Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Malaria]

I want someone to hug me so bad and tell me everything is going to be alright, I'm so lonely, I'm so crushed, I'm so miserable, it's not stopping, nothing's making the pain stop. I just want a hug, why is that so hard for me to get? I just want to be comforted, why am I always deprived of that? I'm getting told I need to face the world alone, but I don't want to do that, it's so hard, I need someone, I need help, someone please help me.

 

[StarryEyed]

Can I figure a way out again?

 

[CTB Dream]

Need ctb no want stay

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Fam is being a cunt again.

 

[Promised Heaven]

My body feels disoriented and disordered. My head feels like it's in constant stress. I love to comfort and help people because I want someone to comfort me. Yet I can't take the advice I give to others for myself. Kinda like a "when a therapist needs a therapist" except I'm just some random casual on the internet.

Spoiler: Venting many paragraphs. SA mention.

I want to be hugged and have my hair played with and held close. I feel like I'm playing hero and bottling up so much. I'm tired of the overwhelms, but it won't go away. I'm scared to be intimate with anybody. I'm scared to let myself be vulnerable.

Last time I was vulnerable to someone IRL I confided in them about my SA last month. They have yet to contact me after that day and I feel like I screamed into the void.

I can't sit down and relax for more than a few days without feeling my body getting grabbed and touched. Not so strong to be realistic, but a light reminder, that something happened to me. Like some ghostly figure coming back to haunt me. I feel disgusted with myself. I'm overshowering just to get my "ick" off. My skin is very dry at this point I need lotion.

The worst part is I can't cry. I don't know why I can't cry. I want to release all this stress out but even typing this helps only a little. I'm still recalling things about my childhood as recently as yesterday. I don't get those movies where people go from not knowing anything to suddenly knowing everything. It feels like knowing the key components after putting the pieces together and slowly spreading into knowing new information from those components and feeling more afraid and weak and just an overall mess of a person.

I don't know, I genuinely wish I never recalled my SA. I can't tell anyone IRL. I can't even physically get myself to say "I was sexually abused" without an hour of preparing, and when I did it was very weak and squeaky. Even if I did trust a therapist I'd spend too much money and too many sessions just trying to say it, and even then I don't know 100% if I'm right. I know this is a common reaction to SA, but it's not until you've lived through it that you understand how much it messes with you (and I desperately hope you never have that happen to you).

I don't even want to CTB. I honestly do want to live. But my body and mind is so corrupted and disoriented I want to get rid of it. I want my remains to be used to grow a tree of hope to other people to hear my story post death and help their SA healing before they end up like me, but that's only a broken dream.

I gotta stop typing. My verbosity and pain is getting to me. I hate my life. I just want to be okay.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Today people in North America will see solar eclipse, and those who are fortunate will do total eclipse! But excitement and driving don't mix well - please don't total your car...

 

[deleteduser929132]

Overwhelmed and tired

 

[scarletrat]

exhausted and sad

 

[Dark Moon]

I was playing some MW III zombies and ranked earlier. I did good which surprised me, I came at the top or near top of the scoreboards. I won a couple of matches but ranked search and destroy is too competitive for me, sorry if this is not relevant to the thread but I still feel empty anyway despite that happening.

 

[Less_Negative]

You know, I talk a lot about suicide and I think about it almost every single day. Hell, I even made this account 3 years ago and nothing has changed. Yet I do nothing but delay the inevitable, just for the sake of not breaking the hearts of the few family members that actually care about me.
I just don't want them to think I did it because of them, but it's hard to make people understand you did it because of yourself. It'd be nice if I were to die in an accident, then I wouldn't have to feel so bad about wanting to die.

I just want to lay down and look at the stars while I hug my pets and say my goodbyes.

 

[billie]

I want to die

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Feeling sick... I feel like throwing up. I felt ok yesterday.
Maybe I will make some soup later today.
If it's covid, I hope it kills me. I couldn't get that lucky.
Will the misery never end? I'm tired but I can't sleep.

 

[greebo6]

desperate

 

[limeoctave]

devastated

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Afraid, so afraid. And alone, so alone. It feels like my fear is getting too much to bear.

 

[Malaria]

I'm tired of lashing out and having emotional outbursts. I'm trying so hard to keep it all under control, but man, when the emotions get so overwhelming, I say the most horrible things to the people I care about and then feel like a piece of shit later.

I don't care if I have BPD, it's not okay. I feel like a horrible person.

 

[JaJu]

I tested positive for COVID, because dreading going to work everyday wasn't enough. The inside of my throat feels so inflamed and swelled up it really hurts to swallow.. thankfully the pounding head and dizziness kind of went away.. cough, runny nose—all that good stuff. I really hope it doesn't come with life long health consequences... I'm so annoyed of customers that cough to their heart's content without covering it or wearing a mask!!! They need to get bitchslapped across the face for a wake up call.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel terrified right now. I'm heading to my dad's son to come clean about everything. I know it's the right thing to do but I'm fucking terrified. They are going to probably find out at some point by themselves anyway, so I may as well own up to it and come clean to them myself. I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't safe coming home to mom's place then I don't have to. This is something I must do, though.


Edit: Things went well :)

 

[inferiorpisspot234]

The world is insane

 

[Ouiouirikiki]

After trying what I thought was best for my peace. Seems like my goodbyes that were sent to ppl overseas 10+h timezone diff be careful. I wouldv succeeded but the authority's seem very responsive to calls overseas about these things. This has breaken my saved up plan for months. And everyone even my online community was now aware. I'm shunned disposed off laughed made as a joke / liar attention seeker. My own family called authority's 4x one me in 1 month to get me interned hospital at this point it's day by day the walls are my best friend now and a dark room with a single PC seems to keep me ok for Somme reason. Ok with knowing that maybe I was trash and fighting u can do for so long. So I accepted it. Not even want any support for these feelings. Iv accepted it and and moving slowly. Numbness is a curse and a blessing. Somme days feel like hours but today it feels like a week.

Day by day my friends. Wish u the best in all your choices thanks for having me

 

[greebo6]

Hopeless

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm pretty happy right now. Today was a pretty good day. My mom, dad, and I went to get some stuff done today since mom and I will be heading out of the country for a bit soon. She says that she thinks it'll be good for me. This will be my first time leaving the country so I'm excited. I had a lot of fun today.

 

[Malaria]

Traumatic events are coming back to me... I don't like to admit it, but those traumatic events are partially what led to me attempting suicide last year... I wonder if these emotional scars will ever heal...

 

[Tact]

they say that life is a journey that never ends right away
nothing ever comes together the way I want... any day
they say that time will flash by, and it accelerates when you never notice
but like life that's never the way, that's never the way it happens at all

oh how i wish i did more with my time here on earth
it's what i would have wanted
they say you don't move enough
you don't try enough or act or have will

i don't see why i could ever change anything in the world
i don't see why i was told that i could ever change anything in the world
they all lied, as ignorance is bliss
it's never something that is known to any child

regret, sadness, depression in the head
music, writing, stories never said
i never knew how this could ever end
oh why... why... why...
oh why..........

 

[ixkitty]

My life is wasting away and I know exactly what I need to do to fix it.. but I can't...

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Empty despite the fact that people love me and drained, getting out of bed is a challenge each day.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I purchased a stuffed animal. A moderately expensive one that is super soft and has fluffy faux fur. I haven't purchased a cuddle stuffed animal since I was 11 and with my parents. Whole thing plus other things costed nearly $ 70.

When I got back I held him for a bit and just felt better. Few strings and fur misalignments but nothing I can't mend. I might put some floral scents on him like lavender or jasmine to feel more cozy and cuddly. It'll never feel the same as a human being but I think I'll be okay for now.

I'm a grown woman. What in the world am I doing buying stuffed animals, especially a large one (not those giga ones, still holdable)? I feel childish, definitely embarrassed, I just want to hold something. God I'm pathetic.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so unhappy my heart hurts. I'm so tired of living this life.

 

[Seaghost]

Damaged! Sad!

I've been told I need to have a legal carer.
Said by offical obstruction: My Problems are too much too handle for them.

It feels like I'm good for nothing.
Didn't thought I will sink that deep.

And I tried so hard to be something. Again failure

 

[Dark Moon]

I don't know how to explain but I don't really feel good.