Discussion Were you raised to distrust people?

[Forever Sleep]

My Grandma did the bulk of bringing me up after my Mum died. She was very loving but also, very protective. Slightly strangely- seeing as the majority of men in our family were honest and kind, she did have a particular distrust of men. Maybe at the time, she had the false perspective that I may grow up to attract men- not at all as it turns out! But, I remember her insinuating how a lot of them are only out for sex. That all of them are potential cheaters.

I suppose from what I've witnessed, she wasn't entirely wrong! Truthfully, I'm glad I got the warnings really. Prudish people get mocked but then, we may not get hurt so easily.

I'm curious though- to know how common that is. Were other women warned about certain men? Have men grown up being warned about certain women? Were you taught that no one could really be trusted maybe? Although, I imagine that could do more harm than good! My friend's Dad once apologised to her that he hadn't warned her that some people can be shit.

Do you think your upbringing prepared you for the world? Did it maybe make you too nervous or untrusting? Or, too naive? Or, was the balance good? Do you wish you'd been warned about certain things and, not others?

 

[Pluto]

 

[LackOfDetermination]

Not a girl, but my parents still taught me to distrust everyone. Every adult was a kidnapper, and every other kid was a kidnapper's tool to kidnap me or was insane. They would constantly show me news stories of others getting kidnapped or lured into the forest by their friends and then stabbed to death. They even pretended to kidnap me (and my sister) and locked me in a dark room to "show us that we're too weak to fight back, so never trust anyone". I realized pretty early on (10) how fucked that was, but I'm still always subconsciously afraid of such possibilities even at 21.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not a girl, but my parents still taught me to distrust everyone. Every adult was a kidnapper, and every other kid was a kidnapper's tool to kidnap me or was insane. They would constantly show me news stories of others getting kidnapped or lured into the forest by their friends and then stabbed to death. They even pretended to kidnap me (and my sister) and locked me in a dark room to "show us that we're too weak to fight back, so never trust anyone". I realized pretty early on (10) how fucked that was, but I'm still always subconsciously afraid of such possibilities even at 21.

Feels like they stepped over the line between warning and actually traumatising there.

 

[LackOfDetermination]

Feels like they stepped over the line between warning and actually traumatising there.

Wasn't the first nor last time they did something like that to me or my sisters, and one of the reasons I moved out. CPS even got called once, but nothing came of it. Couldn't stop them from ruining my younger sisters' psyche and future like they did mine, and couldn't stand to continue watching, so I ran away like a coward like always.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Wasn't the first nor last time they did something like that to me or my sisters, and one of the reasons I moved out. CPS even got called once, but nothing came of it. Couldn't stop them from ruining my younger sisters' psyche and future like they did mine, and couldn't stand to continue watching, so I ran away like a coward like always.

It doesn't sound cowardly. I can understand you wanted to be there to protect your sister but, I imagine you were fairly young too. Sometimes, I think the best thing to do is to get away from it. Did your sister eventually?

 

[flimsythrowaway234]

They didn't raise me this way on purpose.

My parents tried to make me optimistic and trusting, but they themselves were falling apart behind the scenes which I saw through even as a child. Now I always have a functional facade, a mental armour of sorts, that I assume others always have as well and never let go of. This then leads to never accepting vulnerability or warmth from myself or others and therefore never being able to trust anybody. I never could figure out whether or not this facade idea is a harmful fabrication, just how people are, or both.

 

[LackOfDetermination]

It doesn't sound cowardly. I can understand you wanted to be there to protect your sister but, I imagine you were fairly young too. Sometimes, I think the best thing to do is to get away from it. Did your sister eventually?

I actually have quite a few sisters, though only my older one went through that specific incident. Unfortunately she's not able to live on her own (due to debt) so she has to continue living with them, but she did move out once to live with a friend. I did something similar but moved back out once I realized nothing would ever change, consequences and financial stability be damned. Unfortunately my younger sisters are under age and unable to move out, and the economy certainly doesn't bode well for their future independence. However, i have hope that it will get better so that they can get some freedom.

 

[noreason.toexist]

Do you think your upbringing prepared you for the world? Did it maybe make you too nervous or untrusting? Or, too naive?

Definitely too naive. I was raised the opposite of distrusting.

I have always been pretty secluded as a child, sticking to my own little groups and feeling safe there.
Resulting from that, I was always very open with anything, blindly telling people lots about me and my life, my fears, my weaknesses or things that make me happy.

There were lots of minor "betrayals" from people really dear to me, small friend groups that act normally around each other but then gossip and shit on people when they're not there and some other small stuff.

There was a really pivotal point in my life where I was lured into a sense of safety, giving my entire trust to that one entity and then being "betrayed". I cannot think of a better word than that, even though I feel like it doesn't describe the situation well enough.

From that point on I have stopped trusting people so easily. I haven't been able to form a close relationship with people since then, and I tend to abandon friends when I feel them slipping away or becoming negative. It's a really awful habit that I'm trying to combat at the moment.

I do catch myself slipping in that "habit" of trusting people too easily though. It's strangely contradictory.

I think there's a healthy amount of distrust. I can't encourage people enough not to trust too early. There are people out there that WILL use your insecurities and weaknesses against you, if it profits them in any way. Even if they seem really nice at first.

 

[Lady_V]

Your grandmother might have raised you based on her own trauma as a child.
No one told me to distrust men, even though there were a couple pedophiles in the family already. I learned to distrust men after they started raping me, following me around stores, catcalling me, trying to get me in their cars, and staring at me in weird ways, starting at age 3. If I had a child, I would probably raise them the way your grandmother raised you.

 

[Irisse]

My Grandma did the bulk of bringing me up after my Mum died. She was very loving but also, very protective. Slightly strangely- seeing as the majority of men in our family were honest and kind, she did have a particular distrust of men. Maybe at the time, she had the false perspective that I may grow up to attract men- not at all as it turns out! But, I remember her insinuating how a lot of them are only out for sex. That all of them are potential cheaters.

I suppose from what I've witnessed, she wasn't entirely wrong! Truthfully, I'm glad I got the warnings really. Prudish people get mocked but then, we may not get hurt so easily.

I'm curious though- to know how common that is. Were other women warned about certain men? Have men grown up being warned about certain women? Were you taught that no one could really be trusted maybe? Although, I imagine that could do more harm than good! My friend's Dad once apologised to her that he hadn't warned her that some people can be shit.

Do you think your upbringing prepared you for the world? Did it maybe make you too nervous or untrusting? Or, too naive? Or, was the balance good? Do you wish you'd been warned about certain things and, not others?

Omg I went through the same thing with my grandma! She and I used to watch mexican telenovelas a lot and whenever there was a rape/assault scene she commented that this is what men do and she'd always instruct me on how to defend myself from men (I still don't know how though). She'd also show me magazine articles about men getting a divorce for a younger woman and convince me that all men are like that. And the first instance of that that I can remember was when I was 7 or 8.

However, on the contrary, my parents never prepared me for how cruel people can be. I was raised to basically be a people pleaser and my classmates took advantage of that and did some things that still affect me to this day.

Most of my trust issues come from my classmates, though I'll admit that, sadly, some of my grandma's brainwashing worked and I have a slight fear of men. And I don't hate all men, a rational part of me knows that there are good and bad men just like there are good and bad women.

But it affected me enough that I've never been in a relationship at 25, though maybe it's more due to being busy with studies.