what do i do about the guilt? can i convince him not to care?

[depthss]

i am more than ready to die. i have virtually no survival instinct. i cant do it because i will hurt a person that i care for. i do partial for short amounts of time, before i pass out, just so i can feel closer to it all. i did it twice today. sometimes, i get so wrapped up in it, i really have to try and convince myself not to go all the way, so i dont upset him. i want this so bad, i have no other reason to stay here..
i know it will happen soon, i very recently had a vision the last time i was doing it, and i knew that was how id die. everything just fit into place, it was so perfect. how can i make this happen sooner? is there a way i can convince him this is the best thing for me? i may get sectioned if i try that, hes my psychologist. i know that would be just wishful thinking anyways. but what am i supposed to do? i am fully out of options. he knows that i hang myself just to feel closer to dying, and that i want to die very badly.
i dont want to make him hate me, i dont want to not care about him, but what other options are there? just wait for the day that i dont stand up in time? i want to die sooner

 

[yowai]

You can't convince him because it's his job to convince YOU to stay and get better. Even if he were your friend, so or parents you wouldn't be able to convince them, nobody wants to think it'd be better if someone they love died, people even refuse to let go someone who's a vegetable and is dependent on life support. Either accept they'll mourn you or don't do it for their sake. Even in my worst moments when I was completely ready I couldn't go through with it because of what my parents would have to experience, I have to wait till they're older or pass before me :/

 

[depthss]

You can't convince him because it's his job to convince YOU to stay and get better. Even if he were your friend, so or parents you wouldn't be able to convince them, nobody wants to think it'd be better if someone they love died, people even refuse to let go someone who's a vegetable and is dependent on life support. Either accept they'll mourn you or don't do it for their sake. Even in my worst moments when I was completely ready I couldn't go through with it because of what my parents would have to experience, I have to wait till they're older or pass before me :/

i wish i could at least warn him, and thank him. if it was anyone else, id be able to leave a note, but i couldnt give him one without it being very suspicious. ill have to get over it at some point lol