Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[innominesatanas44]

Dont know whether to cope longer or end it all

 

[soulkitty]

I'm so tired but don't want to sleep also I hate myself I'm a piece of shit

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm very mixed. It's like somebody stuck sadness, anger, fear, and relief into a blender and forced me to chug it. The first three emotions are my typical usual bs I've been dealing with lately but the relief comes from the fact that my younger sister seems to have finally broken up with her shitty boyfriend. She seems really sad about it though since according to my mom she took some sleeping pills a while ago and has been asleep ever since. I tried to check on her and she does indeed seem to be sleeping but I didn't get close enough to check if she was like, actually alive or not. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow. I don't know how I can be so concerned and not concerned for her at the same time. I guess the thing I'd be afraid of most from her committing suicide before me would be that people would start watching me more closely and not allow me to carry out my own suicide which would suck. It really is an arms race as to see which of us could die first. I doubt she's ever been on this website though because she would probably have been able to identify me already.

 

[everythingoes]

I truly, genuinely feel like the world will be better off without me. I really believe I'm a burden to everyone around me. I feel sorry for all those who had the misfortune to meet me, and I can't wait to die so that no one else will have to meet me, see me, hear me anymore.
Everything that could have gone wrong in my life, went wrong. It's like the world itself is trying to shit me out because of how worthless I am.

 

[Heartaches]

I wanna cut myself. I'm feeling very paranoic and hopeless. I don't know who to trust, I don't know what to do. I've lost my way again.​

 

[lemonbunny]

hopeless. i want to rot. i hate thinking about going out again because it means i have to see people and be reminded of how much worse i am

 

[Meteora]

Sad, devastated, out of control.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Uncomfortable, broken into
-Nauseous
-Jittery
-Fidgety
-Anxious
-Insecure
---In terms of safety rather than personality

The most honest answer "without thinking" is just "uncomfortable". But there's elements to it, what's making me uncomfortable and the feedback loop of behaviour like squirming in my seat, agitating my emotions even further.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Looking forward to going back to work next week. I have a physically demanding job and I've taken almost 3 weeks off already after surgery. Having nothing to do fucks with my mental health too much.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I hate this body. I hate my failing health. I hate myself for my own bad choices. I deserve to fucking die. Sick of it all. Want to sleep but can't.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Got back from my trip yesterday and I feel pretty good at the moment. Despite my moments of anger and distress, I actually enjoyed my trip quite a bit and I am glad that my mom decided to bring me down to her country. I'm also really fucking tanned right now.


Picture of my tan line

Sorry for the bad lighting, it's actually more noticeable irl. I also have a tan line around my boobs which I think is pretty funny, lol.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Practiced hitting the carotid artery and finally got it reliably. I probably hit too hard though. I don't know if this is a common reaction but even after a few minutes I had trouble walking and my head slightly spinning. I'm alright now, though a tiny bit dizzy. If I need to go to the afterlife, I know I can count on hanging. Also the "high" feeling feels a bit nice...

I feel at peace. I'm not going to do anything in the near future, if ever, but I feel alright with my mortality. Knowing I can leave whenever I am ready ironically gives me the mindset to live a bit better.

In other news, I'm getting back into more niche hobbies again after 1.5 years and might go back to 72 hour fasts soon. I'll be okay.

 

[Malaria]

I want my loved ones to all be okay. I hope they're all okay. I wish I was the only one suffering and not them. They don't deserve it. I wish they could all give their suffering to me. I just want them to be happy.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Tired and horny. I have schoolwork to do but I'll probably start it later tonight. I also keep on finding myself thinking about him a lot and losing my virginity to him. Sometimes my thoughts become unhealthy and I can't help but think about how I'd probably allow him to do anything to me even it crosses a boundary for me.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I felt a little better now upon waking up and seeing the news that there's going to be a Shadow Generations animated short and they're going to livestream the Anime Expo panel about it in July 6th. I wonder if I'll even be alive by then? Even if I am, will I still be working this same job? I just can't see a future where I can stay there after being rejected by my crush. That hasn't happened yet but now instead of being 50/50 split on predicting what the outcome will be I'm like 75% sure she doesn't like me the same way but that remaining 25% is still clawing away at me. Like some kind of brain parasite trying to keep itself alive by keeping me alive when I just want to die. Part of me wants her to reject me so that I can finally have the freedom to CTB. Another part of me would be okay with her using me and then I can CTB anyway. A third part of me thinks I can move on but this part is the most pathetic one of all and I'm trying everything I can to suppress this evil entity that has the gall to have hope for someone so hopeless as I.

 

[$crim]

im tired of trying to make ends meet and bend over backwards to appease people who obviously dont want to better themselves
im sick of the lying people do just to make others happy around them, its so fucking frustrating. it isnt hard to be genuine and kind.
all of this stress is making me sleepy and anxious which contradict so much it drives me crazy

 

[Heartaches]

Anxious, I feel worthless, useless, good for nothing. Too sensitive, too weak. I wish I was stronger. I wish small things didn't bring me down. I wish I could effectively defend myself. I wish I didn't care what others think or say about me.

I don't like thinking about the future. I don't like thinking about school, I don't like thinking about work. I wish I could escape this hell.​

 

[HereTomorrow]

I want my friends to know I deeply care for them. I love my friends. I only love them to this extent because I don't want them to be hurting like I am.

Also making them happy makes me happy. I admit I'm almost lovebombing them sometimes, so I must back away from that and probably redirect it to myself.

I really need to care for my mental health, some of them have been asking me to do that. Now I'm here. Wanting to change my username, though everyone knows me here as HereTomorrow by now. I'm too much of a coward to CTB, so instead I internalize and drink seltzer water until it hurts.

 

[halleyscomet]

I'm in despair, I want to die so badly but I can't get the guts to

 

[HereTomorrow]

Double-posting.

So I'm dazed in misery, wanting to bang my head against the wall. It's complicated, so I sum it up.

Spoiler: Greentext moment

11 months ago, former high school planned an event where post graduates can attend, planned a specific day

This event is to celebrate retirement of my favorite instructor, I cannot miss it

I plan days off work to attend

2 weeks before event, whole thing gets rescheduled

I can't plan days off since work requires 3 weeks ahead of time

Today

I beg HR for specific days off with special permission

HR agrees to do it but needs manager approval

SCHEDULE CHANGES 1 WEEK BEFORE EVENT WITH NEW DAYS TWO HOURS AFTER GETTING APPROVAL

I wrote a borderline trauma dump note to my manager saying why I desire the NEW days off despite HR approved different almost crying (but didn't)

He will read the note in 5 hours

I have 2 days off work so I can only hold my breath and wait until my next shift

I never requested such days off beforehand generally seen as dependable

Turns out the event hours are all a.m. hours (7-9 a.m., not p.m.), I never needed to plan any days off since I work late evenings

I basically trauma dumped my manager without good reason. I'm a massive fuckup of a person. Please God fucking kill me oh my fucking God. I am a quiet well behaved person in the workplace and I broke down in writing because I just wanted to say goodbye to my former instructor when I didn't need to. I'm a miserable person.

He'll probably understand and give me the days off but I feel like a fraud now. Well, at least it'll be the last time I'll ever do this event so I guess it's worth it?? I'm an adult. I make a childish mistake. Someone kill me.

 

[lonely&trapped.]

Bored and hungry rn, but I felt good today overall. However, I'm not sure for how long. The dread and hopelessness is trying to slowly creep its way back in. I wondered if this was just a manic euphoria episode; whereas I will soon come back down to the harsh reality of my situation: my crushing loneliness and regrets over wasting years of my life. Eventually, I'll just be suicidal again.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel very horny for some reason. Sex has been my mind all day. I have no clue as to why I'm like this and I can't masturbate properly because I'm spotting right now and I don't want to get my hands dirty. Otherwise, I'm fine I guess. I still have to read some textbook chapters and watch a few lectures, but that's it.

 

[HereTomorrow]

SaSu and venting has helped me regulate my emotions. The stress and anxiety I'm feeling is quite high, to the point I want to drop everything and cry. I actually want to cry. I want to feel something.

But I'm not.

I'm visiting high school peers four years after graduating. I admit quite well I was a mental mess and a borderline asshole to a handful of them while I was there and while I think they've forgiven and not forgotten, I have this slight paranoia they hate my presence. I keep trying to atone for it but I know it's best for me to just do my stuff, ignore them, and have fun.

Seeing all of them with university degrees, the only thing I feel I'm better at them with is having no student loan debt.

I'm coping alright. I'll be okay.

 

[Havnis]

Shackled even here

 

[PinballWizard39]

Sick of so many mixed messages - psychologist said to me that it's rare to see someone who can hold down a job when they have as much trauma and severe mental health conditions as me.
Nurse today dressing my self harm - 'I don't know why he said that - I know lots of people with mental health issues that work.' - Yeah we're not just talking depression or a bit of anxiety...
My work colleague - 'You're so good at hiding how you really feel - I can read people really quite well, but I can't always tell with you'
Couple hours later - 'You haven't had any moments of overwhelm lately'
Really? So the other day when I disappeared at lunch, I wasn't having a meltdown in the Chaplains office...Plus I've just told you how overwhelmed I'm feeling, but what, because my face doesn't match the emotion, it's not there or I'm lying?
Manager - 'You look a lot less tired that you did when you were working full time' I'd just told her how bad my insomnia had become.
I feel like because I don't look how everyone would expect me to look, then I'm not believed. It's why it's called 'high functioning'. And no, it's not always good. It means I ignore my own needs because I'm so used to suffering, I don't even know I'm unwell half the time.
Ugh. Sorry.

 

[everythingoes]

Sometimes I feel so much hatred for my life that I want to throw up. It literally makes me sick.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My friends forced me to arrange for a therapist last night. Luckily all I was able to manage was to "request authorization" whatever that means. They think my anxiety is treatable. Maybe it is but I'm not going to let it. I'm not going to give myself the satisfaction of recovery. That jerk doesn't deserve it for what he's done to me. Why should he get to prosper and be happy when he's made me so miserable? Why should I get to finally feel good about myself when myself has suffered at the hands of me?

Maybe I'll entertain the therapist and try to stretch them as far as they can go to the point of frustration. Boy that'd be neat. In general I just feel sad and lonely but that's not worth going to therapy over. My anxiety is a defense mechanism keeping me protected from the terrors from the world, probably. It doesn't matter either way I'm still gonna CTB within a few months. That's the only thing keeping me going.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I couldn't enjoy my days off work because I'm stressed about the note I left to my manager requesting days off before I left.

I could go on and on, I don't think it's worth talking about again. All I feel is stress. Took a 1.5 hour walk and still feel numb. I want to indulge in my hobbies but I can't due to being paralyzed by stress.

What makes me happy and lowering stress is talking about niche interests but I don't know anyone IRL to discuss it with, and it's hard to talk about them with people online who don't have the same love with it as me. Why must I be cursed with loving hard to find arcade games instead of something normal like Marvel or Nintendo? I hate one sided conversations.

The days feel the same. I work, play videogames, eat, sleep, and if I'm lucky my friends actually talk to me, for they too are too busy with their own lives.

I still want to cry. I don't know how to. If I couldn't cry venting about SA IRL, I don't know what could make me.

 

[Denza]

Pathetic

I tried ending it last night but ended up getting too scared of missing out on things. Then I woke up today feeling way shittier than before haha

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Sleepless, anxious, hopeful

Weird combination