Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[clueless2dayor2morro]

like a failure, very alone, like everything bad that has happened to me is my fault, like i'm too sensitive but also that people treat me poorly for no good reason, like its too late for me, like my life is going nowhere good, like everyone thinks i'm trash upon seeing me even though they don't know me, like people think bad things of me without knowing me--making it very hard to want to make friends or get to know people or to prove their ideas about me are wrong, like people aren't worth getting to know, especially whenever i do try i always end up getting to know the wrong people, the wrong kind of people who end up taking advantage of or hurting me for selfish reasons, people who feel justified in hurting me because of who i am and how i live my life, i feel like disconnecting but i also want to feel like connecting with others. i feel like noone wants to help me. i feel like everyone sees me as not putting in any effort into myself. i feel like helping out those who i know need help but i know that in order to help them, i need to reconnect to them even though the reason i disconnected from them is because they hurt me so badly and its made me who i am today, a person who people hate for no good reason except for vain, awful reasons. i want to disconnect so badly but i know i should just give recovery another attempt.

 

[leaf23]

I hate the way I'm so easily trapped and constrained by other people's perspectives, reduced into this terrified, shaking useless thing. I'm aware of how my mental health issues sometimes blur things out of proportion but hearing others' negative opinion of me is like reinforcing and giving truth to my low self-esteem. "Hell is other people."

 

[sevenelevenths]

Just tired.

 

[CTB Dream]

This life not worth,real need leave

 

[Venus13]

Dehydrated

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I feel like I can't cry anymore and that my tears have all dried up. Or maybe it's just not true... I don't know.

 

[aforestfire]

at this point life can't get better for me, can it? in order for that to happen i have to try, and i'm so tired of trying and doing things by myself.
i'm tired, i don't even want to die right now, i just want this feeling to go away.

 

[Gossamer]

I'm tired. I drank a lot of hard beer last night and drunk texted like an imbecile, then had a meltdown in front of my (former?) best friend. Felt like I would never be loved, realising how alone I am and how much of a dead end I've gotten myself into. There's a lot of guilt on my mind, I'm not sure I'm even functional anymore, mostly, I'm spending my days reading and drinking cheap alcohol in the same cage of a studio apartment.

 

[Piki]

There was no aim after a period of days in which the day and night were totally reversed, the ordinary comments of others were exceedingly harsh, and my own jokes were both humorous and sad. I constantly have a nagging feeling of resistance in my hands and neck; I don't want to feel, don't want to answer, want to run away.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I really need out.

 

[http-410]

wrong
irrelevant
superfluous
misunderstood
failed
in pain
hopeless
suicidal

 

[Zegers]

Today i went out and i had blurred vision, dizziness, physical discomfort, fatigue, sadness... how is supposed to live like this?

 

[LastFlowers]

I'm antsy with anger and unyielding discomfort in my own skin…I keep peeling my lips off repeatedly without realizing it, until they bleed.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I wish I could die in my sleep.

 

[Ifonlyitwassosimple]

At the moment I just feel numb.

 

[sigh333]

pretty desolate nothingness, even after havin a nice evening with my mom & a havin a couple ppl reach out lately to lmk they're thinkin of me. thinkin tn could be my last night, but ive been here before so prolly not. we'll see

 

[Zegers]

Today i was in a class and i could hardly stand the 4 hours of discomfort, dizziness and then when i left i saw how people were leaving in supercars or with their families while i walked until i could catch a taxi, so many little details that make you feel miserable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so stuck. I feel like I just can't bare my life but I feel like I have to for my Dad's sake. I feel so ready to go but I don't know how long I'm going to need to hold on for. I need to find a job but it's going so badly. I don't even want to anyway. I know it's just going to make me feel even worse. I hate it that we're all just stuck here- forced to try and cope with all the different things we're struggling with purely because we don't want to upset other people by CTB.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Dealing with an internal monologue, but I believe that being treated like a nuisance is the antithesis of autistic anguish. It seems like no matter what you do, someone will object to it and you'll feel bad about it. You've had so many of your great qualities or interests questioned that you can't even fight that guilt.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Awareness

 

[Corliz]

Ready. I've struggled with reality since the day my son drowned. I swam out after him, had him in my arms and lost him. I've followed the charcoal forum. I blew up my vehicle in my last attempt. I don't think 3 bags where necessary. From what I've read 4lbs should do. Tonight is my night

 

[Braindead Atheist]

I hate life. I don't care anymore. I'm done. There's no reason to be here I'm tired of all the false hope. I looked at many different options and paths. Dead ends. All of them. I'm done looking at options. I gave life a chance to work out and it never did.

There are no design jobs with my qualifications. I tried and tried. Even the ones that don't require a bachelor's require 5+ years of industry experience. And how would I get that if nowhere will hire me to begin with?! I even if I did have a bachelor's degree, I wouldn't be able to retain info or work fast.

I get bullied and fired at almost every job I try and this I thought I'd have a better chance at not ending up that way. Then again, maybe not. But it doesn't matter. I'm done. All art has ever gotten me is abused and now dissapointinted and discouraged. I have no choice but to do something I hate. I can't want anything anymore because it only leads to dissapointment.

I don't care anymore. I can't afford to. As soon as I have money I'm buying SN and solving all my problems. I wanted to stay for my friends but it's not worth this much dissapointment and suffering. I love them and stayed for as long as I could, but I'm ready to go.

I wish I could die in my sleep.

God I know! Right?! This whole life is just a sham. I don't even want anything anymore. I'm ready to go and if other people aren't then to bad.
I don't want to do anything but stare into space and ignore everyone and everything. So why not just ctb?! If it's just over then why does it matter? Why can't I just cease to exist? I really don't care or want anything else.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So exhausted... Not wanting to go to sleep yet cuz I ate awhile ago. Depression from life and work.
Just want to peacefully leave. Keep wondering how much longer it will be til I snap. Not taking anyone with me, just want to fade away.

 

[Kurushii]

I want to eat but I don't have the money to buy food so I spend most of the day being hungry. I probably have around 600 calories a day on average or something. I just want food. Maybe I can cook something

 

[rationaltake]

I wish I could die in my sleep.

This really tugged my heart-strings.

 

[Rocinante]

Exhaust. It's over.

 

[mirror_mind]

Lonely, lazy, envious, weak, disrespected, unwanted, unattractive, boring, bored

 

[Lostandlooking]

I took a sleeping pill. I enjoy this feeling of being slightly out of it. Recently I thought how it would be a good idea to indulge in drugs a bit more often. I've been very careful for most of my life. And I still want to make sure I don't get too addicted. But being sober is very hard, I feel my reality is pretty bleak. And after all of the things I've tried nothing seems to work. My best bet is distractions and drugs. Suffering through the pain brings me nothing. I wish I could get back to a place where I have some faith in humanity and society. Sadly that's been destroyed. So now I'm enjoying my sleeping pill. Pretty nice. I still try to be grateful and enjoy the little things. Tomorrow I don't have to do anything. There's housework to get on with. But I may choose not to do it. And I'm grateful that I'm able to do that.

I feel bad about the amount of people on this forum who are suffering so intensely. And I wish for everyone to feel just a little bit better. Even a fraction would be good. And I hope the bigger problems get resolved too. I know that's difficult and complicated. Good night everyone.

 

[http-410]

Up until the therapy session, I still felt sedated from the sleeping pills I took last night. But after almost every session, it feels like a bear is slashing me with its paws. He rips out my intestines while I can only squirm in pain. I feel so infinitely lost and misunderstood. The pain is so piercing even through many layers of dissociation and is unbearable.

 

[ForsakenDial]

Pointless, hopeless, and forever will be unaccepted. All I want in life is to be accepted and welcomed into a community. To not be hated everywhere I go. But it is impossible, at least for someone like me. Trauma of all the times I were victimized by supposed friends, and by people who were more powerful than I was. How do you go on knowing that behind every face, behind every pair of eyes is an evil entity sustaining itself upon the suffering of people like me?
Even when I find people who do not tell me directly they hate me and pretend to want to withstand my presence, I still get memories of the past. The constant physical and emotions attacks.
I feel like the only way to escape is to die.