When people ask me what I'm doing with my life or what I'm doing for a living, I get so triggered... Because I do absolutely nothing. I feel so useless and so hopeless. Absolutely worthless, like pure garbage. Like I have nothing to offer. I used to say that I'm simply working on my mental health, but no one understands that. Asking how do I live, income, etc. Well, I'm on disability and living on food stamps because I'm severely mentally ill (aka crazy as fuck), sorry to tell you.
Oh, I can relate to your post so much. I, too, do absolutely nothing and feel so useless, but I know I can't work and, even if I could, I don't want to. People stress me the hell out, and I hate having commitments. Commitments make me feel severely anxious, to the point of suffering with panic attacks at times, so I rarely even make plans with my friends because I just can't cope. My sleep schedule is pretty fucked up too, and if I know I have a commitment the next day, I usually spend the whole night tossing and turning, afraid I'll miss my alarm clock. Then I feel like shit the next day, and the whole day is usually a crap shoot. I mostly do things, like outings on the fly. When people ask me what I do, I make up lies to make myself seem productive. I am too embarrassed and hate myself too much to tell them the truth, that I mostly sit at home and listen to music and think about suicide and eat and read books and ride the waves of my severe mood swings. I feel if people really knew what I did all day, which is nothing, they would hate me, too, and it's hard enough hating myself, but having everyone else hate me, too, is just unfathomable for me. For instance, I haven't seen my mom or her side of the fam for five years now. They think I have a job and that I am on meds and am getting help for my bipolar disorder and that I am actively caring for my kids, but the truth of it is, I'm doing none of those things. Still, I never feel I can be honest with them, so I just lie so they think I'm living a "normal" and "happy" life. If they knew different, they would only worry and make me feel even more useless than I already do. They would make me dispise myself more than I already do. So I just tell them whatever they want to hear. I never mention suicide anymore, nor do I tell them the extent of my suffering. Not even my partner knows the full extent of it. He, too, thinks I get extra money by dog sitting because we don't live together, but in actuality, the extra money I receive is from my mom to help out a bit. Even some of my friends who I see regularly think I have a job, but I lie because I feel like such a horrible person that my partner is stuck caring for the kids full-time while I basically waste away and do nothing. I hope I get the courage to catch the bus soon. My life is no life to live and I really don't want to be here anymore. I wish my fears about dying and a possible afterlife would go away. I feel my suicide is inevitable, that hthe only thing holding me back right now is my fear. If the fear was somehow illeminated, I'd be a goner for sure, and I'd finally quit wasting resources, such as public hud housing, food stamps, social security, etc. I see so many homeless people roaming the streets or sitting in parks smoking pot, and I think to myself, I wish I could just get the courage to end it already. Someone somewhere in this group of suffering souls would have an open apartment to call theirs if I wasn't here. And someone else would have a month's worth of meals from food stamps if I wasn't here. And social security would be eleven hundred plus dollars less broke if I wasn't wasting it all away. I should just leave, I'm so worthless, there's no point in me existing, I have no purpose. But still here I remain, gathering up my courage to leave.