We met by complete chance on a random xbox party four years ago, and we instantly hit it off with each-other. It was amazing, perfect even. We shared a lot of hobbies, tastes in media, etc etc, while being different enough to show each other things we had never seen before. We had 4 years of a perfect friendship, and 2 years of a perfect relationship. Until recently, I guess. She met someone else while looking for a college, and didn't tell me about it. For three months she had her eyes on another guy while leading me on until randomly blocking me on everything in the middle of the night after she finally gathered enough courage to tell him she liked him. I still remember how panicked i was when i woke up to see i was blocked. She forgot about my old phone number, which is what I had to message her on. It wasn't until 8 hours later she messaged me back and explained everything. Eight hours i spent worried sick.
It's been 2 months since then. Nothing could have prepared me for how lonely i feel. I didn't realize how little friends i had before she was gone. i could leave my computer off for weeks and i'd come back to zero messages on any of my apps. I realize now how dependent i was on her. Of course she never had to reconcile with feelings like this. She was always pretty open with how large her friendgroup was, and they weren't shallow friendships either. I only ever had her to talk too, while she had any of her 10 childhood friends at anytime. i still remember how jealous i felt when i saw the pictures she had of them all together at parties and what-not. Things i still have yet to experience. Could that be why she left? She wanted somebody more socialized and charismatic? I'd understand that. Truely, i would. but i wish she was open with that, instead of keeping things from me for so long.
Oh, what am i going to do? the circumstances of which we met were complete happenstance. i could never hope to fulfill them again, finding someone so accepting of all my flaws even less so. She was the first person in my life to tell me that i was loved, that someone was even glad i existed at all. And she discarded me without a thought in the middle of the night, was it all just smoke and mirrors? a relationship just to keep up appearences? "anything is better than being single and lonely?" Could it have been we never had sex due to my asexuality? did she crave that more intimate relationship that i just couldn't provide her?
Oh, well.
I could hypothesize all day long why she left. It won't change her mind. Maybe not knowing is a boon, not a curse. "ignorance is bliss"
But i worry, am i ever going to find someone else that understood all my problems and didn't belittle me for them? Someone who actually tries to get to know me instead of seeing me as that weird quiet freak with acne?
"how strange it is to be anything at all"
It's been 2 months since then. Nothing could have prepared me for how lonely i feel. I didn't realize how little friends i had before she was gone. i could leave my computer off for weeks and i'd come back to zero messages on any of my apps. I realize now how dependent i was on her. Of course she never had to reconcile with feelings like this. She was always pretty open with how large her friendgroup was, and they weren't shallow friendships either. I only ever had her to talk too, while she had any of her 10 childhood friends at anytime. i still remember how jealous i felt when i saw the pictures she had of them all together at parties and what-not. Things i still have yet to experience. Could that be why she left? She wanted somebody more socialized and charismatic? I'd understand that. Truely, i would. but i wish she was open with that, instead of keeping things from me for so long.
Oh, what am i going to do? the circumstances of which we met were complete happenstance. i could never hope to fulfill them again, finding someone so accepting of all my flaws even less so. She was the first person in my life to tell me that i was loved, that someone was even glad i existed at all. And she discarded me without a thought in the middle of the night, was it all just smoke and mirrors? a relationship just to keep up appearences? "anything is better than being single and lonely?" Could it have been we never had sex due to my asexuality? did she crave that more intimate relationship that i just couldn't provide her?
Oh, well.
I could hypothesize all day long why she left. It won't change her mind. Maybe not knowing is a boon, not a curse. "ignorance is bliss"
But i worry, am i ever going to find someone else that understood all my problems and didn't belittle me for them? Someone who actually tries to get to know me instead of seeing me as that weird quiet freak with acne?
"how strange it is to be anything at all"
