Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Rairii]

Confused and dumb. Not sure why I decided to see my dietitian after so long I guess I'm just desperate to talk to someone who "knows" me, especially since it would seem that my therapist has dropped me and my psychiatrist had to cancel my appointment on monday so I have to see some nurse. Gosh, I need friends. Either way, my eating habits have been shitty and I don't really want to change them even though they do annoy me, just because I know my metabolism has slowed down from this and if I eat how I am supposed to again I will gain weight. I am already only a few pounds away from overweight and I just can't stand being back up there again. I miss being underweight, I hated it so much and it was so miserable but gosh I miss it. I miss the eating stages of recovery where I ate normal and then some more because I needed to gain weight so desperately. I wish I could just lose all this weight again and go back down to where I was in January. I probably could if I tried hard enough but I simply do not, I'm pathetic.

My bladder is killing me too. I hate being in pain 24/7, both mental and physical. I'd just like a break for at least one day.

 

[wesv]

My diet is all fucked now ever since being released from the hospital. I was doing good before then, I was at a certain weight I wanted at a certain point, now I'm pretty sure I gained like 1-2 pounds, although I did take a few laxatives to offset it a bit and planning to take 2x tea in the morning.

I feel like I've been on a diet for like forever.

 

[assisted]

I'm so hungry.

 

[Zegers]

Today i was in a coffee shop full of people eating and i realized that i have improved of GAD since a few years ago i could hardly go out and even less to places with a lot of people, but what's the point if in the years when it has improved other things have worsened.

 

[CTB Dream]

Body feel hot hard tslk

 

[- V -]

Alone. Fool. Sad.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i wrote myself a sticky note on sept 27th, "i dont deserve to be happy, heartbreak will always follow.." why do i keep trying to be happy, my quote will always be true.....

 

[http-410]

I don't know what to do with myself, or how to deal with this never ending agony. Things that should help a normal person don't help me, they just make things worse.

I have the impression that my therapist subliminally blames me, and it is true that I am the only person who could have changed anything, if at all, AND I am still trying somehow. But it doesn't help. Of course I wish something would finally help, but it just doesn't. It's absolutely frustrating.

I feel as if I have lost control. I have sunk too deep into this swamp and will not be able to get out of it on my own, even though I wish I could. I WANT help, but it is not there. Instead, they watch me sink and don't take the situation seriously at all. I don't understand the people who advise talking to other people. Talking to my therapist was the worst mistake. I am not taken seriously, or constantly misunderstood. I'm completely alone in this shit, and that makes me incredibly sad.

 

[Life_and_Death]

im 23..my hip has me taking slow steps/limping from my walk to the bridge....i think my body missed the memo

 

[wesv]

Ate like a pig these past 2 days because of my new medication and because I'm on my period. Usually can control myself but I couldn't this time obviously because of the new fucking med. Ugh. I hate myself. Going to go on a fast tomorrow + 2x tea.

Fount out I'm most likely autistic today. I checked 99% of the boxes. I mean it makes a lot of sense and explains a lot. Like a fucking lot. At this point it's just a label. But it doesn't make it suck any less. My sister thinks I'm about 25% autistic. Maybe I'm like about 25-35%. Apparently autistic women are harder to spot and diagnose.

Got diagnosed with schizophrenia last year and now I'm autistic. Add in an eating disorder. Anhedonia. Depression? But I don't feel depressed. Maybe I don't ever feel depressed because I'm autistic. Hahaha. Chronic suicidal thoughts. My life is a shitshow.

 

[wesv]

Justice is decided by the Victors.
The Victors have already won.
What's the point in living when the Victors have already won?

 

[Rairii]

I'm so scared to fall asleep. I hate being awake but at least I have the ability to distract myself from the pain and memories. When I'm asleep, there is no escape nor is there control. They've been getting worse lately, the nightmares. I used to like how vivid my dreams were but now it's becoming a bit too much. I'd like a break please.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I wish I felt like an actual human being with worthwhile things to say or to contribute but then I remember that I really am pretty useless am I not? Even my family knows it which is why all of my suggestions and things like that are thrown out the window because nothing I say matters. Nothing I say matters on here either, I am very jealous of how eloquently people write and construct their posts, I can't do that because I have no substantial thoughts or words of advice or anything to impart. I wish God would just kill me already, maybe in some kind of car accident? People die every day and yet I'm still alive, for what purpose?

 

[sueoffside]

there's a buzzing in my head I'm kinda tired but don't want to have any nightmares I feel very annoying like my existence is too much I was going to post a poem I found in my notes app to here but I am so sensitive to rejection what is the point in putting myself out there for any reason

 

[Life_and_Death]

its getting colder here, winter is setting in.
i should get some olanzapine medication and go for a nice walk....the medication will have me sleeping all day, the cold will do the rest. it should be simple, ive almost gotten hypothermia in the middle of summer before.
it would be poetic too, that the cold were to kill me. considering that its his cold heart that has me here.
lying motherf*cker, youre a selfish asshole just like everyone else

 

[ApartmentSui]

I feel so empty, it's making me feel physically sick.

 

[Whistea]

Not feeling to hot right now, but it's not the usual stuff, I just got a pretty bad cold out of nowhere. Barely slept, eyes burning, coughing every 5 minutes. Hope that goes away soon, man.

 

[WhenTheyCry]

I'm feeling very sleepy

 

[fracturedviolence]

i don't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone and i hate that i have a responsibility too

 

[thankyouforthis]

I don't think my partner wants to me with me anymore. I think he's just too passive to do anything about it. Which means I'll have to do it, and I already know from experience how challenging it is to dump someone you still love.
Also, my health is so fucked up that I'm probably the only person in the world whose health IMPROVED with COVID. I have been battling chronic hives for weeks. COVID gave me two weeks off. Now that COVID is subsiding, the hives are back.
And, COVID or not, I can't seem to stop shitting. I am literally full of shit!

 

[Life_and_Death]

constantly been feeling sick for days... physical reaction to mental health...

that feeling when it seems someone wants you to kill yourself.
one of my reasons is age. i have zero desire to live past 30, let alone to 30. and my useless exhusband takes every chance he can to point out how "old" i am. "i dont have a problem with my age so idc" yeah thats nice for you, youre not 23 and already know that youre going to have an immobile, dementia old age life. i do. shut up. when someone has a problem with something, only a complete douchebag harps on it. guess what you are? and the fucking asshole still thinks we're together. i dont give a flying fuck what that paper says, we ARE NOT together. and considering we cant get a divorce until ive been moved out for 6months and you wont let me move out, im literally married to you by force at this point. that piece of paper means shit fucking all and i wish youd get that through your fucking skull
I
DONT
WANT
TO
BE
HERE!
YOU
ARE
NOT
MY HUSBAND!

 

[didn't-it-rain]

annoyed - turns out my VPN automatically disconnected while i was browsing this site for the last 20 min

 

[Rairii]

I hate this. I hate that I have to wait so long to see this new therapist but in reality it's not even that long but everyday feels barely bearable. i don't even know if she'll work out, gosh i hope she does because it's not like i have any other options around here. I wish stupid psych meds worked for me like they do for others. I know my problems are mainly trauma but freak I just want some relief from this bottomless pit of depression. The esketamine helped for the day of and the day after but not any longer than that, even then it really just turned down my suicidal thoughts some. even music has now stopped bringing me any temporary joy, that was the last thing I had. I hate feeling so miserable all the time. i hate being alive. this is so annoying.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Just want to die.

 

[aforestfire]

i wanna die, i'm so exhausted, it's unbelievable.
i just wanted to be happy, it's all i ever wanted, even five minutes of happiness i accept. why that shit is so hard?

 

[Zegers]

I've been going out here and there for years and nothing cool/interesting has ever happened like meeting people or something,
it seems being doomed to an absurd awful empty track. If i can't live this Matrix the way i want i don't want it.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I'm not well, I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm not feeling well. It's like I have all the things I normally have at the same time and they hurt me separately. But not with the same intensity each of them, more loosely, but all of them together at the same time. And the pressure on my mind gradually increased.

A few weeks ago I turned off being able to see the suicide section and, SaSu has lost his soul this way... it makes me feel so alone. Although I did it to not get emotionally involved and move forward through 'recovery' I realized that I need to know more about the dark side of SaSu.
I understand that I have not solved anything in this life of mine and that maybe it is time for me to do some serious thinking about what I really want and what I really do on this website.

I won't recover here, but do I want to recover?... I guess I have to risk taking steps forward to get out of this tangled mess of thoughts.

Maybe it's time to get serious about ending my life.

//

No estic bé, no se que em passa però no em trobo bé. Es com si tingués al mateix temps totes les coses que tinc normalment i em fan mal per separat. Pero no amb la mateixa intensitat cadascuna d'elles, mes fluix, però sumades totes elles alhora. I es va incrementant la pressió sobre la meva ment a poc a poc.

Fa unes setmanes vaig desactivar poder veure la secció de suïcidis i, SaSu ha perdut la seva ànima d'aquesta manera... em fa sentir molt sol. Tot i que ho vaig fer per no implicar-me emocionalment i sortir endavant a través de 'recuperació' me n'he adonat que necessito saber més de la part fosca de SaSu.
Estic comprenent que no resoldre pas res d'aquesta meva vida i que potser va sent hora de que faci una reflexió seriosa de que vull realment i de que faig de veritat en aquest lloc web.

Aquí no em recuperaré, però vull recuperar-me?... Suposo que tinc que arriscar-me a fer passos endavant per sortir d'aquest embolic enrevessat de pensaments.

Potser ha arribat l'hora de prendre'm seriosament posar fi a la meva vida.

 

[forgottenabout]

Death.

 

[CTB Dream]

This vry tired no check forum illne have etc hard check, ctb need

 

[Illidan77]

err.. actually i have mixed feelings... i haven't slept.. and actually can't think..
but err.. i'm feeling tired.. frustrated with myself for not being able to focus which lead to even small things took a lot time to be done..
not depressed.. numb.. thinking if i should sleep or not but then i'm now wearing a towel from prob 2 hours ago to shower.. just dyed my hair..
err now that I wrote it.. i better go shower.