pretty much nothing from the life that i have to work with now.
maybe there were things that could have come from a different branch in the past, but i cant actually think of any real decisions i could have made at any point that may have lead to any better outcome. and anything that lead to a conclusion seems to me to have had a 'positive" outcome, in a way.
for almost two years ive had this on my mind in a serious way, (beyond just ideation while trying, as it would have been in the past), and so for a real length of time ive even thought about if there was any meaningful or cool thing i could do before going. theres a bladee lyrics where he says 'i just need one moment' and ive had that on my mind. but for example, if i bought ice cream and ate that somewhere on my own, i dont think i would enjoy that. and most things are like that for the same reasons. the best thing i could think of seemed to be playing a videogame in late 2023.
as for right now, i did briefly get into the playtest for Space Station 14 (a remake of a really weird online game called space station 13) and i think if i had more time i would have enjoyed that a bit more. but i cant in the state of mind im in right now anyway.
i think against the odds, if somehow in my life i met someone who was also interested in like weird music (or just a common shared interest like the above i guess), then even so, even after those 1 in a million odds, they in turn probably wouldnt be able to see a reason of their own to talk to me. while there are lots of things making the above really unlikely in the first place, and more just a concern from my past, i dont even think it would have helped cause they probably wouldn't be as isolated as me, & me liking something cool or whatever isnt really enough benefit for me to be added to anyone else's life. i could show interest in the things they might otherwise want to talk about, but they wouldnt see a reason to talk about it to me. (and now for me its the same anyway) (& i did play an instrument, this wasnt just about being a listener..)
i took a first year music class at uni recently and someone liked ed sheeran and another person liked jacob collier. if ur not a nerd like me maybe u dont understand why thats funny (but it is honestly really funny). so the first part of meeting someone is a 0.01% chance and the second part of them talking to me is multiplying by another 0.01% chance. but i have so many other bigger problems that make it all impossible anyway, in the past as well as now, it doesnt even matter anymore.
i enjoyed listening to music while i experienced it, and i experienced a Lot of it in some brief final NEEThood. but its 2025 now and my head is empty
lots of different things have flashed before my eyes at times, but my brain feels fried, like those parts might not even be properly working anymore at the real event its meant for.
i wonder if my final moments will be painful & stretch the seconds into years, if my survival instinct will be kicking in, and if so, if i might still feel deathly bored in the back of my mind
Overall, i wish i met more people so that there might have been something to miss
(as usual when i type a lot i feel like im interrupting, like taking over someone elses thread, but i was mostly on topic here or giving background info i guess, sorry..)