It just happened 30 minutes ago. I have to vent about it.
My teeth are my biggest insecurity. They don't look extremely bad but for sure I should have worn my braces way more often as teenager. I couldn't sleep with them. I came to peace with it eventually. I think if I got fixed braces at that age I probably would have gotten my first psychosis earlier. I simply couldn't sleep with it.
You know my dentist is in my age. And she is really gorgeous. Maybe a 10/10. I think she likes me as a patient. Not sure why. Maybe she is smart enough to notice that I am neurodiverse. I think some women get that very quickly. I could imagine some men give weird compliments or enjoy it when she comes close to them. Always when I am there I want to make it the least awkward. I also don't like when a hairdresser has to touch me. One time my hairdresser was a very obese woman and I really didn't like it when her body touched mine. It was so awkward and this woman actually tried to rip me off afterwards.
Back to my extremely good looking dentist. Last year I found her on a dating app. I gave her a boosted like. I reseted the algorithm multiple times because I didn't get any Likes from anyone. And her profile was shown to me a couple of times. I gave her a normal like every time. Though, nothing came back. And if you know dating apps as a man this should not surprise you too much.
The last times always someone else was controling my teeth. But today it was her again. Honestly, I have the feeling she remembered the dating app episode. It wasn't super awkward. And I think I have handled it well. I think she knows I am probably insecure because of my teeth. But actually I don't think my teeth were the main reason she didn't like my profile. There are many more possible reason. She works and probably earns a lot of money. And on paper I am still in college. Actually, I don't look that bad except for my teeth. A woman like her could get any man she wants. She isn't my league. And my teeth are not the main reason.
I have so many issues in my life. I think I have to look for a woman who might also be really desperate. And not a 10/10 woman who earns extremely much in such a young age. I think I will be able to move on. It is not the end of the World. I will have to see her next week again or maybe someone else will do the filling of my teeth.
This intensified my rumination. I think in general I struggle a lot with rejections. It often feels like a narcissistic injury.
The bigger problem is though that a filling has to be replaced which will cost like 100 euros. There is a filling for free but my parents don't want the lowest quality for my teeth. Actually, I try save money. I cancelled the subscription for a newspaper which will save me roundabout 200 Euros per a year. And that's sort of in vain just because of this dentist appointment.
Always when I think about our money issues I would like to kill myself so badly. Making me stay alive is quite expensive. And actually I never ordered life. And if I could die in my sleep I would go for it immediately. My money issues were solved if I killed myself. And I really like that SN is so cheap. It is quite ironic that such a cheap substance has the potential to solve all my (money) issues.
I think the match between me and my dentist would simply not be realistic. I go through so much in my life. I think a rich person that seemingly achieved a lot in such a short time span lives in a completely different world. She has probably everything and I have close to nothing. Why would someone like that be interested in me. In general when I am dating I have to hide my suicidality and pain a lot. These are quite some red flags.
This is why I mourn more about the contact with the interesting ADHD/autistic single mom, who studied and worked part-time. I really miss her and our emotional bond. I listen a lot to the Song This is what heartbreak feels like recently.
Venting on here really comforts me because on here many of us know real hardship. I am such a broken person.
My teeth are my biggest insecurity. They don't look extremely bad but for sure I should have worn my braces way more often as teenager. I couldn't sleep with them. I came to peace with it eventually. I think if I got fixed braces at that age I probably would have gotten my first psychosis earlier. I simply couldn't sleep with it.
You know my dentist is in my age. And she is really gorgeous. Maybe a 10/10. I think she likes me as a patient. Not sure why. Maybe she is smart enough to notice that I am neurodiverse. I think some women get that very quickly. I could imagine some men give weird compliments or enjoy it when she comes close to them. Always when I am there I want to make it the least awkward. I also don't like when a hairdresser has to touch me. One time my hairdresser was a very obese woman and I really didn't like it when her body touched mine. It was so awkward and this woman actually tried to rip me off afterwards.
Back to my extremely good looking dentist. Last year I found her on a dating app. I gave her a boosted like. I reseted the algorithm multiple times because I didn't get any Likes from anyone. And her profile was shown to me a couple of times. I gave her a normal like every time. Though, nothing came back. And if you know dating apps as a man this should not surprise you too much.
The last times always someone else was controling my teeth. But today it was her again. Honestly, I have the feeling she remembered the dating app episode. It wasn't super awkward. And I think I have handled it well. I think she knows I am probably insecure because of my teeth. But actually I don't think my teeth were the main reason she didn't like my profile. There are many more possible reason. She works and probably earns a lot of money. And on paper I am still in college. Actually, I don't look that bad except for my teeth. A woman like her could get any man she wants. She isn't my league. And my teeth are not the main reason.
I have so many issues in my life. I think I have to look for a woman who might also be really desperate. And not a 10/10 woman who earns extremely much in such a young age. I think I will be able to move on. It is not the end of the World. I will have to see her next week again or maybe someone else will do the filling of my teeth.
This intensified my rumination. I think in general I struggle a lot with rejections. It often feels like a narcissistic injury.
The bigger problem is though that a filling has to be replaced which will cost like 100 euros. There is a filling for free but my parents don't want the lowest quality for my teeth. Actually, I try save money. I cancelled the subscription for a newspaper which will save me roundabout 200 Euros per a year. And that's sort of in vain just because of this dentist appointment.
Always when I think about our money issues I would like to kill myself so badly. Making me stay alive is quite expensive. And actually I never ordered life. And if I could die in my sleep I would go for it immediately. My money issues were solved if I killed myself. And I really like that SN is so cheap. It is quite ironic that such a cheap substance has the potential to solve all my (money) issues.
I think the match between me and my dentist would simply not be realistic. I go through so much in my life. I think a rich person that seemingly achieved a lot in such a short time span lives in a completely different world. She has probably everything and I have close to nothing. Why would someone like that be interested in me. In general when I am dating I have to hide my suicidality and pain a lot. These are quite some red flags.
This is why I mourn more about the contact with the interesting ADHD/autistic single mom, who studied and worked part-time. I really miss her and our emotional bond. I listen a lot to the Song This is what heartbreak feels like recently.
Venting on here really comforts me because on here many of us know real hardship. I am such a broken person.
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