that the only way i can legitimately stay sane is if i pick up a hobby, but i get really nervous.

ik personally how it feels to be rotting in bed all day and how.. i guess mind numbing it can be. i hope you find what your looking for in life

thank you for caring and reading my posts. times have been tough for me. rotting in bed is comfortable but just makes me want to kill myself way more.

 

[jbpromax25000]

guys i'm broke!!!!! i have no jawb!!!!

i know i can't handle my problems on my own but i don't know how to seek help and my college friends aren't emotionally equipped to hear about my constant suicidal ideation. it's very hard to not see suicide as an option when i feel like i'm burdening everyone all the time and i also think that everyone will leave me. there are some days where i legitimately want to improve my life just to feel something other than sadness so that the people in my life can be proud that i finally got better, but i don't seem to have any way to work towards actually being happy. i just fall back into old habits and isolate while starving myself because i feel like i'm incapable of doing anything if i have no reason to get up. it's the same every day because there's no way to change anything yet. all i'm doing is biding my time endlessly. it feels like everyone is just watching me stumble over myself because i don't know how to be alive.

my summer break never ended because i dropped out, thinking i would kill myself, but then i didn't kill myself and i feel more and more alone because i can't connect with anyone around me. i need people in the real world to care about me, but i can't leave my house. i can't even go to the grocery store to pick up something for my sister because i can't drive. i have no freedom and no will to do anything. i think that i might just be kind of person that you expect to kill themselves because whenever you talk to them they just complain. i feel guilty that i keep on complaining. i just have nothing in my life to be happy about.

sometimes i think about calling people i know on the phone or texting them, but i think that i don't even really want to talk to people because i feel so jealous that someone doesn't hate themselves and actually did something worthwhile with their day. i can't talk to people if i'm always aching. i'm too caught up in my own head. i'm worried about crashing into something in middle of one of my next driving lessons because i'm thinking about how stupid i am. the things and people that could make my life worth living aren't there. there's no sky and there's no horizon. i'm afraid that i'm so focused on my life that i'm becoming smaller and smaller until i finally shrink away into nothing.

dude i dont know how to fix any of this shit either but im going through the same shit everyone i care about either isnt in a place to tolerate it or isnt the type of person to listen its excessive

guys i'm broke!!!!! i have no jawb!!!!

i know i can't handle my problems on my own but i don't know how to seek help and my college friends aren't emotionally equipped to hear about my constant suicidal ideation. it's very hard to not see suicide as an option when i feel like i'm burdening everyone all the time and i also think that everyone will leave me. there are some days where i legitimately want to improve my life just to feel something other than sadness so that the people in my life can be proud that i finally got better, but i don't seem to have any way to work towards actually being happy. i just fall back into old habits and isolate while starving myself because i feel like i'm incapable of doing anything if i have no reason to get up. it's the same every day because there's no way to change anything yet. all i'm doing is biding my time endlessly. it feels like everyone is just watching me stumble over myself because i don't know how to be alive.

my summer break never ended because i dropped out, thinking i would kill myself, but then i didn't kill myself and i feel more and more alone because i can't connect with anyone around me. i need people in the real world to care about me, but i can't leave my house. i can't even go to the grocery store to pick up something for my sister because i can't drive. i have no freedom and no will to do anything. i think that i might just be kind of person that you expect to kill themselves because whenever you talk to them they just complain. i feel guilty that i keep on complaining. i just have nothing in my life to be happy about.

sometimes i think about calling people i know on the phone or texting them, but i think that i don't even really want to talk to people because i feel so jealous that someone doesn't hate themselves and actually did something worthwhile with their day. i can't talk to people if i'm always aching. i'm too caught up in my own head. i'm worried about crashing into something in middle of one of my next driving lessons because i'm thinking about how stupid i am. the things and people that could make my life worth living aren't there. there's no sky and there's no horizon. i'm afraid that i'm so focused on my life that i'm becoming smaller and smaller until i finally shrink away into nothing.

when it comes to transportation i dont know where you live but if youre in a small town a car is obviously the best but something like a bike can at least get you from point a to point b if you have the energy to but i know thats also hard

 

[mushi]

therapy doesn't really help much to be honest. I spent thousands on it and got nothing out of it. the suicide hotline and pirating good therapy books helped me way more. journalling helps in the beginning but there's no need to do it every day. just when things happen or when you need to reflect. I stopped journalling and started video recording myself which I found a lot more fun. but being stuck in your own head thinking a lot with no job or no anything is really hard. I always get suicidal when I'm unemployed because you can't do anything fun because you have no money. i also get suicidal when I'm employed. having a job is like 10% better even when all your money goes into surviving.