Help what are your reasons for staying alive?

[wishingonstars]

I'm just about done but part of me is still holding on and despite the pain I don't want to hurt my family or friends. What are peoples reasons for staying alive and also what has helped you get better?

I have done so many types of therapy for so many years, I have been on various meds, various combos of vitamins, tried eating healthy and I have an active lifestyle due to my job and also walking a lot bc of not owning a car. I have very supportive friends and close family that I know loves me immensely and I love both my friends and family so much. I have been to an inpatient hospital/psych ward (3 and 1/2 month long stay) and will not put myself through that again. I wanted to try one of those fancy residential/inpatient programs but found out my insurance doesn't cover out of state and there are none in state. (USA here) I have a million coping strategies that are no longer doing enough. I was going to try ketamine assisted therapy but the cost plus how long it would take to see someone and the traveling time is very limiting right now.

My brain capacity is pretty much at zero and I'm afraid I will lose my job soon, I might try to get FMLA but it's a lot of paperwork and without a program to go to I would just be losing money and getting more depressed with nothing to do but at the same time I can't focus on work at all.

I'm listing all the things I've tried because I don't want to be recommended things I have already tried. I don't know what to do, if anyone has advice please let me know. I hate that there is such a stigma of suicide but then getting help is so impossible. I have been trying to get help for months now, I started trying as soon as I realized meds and therapy were no longer providing enough support. Everything I have tried proved hard to attain though and had many barriers and now I feel I have run out of time I can't wait until a ketamine assisted therapy spot opens up and I can't wait the time it would take to switch insurances to get into an out of state program.

I have done all of the waiting I can do but if there is any help I could get that is immediate I want to try it before giving up. Please help if you can, I am at such a loss at what to do.

 

[aria_of_a_dream]

This sounds crazy but I want to get a ps5 again and play a couple games I've missed this past year since not having one

Video games were a good distraction for me and when I play them I guess I'm focused on that and not living in this nightmare

 

[wishingonstars]

This sounds crazy but I want to get a ps5 again and play a couple games I've missed this past year since not having one

Video games were a good distraction for me and when I play them I guess I'm focused on that and not living in this nightmare

I hope that helps for you! I never played video games a whole lot so I don't think it'd help me unfortunately.

 

[sadman1897]

My daughter and mother are the only ones keeping me alive

 

[wishingonstars]

My daughter and mother are the only ones keeping me alive

Same but with my sibling, mother, and best friend. Unfortunately I seem to have reached a new low where I don't know if it is enough anymore.

 

[shampoo sniffer]

I feel like my reasons for wanting to stay alive aren't enough. I don't have any friends and most of my family are estranged, although I am close with my parents. I don't know how much longer they'll be alive for, though.
I like making art but is it really enough to live for?

 

[wishingonstars]

I feel like my reasons for wanting to stay alive aren't enough. I don't have any friends and most of my family are estranged, although I am close with my parents. I don't know how much longer they'll be alive for, though.
I like making art but is it really enough to live for?

If making art makes you even a little happy that can absolutely be enough. Nobody gets to decide what counts as enough besides you.

 

[leviant123]

My dog and my fish. Nothing keeps me pushing more than seeing my dog roam around in circles and see my fish so excited for some fish flakes. Animals and plants keep me going.

 

[wishingonstars]

My dog and my fish. Nothing keeps me pushing more than seeing my dog roam around in circles and see my fish so excited for some fish flakes. Animals and plants keep me going.

Animals are great, I have a cat who helps a lot, she is so sweet and cuddly and I worry who would be willing to take her if I am gone.

 

[leviant123]

Animals are great, I have a cat who helps a lot, she is so sweet and cuddly and I worry who would be willing to take her if I am gone.

I am the same way with my babies, I try to take care of myself at least a tad bit so they can have me around because I don't trust anyone with them lol. cats are cool, i used to have this cat around in my neighborhood that would come up to me.