Help what are your reasons for staying alive?

[wishingonstars]

I'm just about done but part of me is still holding on and despite the pain I don't want to hurt my family or friends. What are peoples reasons for staying alive and also what has helped you get better?

I have done so many types of therapy for so many years, I have been on various meds, various combos of vitamins, tried eating healthy and I have an active lifestyle due to my job and also walking a lot bc of not owning a car. I have very supportive friends and close family that I know loves me immensely and I love both my friends and family so much. I have been to an inpatient hospital/psych ward (3 and 1/2 month long stay) and will not put myself through that again. I wanted to try one of those fancy residential/inpatient programs but found out my insurance doesn't cover out of state and there are none in state. (USA here) I have a million coping strategies that are no longer doing enough. I was going to try ketamine assisted therapy but the cost plus how long it would take to see someone and the traveling time is very limiting right now.

My brain capacity is pretty much at zero and I'm afraid I will lose my job soon, I might try to get FMLA but it's a lot of paperwork and without a program to go to I would just be losing money and getting more depressed with nothing to do but at the same time I can't focus on work at all.

I'm listing all the things I've tried because I don't want to be recommended things I have already tried. I don't know what to do, if anyone has advice please let me know. I hate that there is such a stigma of suicide but then getting help is so impossible. I have been trying to get help for months now, I started trying as soon as I realized meds and therapy were no longer providing enough support. Everything I have tried proved hard to attain though and had many barriers and now I feel I have run out of time I can't wait until a ketamine assisted therapy spot opens up and I can't wait the time it would take to switch insurances to get into an out of state program.

I have done all of the waiting I can do but if there is any help I could get that is immediate I want to try it before giving up. Please help if you can, I am at such a loss at what to do.

 

[aria_of_a_dream]

This sounds crazy but I want to get a ps5 again and play a couple games I've missed this past year since not having one

Video games were a good distraction for me and when I play them I guess I'm focused on that and not living in this nightmare

 

[wishingonstars]

This sounds crazy but I want to get a ps5 again and play a couple games I've missed this past year since not having one

Video games were a good distraction for me and when I play them I guess I'm focused on that and not living in this nightmare

I hope that helps for you! I never played video games a whole lot so I don't think it'd help me unfortunately.

 

[sadman1897]

My daughter and mother are the only ones keeping me alive

 

[wishingonstars]

My daughter and mother are the only ones keeping me alive

Same but with my sibling, mother, and best friend. Unfortunately I seem to have reached a new low where I don't know if it is enough anymore.

 

[shampoo sniffer]

I feel like my reasons for wanting to stay alive aren't enough. I don't have any friends and most of my family are estranged, although I am close with my parents. I don't know how much longer they'll be alive for, though.
I like making art but is it really enough to live for?

 

[wishingonstars]

I feel like my reasons for wanting to stay alive aren't enough. I don't have any friends and most of my family are estranged, although I am close with my parents. I don't know how much longer they'll be alive for, though.
I like making art but is it really enough to live for?

If making art makes you even a little happy that can absolutely be enough. Nobody gets to decide what counts as enough besides you.

 

[leviant123]

My dog and my fish. Nothing keeps me pushing more than seeing my dog roam around in circles and see my fish so excited for some fish flakes. Animals and plants keep me going.

 

[wishingonstars]

My dog and my fish. Nothing keeps me pushing more than seeing my dog roam around in circles and see my fish so excited for some fish flakes. Animals and plants keep me going.

Animals are great, I have a cat who helps a lot, she is so sweet and cuddly and I worry who would be willing to take her if I am gone.

 

[leviant123]

Animals are great, I have a cat who helps a lot, she is so sweet and cuddly and I worry who would be willing to take her if I am gone.

I am the same way with my babies, I try to take care of myself at least a tad bit so they can have me around because I don't trust anyone with them lol. cats are cool, i used to have this cat around in my neighborhood that would come up to me.

 

[memento-mori]

grandparents, hope for a better future and fear of failing

 

[Irisse]

My parents, my grandma and the fact that I want a uni degree before I die but I'm far from obtaining it.

 

[FoxSauce]

Freinds and siblings thats it

 

[fedup1982]

I've tried many, many antidepressants. Like, about a dozen. Finally on one that seems to work but its an older one, a trucyclic, and has made sexual function difficult. I suggest you keep trying medications until one works!

What's keeping me here? Im really the only person in my girlfriends life and I wouldn't want to do it to her. Plus, its incredibly hard dying. If I had a magic pill that could kill me without hurting anyone, I'd definitely take it. But I don't. So I guess I need to just live. It's hard to imagine living another 40 years but I guess I don't have much choice. Hopefully I'll get my adhd symptoms sorted soon which will help me actually enjoy life. But I'd give it all up happily if I had that magic pill

 

[deep-sleeper]

I want to be alive because of some video-games that I want to play and some animes/mangas I want to see their endings of

 

[Eyck-Head]

What used to motivate me to keep fighting is kinda gone. I think I'm kinda just existing now, seeing what happens.

I'm starting to develop the "nothing matters" mindset, which is liberating so I'm just seeing how this year will play out. Kinda becoming a curious spectator to my life.

 

[Grimlock]

Small things like new releases for books or tv shows I engage with. I don't have a unique goal or a support system to keep me going.

 

[MatiSendiri]

Leaving seems to painful to me right now. And if I die my mom would be sad about it...

Might reconsider this if shit really hits the fan though.

 

[Leonszabs]

My two dogs and the fact that I wanna one day meet a hot guy and be his boyfriend

 

[WallTermite]

I'm still here because all methods are trash.

 

[fiber-limb]

There are a few things keeping me going. My family is one, I'm incredibly close to my mother and little brother.

Another is my creative pursuits, which I highly recommend you try. I draw, make music, write, and i'm very passionate about fashion. The way I see it, you're the only one who has your ideas. If you don't get them out before you die, nobody will. Creativity helps give life meaning, it gives you goals to work towards. If you haven't tried already, I highly recommend giving it a go. You can start small, journaling your thoughts, doodling little guys, and build it up from there.

The last is my fear of having a painful exit. I've been thinking about how I want to go out, and i'm positive that I want it to be instant, and painless. That really only leaves me with the option of a loaded gun pointed back at myself, which is expensive, and it takes a lot of effort to get a concealed carry license for a handgun. Maybe things will get to that point eventually but for now that's a hurdle i'm not hopeless enough to jump.

I hate that there is such a stigma of suicide but then getting help is so impossible.

Life is seen as a virtue in and of itself. It's seen as a sin against god to reject life. i have had a lot of trouble squaring this in my head aswell. Rates of suicide and depression are nearly non existent in societies more in touch with the earth and the world around them, e.g. the hadza people of africa. So it's clearly the way we have structured the world that makes us so upset, our society. The same society teaches us that it's sinful and selfish to choose to exit it though. It feels like, we're being ground down, and are told to be grateful for it. idk. i agree with you that the stigma is ridiculous, and in addition to that, seeking help is made incredibly difficult. you need to fill out this form and visit this office and call this number and remember these digits. it's not as easy as people make it out to be .

 

[Bxtra]

Personally, whatever is keeping me alive that day are not big things. They're small. Almost insignificant to the daily grind of life. Whether the world gets me down or I get myself down, I listen to the birds singing. I feel my dog's fur through my fingers. I help a tired bee out by feeding it. Identifying a tree to learn if it has medicinal properties. Focusing my breathing while I practice archery. Instead of focusing on my shortcomings or the world being a dumpster fire - big things - I learn about the life around me and I focus on that until I am calm enough to keep going anyway.

 

[I Me & Myself]

Killing myself is a lot of effort and so much could go wrong. I feel like living is less of an effort than dying right now.
Before, my main reason was my cat. Didn't want her to be alone after I died.

The more I live the more I realise how much I would have missed if I died though. My favorite Band recently released new Songs, I watched a great TV show. I would have never gotten to experience that. I don't know if this helps but these are my reasons.

I hope you find a steadfast reason, I can relate to wanting to *want* to live.

 

[orpheus_]

Mostly just hope, fear of death and regretting the decision in the last moment. Sometimes when I feel like things matter, it's the will to experience life and make art and tell stories. I really want to finish writing a story I started years ago.. sometimes these things loose meaning like everything but then a bit of hope and not-really-believing-what-I-think-in-the-moment keeps me here.

 

[RedHotRage]

Sometimes when I'm at peak emotional turmoil, I just suddenly take a deep breath and I can feel the innocence, beauty, and simplicity of life. And man, I would live my life out if it were just that simple and beautiful instead of feeling cycles of anxiety and rage.

 

[violetstale]

It used to be because I hoped life would get better, that my body could heal and that I wouldn't be in so much pain and physical agony forever. If I wasn't I might have had the strength to work on my mental health and regain some semblance of a normal life but suffering both physically and mentally is more than I can endure. The hope of getting better has withered away. The thought of my suicide causing pain and trauma to the people I love hasn't though, and that is pretty much the only reason I still exist. That and the fact that my preferred method(s) aren't the most accessible unfortunately.

 

[Puffinz]

I am only alive because I feel so terrible about hurting people close to me with my suicide. I know I am lucky to have people who care, but I can't confide in them and I can't ctb so I'm stuck. I wish they could just forget about me and I could go.

 

[TheUncommon]

No feasible alternative other than walking out in front of a semi-truck. Walking out in traffic already didn't work once.

 

[TrappedGnostic]

My parents are still alive and they would be sad if I ctb'd.

 

[2percent]

Absence of a method that is acceptable to me, as I'd like to create minimal fuss. I live in Canada so looking forward to the expansion of assisted dying eligibility in 2027.

I've tried many, many antidepressants. Like, about a dozen. Finally on one that seems to work but its an older one, a trucyclic, and has made sexual function difficult. I suggest you keep trying medications until one works!

What's keeping me here? Im really the only person in my girlfriends life and I wouldn't want to do it to her. Plus, its incredibly hard dying. If I had a magic pill that could kill me without hurting anyone, I'd definitely take it. But I don't. So I guess I need to just live. It's hard to imagine living another 40 years but I guess I don't have much choice. Hopefully I'll get my adhd symptoms sorted soon which will help me actually enjoy life. But I'd give it all up happily if I had that magic pill

I'm right there with you. My partner is disabled and would be homeless if I went. We owe it our partners to find and pursue joy but it's such a difficult endeavour sometimes. Can I ask what tricyclic you found worked for you?

I try not to think about the rest of my life because it feels like I've been signed up to run a marathon and feel like collapsing about 2 kilometres in haha.