What are your main feelings that urge you daily to ctb?

[a_strange_day]

Emptiness, anhedonia and guilt. Right now guilt has taken over and it's the worst.

 

[awfullife]

I second the flashbacks post. They're permanent in my days. Intense shame and regret. No hope for a normal life. Inability to be independent. Everything lost - gone.

Imagine Joe Montana at his peak. Fame, fortune, stability. Now take it all away and ask him to rebuild from scratch in his 40s.

Hes going to say fuck it. I'm out.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

No hope that things will improve chronic depression and anxiety isolation and feeling a general failure in society I really do not enjoy being a human being it sucks.

 

[marcusuk63]

Awareness

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Regrets, frustration and hoplesness, sometimes longlines during that urges..

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Worthless, powerless

 

[Feelingsruiner]

Hopeless, unloved, alone, useless, incapable, guilty...

 

[Carrotcake]

Been depressed for 8 years, tried so many therapies and medications but nothing works. I don't believe there's anything out there that's going to help. Statistically, there is a part of people who get depressed that never recover. And I just can't live like this for the rest of my life.

 

[jusbug]

tired of fighting life, believe me guys i'm really tired, just waiting for the impulse to ctb that's all.

 

[charlottewilts]

i am very tired. my prayers go unanswered. people are jeering and sneering. i just want out.

 

[LMLN]

Sorrow, regret, trauma, agonizing emotional pain.

 

[throwaway123]

loneliness

 

[Shaqxbb]

Regret along with all the other symptoms that stem from my regrets.

 

[Astral316]

Is permanent stagnation a feeling?

 

[Soulless_Angel]

feeling trapped, no control over anything, self loathing, knowing nothing will ever change, being emotionally manipulated, being emotionally destroyed and controlled

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Guilt and regret. Shame, disappointment in myself and others.
My utter inability to change anything. Or forget everything.
Not feeling safe anywhere really.

 

[okaoki]

hopelessness , numbness , loneliness , emptiness , depression , anxiety

 

[Manja]

Destroyed emotionally, damaged physically (although nothing vissible but still...) feeling worthless and guilty all the time. Now my mum died and she was the only reason for me to live...the only person who cared...I can't wait to ctb

 

[Squiddy]

Hopelessness, bipolar, brain fog, anxiety and BPD

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

Extreme guilt, shame, self-loathing, loneliness, laziness, emptiness, I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. I'm so jealous of others. I wish I was normal. Extreme hopelessness and despair that gets worse with every passing day. No matter what happens, I will never feel better about myself. I know I am weak and I am a coward. I am a waste. I found out today a co-worker hanged himself. The world would have been better served if we had traded places.

 

[hopelessandbroken]

im just so tired of living in pain

 

[XXX]

I am not yet sure I want to die. But the reason I do is I hate myself. I do not want to fail in my plans and dreams one single time more. It doesn't matter what I can show for myself - because of my bipolar II diagnosis 20 years ago I am considered a weak, unreliable liability.

I just had to quit school I had started because I didn't pass the medical needed for apprenticeship. I had all these testimonies and references and recommendations but they didn't give a shit. If you have that diagnosis, they don't care about who you are and what you do, they just see the diagnosis and think that you are weak and can't be trusted.

I'm 49. You don't get many new chances at my age. I am already considered way past the best before date - so starting again from zero without a clue does not appeal to me the slightest.

I know all those people who make these decisions would consider it just fine for me just to grow old doing nothing, enjoying pleasures and spending time with family. I will not do that. If I can not achieve something, do something worthwhile *I* want to do - I will not stick around. I will have the dignity and autonomy of taking my life in my own hands and discarding it if I can never succeed.

So, you see, it is not so much pain as it is anger and weariness. Of course, at worst that sort of self-loathing is painful too. But I avoid dwelling on it so my family and friends don't notice. I pretend that I've recovered from my loss. I have attempted 24 years ago so they'll go ape if they even think I'm considering it.

I'm so sorry for all for you who really suffer. I don't really, in any other aspect. I have a lot of friends, loving family, physically healthy, lot of pleasures.

But all the same, I will rather die than be a loser who is rejected everywhere if I don't hide this secret. The diagnosis is worse than a criminal record. Criminals get second chances.

Anger. Self-loathing. Being so goddamned tired. Not willing to get my hopes up and fail YET AGAIN.

 

[omoidarui]

feeling another day older

 

[mediocre]

Becoming physically weaker. Enduring more pain that gets worse with each passing day. Constant anxiety and worry. Feeling overwhelmed with so many problems.

 

[hopefullysoongone]

Anxiety, perpetual disappointment, guilt, inferiority. How fractured and scattered my brain is. Feeling trapped like I'm not supposed to be in this life and have to find a way out.

 

[ReadyToMeetMyMaker]

I second the flashbacks post. They're permanent in my days. Intense shame and regret. No hope for a normal life. Inability to be independent. Everything lost - gone.

Imagine Joe Montana at his peak. Fame, fortune, stability. Now take it all away and ask him to rebuild from scratch in his 40s.

Hes going to say fuck it. I'm out.

This sums it up for me. I can totally relate. As soon as my divorce is over and i get my will and affairs in order...i will be out of here. Hopefully before the end of the year.

 

[MissNietzsche]

I have binge eating disorder, and I feel fat and ugly 24/7.

 

[mattwitt]

Anger and stress followed by my strength and energy levels feeling totally depleted even after small tasks.

 

[Moon Flower]

There's just this near constant internal pain and heaviness

 

[BlueWidow]

Tired of missing my husband so much it physically hurts & struggling to do anything due to severe thyroid problems. Also, for all stupid suggestions from people about how to make it better ( like they have a fucking clue) and doctors only offering me the same old treatments that didn't work before over and over again.
Lastly, I hate going through menopause! I thought nothing could be worse than having my period. Wrong!
I don't miss the mess, but menopause is just as bad in a different way. Sorry guys for the female complaints.