Ways to CTB but make it look like a natural death?

[momentomori00]

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

 

[soon4good]

Directly traumatizing someone because they find your body will probably happen no matter the cause of death, somehow pulling off an unsolved disappearance could work?

 

[FnlExitProtocol93]

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

I feel you on this, I take medicine and I don't want to just od (also antidepressant SSRI death is from as I understand, extremely painful, especially mentally)
I've wondered if sending my car off an edge or drowning would be a good option. Or combining them so there's no escape. But then people would immediately list it as a suicide.

 

[momentomori00]

Directly traumatizing someone because they find your body will probably happen no matter the cause of death, somehow pulling off an unsolved disappearance could work?

Ah I doubt it, the police force in my country is quite on top of things when it comes to disappearances.

I feel you on this, I take medicine and I don't want to just od (also antidepressant SSRI death is from as I understand, extremely painful, especially mentally)
I've wondered if sending my car off an edge or drowning would be a good option. Or combining them so there's no escape. But then people would immediately list it as a suicide.

Maybe shallow water drowning? I doubt it would hurt as you black out without the feeling of shortness of breath you get with usual drowning.. I'm not 100% sure though. Sending your car off the edge might be more likely to paralyze than kill you so it's risky

 

[WhyMe123]

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

Honestly, the thing that I have been grappling with is that regardless, your death will be traumatizing to people that love and care about you.

Drowning would be difficult unless you are potentially taking a bunch of sedatives before you go out to the water, which would make you pass out. But even that is risky because somebody might see you drowning and then they might be able to get help in time.

Also, if you do die in the water and there's a rescue team that is sent out to get you, you might traumatize people that see it when they bring you out on the shore.

The accident route is probably the only way for it to seem like - as the name implies - an accident, but that risks traumatizing other people who might see it (besides just those close to you when they find out) - and it's probably very difficult to fake an accident that would indeed allow you to CBT. I can't even think of one..
Maybe a car crash? But that puts other people's lives in danger. 'Accidentally' falling off a bridge/building would probably not look like an accident, and again - traumatizing for anyone that sees.

All the methods that I've been researching on here would be difficult to rule out as 'natural' because when someone dies young, and they don't really have a history of some kind of medical condition that would have them die suddenly - then it is a law for a coroner to order an autopsy - at which point they would be able to find out how you went.

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm just being honest.

I also want to traumatize my family/friends as little as possible, so I was planning OD + potentially CO poisoning in a tent in a park by my place & sending a scheduled email to a friend who would then call the police in the morning.

This way I would not be discovered by my dad - who I live with. Because that would be a nightmare, even though I'm sure finding out from the police would be its own kind of nightmare.

I don't want to do the hanging method because that's probably more scary for whoever discovers the body & I can't do that in a park & risk someone seeing me before the police.

So yeah might be best to just choose a more peaceful way to go rather than trying to make it look 'natural' cuz it won't & people will be horrified regardless.

& also sorry you feel like this.
Sucks wanting to die badly enough to actually plan it…

 

[momentomori00]

Honestly, the thing that I have been grappling with is that regardless, your death will be traumatizing to people that love and care about you.

Drowning would be difficult unless you are potentially taking a bunch of sedatives before you go out to the water, which would make you pass out. But even that is risky because somebody might see you drowning and then they might be able to get help in time.

Also, if you do die in the water and there's a rescue team that is sent out to get you, you might traumatize people that see it when they bring you out on the shore.

The accident route is probably the only way for it to seem like - as the name implies - an accident, but that risks traumatizing other people who might see it (besides just those close to you when they find out) - and it's probably very difficult to fake an accident that would indeed allow you to CBT. I can't even think of one..
Maybe a car crash? But that puts other people's lives in danger. 'Accidentally' falling off a bridge/building would probably not look like an accident, and again - traumatizing for anyone that sees.

All the methods that I've been researching on here would be difficult to rule out as 'natural' because when someone dies young, and they don't really have a history of some kind of medical condition that would have them die suddenly - then it is a law for a coroner to order an autopsy - at which point they would be able to find out how you went.

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm just being honest.

I also want to traumatize my family/friends as little as possible, so I was planning OD + potentially CO poisoning in a tent in a park by my place & sending a scheduled email to a friend who would then call the police in the morning.

This way I would not be discovered by my dad - who I live with. Because that would be a nightmare, even though I'm sure finding out from the police would be its own kind of nightmare.

I don't want to do the hanging method because that's probably more scary for whoever discovers the body & I can't do that in a park & risk someone seeing me before the police.

So yeah might be best to just choose a more peaceful way to go rather than trying to make it look 'natural' cuz it won't & people will be horrified regardless.

& also sorry you feel like this.
Sucks wanting to die badly enough to actually plan it…

Ah It's so conflicting I really don't want to hurt anybody but I can't bear to stay any longer..maybe accidental poisoning? but idk how believable that would be. drowning might be the way to go, i think if it's a large enough body of water it might be believable, but then, like you said, I'd be traumatizing the rescue team. Is there no way for my body to just not be found? it would make it much easier. Your plan also sounds quite thoughtful, might consider that as well. I just don't want people knowing it's s a suicide, would be too much for my family too handle (esp. because theyre quite religious)..
Wish you all the best, it does suck that we feel this way but oh well

 

[WhyMe123]

Ah It's so conflicting I really don't want to hurt anybody but I can't bear to stay any longer..maybe accidental poisoning? but idk how believable that would be. drowning might be the way to go, i think if it's a large enough body of water it might be believable, but then, like you said, I'd be traumatizing the rescue team. Is there no way for my body to just not be found? it would make it much easier. Your plan also sounds quite thoughtful, might consider that as well. I just don't want people knowing it's s a suicide, would be too much for my family too handle (esp. because theyre quite religious)..
Wish you all the best, it does suck that we feel this way but oh well

Accidental poisoning with what?
Yeah, unfortunately the thing about dying is that it's pretty hard and the body is pretty resilient.

Even if you were to probably eat a bunch of medication from your medicine cabinet, you'd likely survive. The dose & type of poison actually allow someone to leave this existence need to be very carefully picked out. But if you did not survive - it would be super highly unlikely that it would seem like an 'accidental poisoning' because of how high the dose needs to be.

Like I said - an autopsy would be required to perform, during which they'd be able to detect high of certain substances in your blood.

Again - it's hard to poison yourself even if you try to just take a bunch of stuff, so that's why there are whole threads on 'non-methods' because many people try to poison themselves or CTB in another way but survive & end up in a worse situation (OR they might survive & be grateful to be alive & life happily ever after)

There are threads on poisoning too if you choose to go that route. If you can't find, I can share the link.

But yeah faking an accident would be tough.

Feel free to share any specific ideas you have if you want an extra perspective.

 

[momentomori00]

Accidental poisoning with what?
Yeah, unfortunately the thing about dying is that it's pretty hard and the body is pretty resilient.

Even if you were to probably eat a bunch of medication from your medicine cabinet, you'd likely survive. The dose & type of poison actually allow someone to leave this existence need to be very carefully picked out. But if you did not survive - it would be super highly unlikely that it would seem like an 'accidental poisoning' because of how high the dose needs to be.

Like I said - an autopsy would be required to perform, during which they'd be able to detect high of certain substances in your blood.

Again - it's hard to poison yourself even if you try to just take a bunch of stuff, so that's why there are whole threads on 'non-methods' because many people try to poison themselves or CTB in another way but survive & end up in a worse situation (OR they might survive & be grateful to be alive & life happily ever after)

There are threads on poisoning too if you choose to go that route. If you can't find, I can share the link.

But yeah faking an accident would be tough.

Feel free to share any specific ideas you have if you want an extra perspective.

Just went through the poisoning threads, there's way too much of a risk tbh and if my body gets found it'll 100% be ruled a suicide. I don't have any specific ideas, I just wish there was a way for me to disappear and my body to turn up like a year later but ik that's extremely unrealistic. I think I'll just stick to shallow water blackout as it's relatively painless + could maaaybe be ruled accidental.

 

[WhyMe123]

Ok good luck!

I was also thinking if there's something like tall hills or canyons closeby, a jump could seem accidental cuz sometimes hikers can get too confident with going on the edge of hills and stuff but that's risky cuz you could survive unless it's like a really really tall cliff - likely head first would be even more probably to cause death.
You said you don't want it extremely painful so idk how this sounds but I think head first would probably end things pretty quickly.

I'd be so scared but I think that could easily seem accidental. Maybe if someone were to go this way, they can also have some drinks beforehand to make it easier.

Also for your body to be discovered later, you'd need to be vague with your whereabouts. Like just saying you're going to go enjoy some nature instead of saying you're going on a hike & where..?
Idk if you live with your family but maybe you'd need to travel a bit & taking the family car for that would be a jerk move in addition to the burden this would cause..
Plus if you have your own car, you could be found pretty soon if it's parked close by. Hmm..

I've heard of the shallow water drowning & yeah idk how reliable it is but could be worth a shot & could indeed seem like an accident.

Ugh I feel bad giving ideas but I know how it is to want to end things so bad & not having a clear way out.

 

[momentomori00]

Ok good luck!

I was also thinking if there's something like tall hills or canyons closeby, a jump could seem accidental cuz sometimes hikers can get too confident with going on the edge of hills and stuff but that's risky cuz you could survive unless it's like a really really tall cliff - likely head first would be even more probably to cause death.
You said you don't want it extremely painful so idk how this sounds but I think head first would probably end things pretty quickly.

I'd be so scared but I think that could easily seem accidental. Maybe if someone were to go this way, they can also have some drinks beforehand to make it easier.

Also for your body to be discovered later, you'd need to be vague with your whereabouts. Like just saying you're going to go enjoy some nature instead of saying you're going on a hike & where..?
Idk if you live with your family but maybe you'd need to travel a bit & taking the family car for that would be a jerk move in addition to the burden this would cause..
Plus if you have your own car, you could be found pretty soon if it's parked close by. Hmm..

I've heard of the shallow water drowning & yeah idk how reliable it is but could be worth a shot & could indeed seem like an accident.

Ugh I feel bad giving ideas but I know how it is to want to end things so bad & not having a clear way out.

Ahh a jump would be terrifying ngl, plus the area i live in is quite urban, so the only tall structure I could jump off would be a skyscraper/building and that would be ruled a suicide straight away. Maybe if I drive out far enough I'd find somewhere, but I'm afraid my survival instincts would kick in and I'd survive but end up crippled.

I'm supposed to be going overseas soon so I'll be really far away from family, making it easier for me to just 'disappear' however I later choose to go on about it.

also also don't feel bad about the whole giving ideas thing, that's the reason why I'm on this forum lol, and it's not at all your burden nor fault. Lmk (if you're not set on the OD + CO method) if you come across any new methods though!

 

[WhyMe123]

Well actually - do you ever camp?
Because (you can google this) - there's been plenty of campers that have died through accidental CO poisoning in their tent when they brought in the charcoal into their tents after it's done burning and they thought it would help warm up the tent a little bit or want to protect it from rain I think…

The coals emit the most about of CO when the burning dies down. That's when you can't see the smoke (which I guess would be CO2).

So yeah if you were to go camping overseas, that could work. Tents could be bought pretty cheap off Facebook marketplace.

The only thing is - you could just end up with a headache & have SI kick in.. Unless you measure & time the burning of the coals well..
Or you could still survive but be dumber cuz of brain damage from reduced oxygen.
The key is to have a low breathability tent as well.
There's plenty of info about all kinds of factors in the CO poisoning forum.
It's also quite peaceful (unlike jumping off a cliff lol).

Nonetheless would be a pretty ideal 'accidental' way to go cuz there's people have died by accident.

 

[slapntickle]

The only way I've ever thought of that fits the bill is basically jumping off a high cliff or something whilst hiking. Whilst people might think it's a suicide, there is lots you can do to throw them off the scent - make plans in advance, buy tickets for holidays, arrange meetings with people, buy stuff online that should be delivered after the date etc etc.

Bonus points if you're not an experienced hiker (which I'm guessing you're not) - that way it looks like you bit off more than you chew. Find the right height and death is like almost totally guaranteed, and the speed of the impact will knock you out.

 

[momentomori00]

Well actually - do you ever camp?
Because (you can google this) - there's been plenty of campers that have died through accidental CO poisoning in their tent when they brought in the charcoal into their tents after it's done burning and they thought it would help warm up the tent a little bit or want to protect it from rain I think…

The coals emit the most about of CO when the burning dies down. That's when you can't see the smoke (which I guess would be CO2).

So yeah if you were to go camping overseas, that could work. Tents could be bought pretty cheap off Facebook marketplace.

The only thing is - you could just end up with a headache & have SI kick in.. Unless you measure & time the burning of the coals well..
Or you could still survive but be dumber cuz of brain damage from reduced oxygen.
The key is to have a low breathability tent as well.
There's plenty of info about all kinds of factors in the CO poisoning forum.
It's also quite peaceful (unlike jumping off a cliff lol).

Nonetheless would be a pretty ideal 'accidental' way to go cuz there's people have died by accident.

oo dude I had no idea that's a really good shout. Brain damage is a huuge fear of mine so idk though. I'll see. I've still got a lot of time before I go overseas so I'll deliberate. I'll look into the CO info here on this forum as well

The only way I've ever thought of that fits the bill is basically jumping off a high cliff or something whilst hiking. Whilst people might think it's a suicide, there is lots you can do to throw them off the scent - make plans in advance, buy tickets for holidays, arrange meetings with people, buy stuff online that should be delivered after the date etc etc.

Bonus points if you're not an experienced hiker (which I'm guessing you're not) - that way it looks like you bit off more than you chew. Find the right height and death is like almost totally guaranteed, and the speed of the impact will knock you out.

yeahh I've thought of jumping but it makes it a lot more likely for SI to kick in I think, so what if I somehow end up surviving?

 

[Passenger4224]

If I wanted my death to look natural I would take the hypothermia route. Pretend I'm going for a hike and didn't bring enough layers of clothes. Around springtime people up north make this mistake and it costs them their lives :/
Edit: Not sure if there are freezing cold places in your country

I could also be one of those hikers that find a trail that is closed for being too dangerous and hike it anyway. Then I would "accidentally" fall off a steep part and try to land on my head.

Death, suicide or not, will traumatize people. But it would def be worse if it was a suicide so I understand the urge to make it look natural.

 

[diealegend24]

Ah It's so conflicting I really don't want to hurt anybody but I can't bear to stay any longer..maybe accidental poisoning? but idk how believable that would be. drowning might be the way to go, i think if it's a large enough body of water it might be believable, but then, like you said, I'd be traumatizing the rescue team. Is there no way for my body to just not be found? it would make it much easier. Your plan also sounds quite thoughtful, might consider that as well. I just don't want people knowing it's s a suicide, would be too much for my family too handle (esp. because theyre quite religious)..
Wish you all the best, it does suck that we feel this way but oh well

I'm exactly the same way. I refuse to go out in a way that doesn't look accidental, natural or to die in a remote location in which no one will ever find me.

I really don't want to traumatize anybody with my death, it feels like a cruel thing to do. I don't have a drug history so any OD would clearly be ruled a suicide, I don't want to go down the 'accident' route because I'd be traumatizing an innocent person, and I'm not sure how to go about this.. Any tips? Would drowning maybe work? I just don't want it to be extremely painful either.

I'm quite sure there is a way but I just don't know it yet. A while back I made the same post.

My family is very religious and my little brother passed away a month ago. They don't need another death let alone a suicide.

However, I must find a way to go out in a way it looks like an accident.

 

[momentomori00]

If I wanted my death to look natural I would take the hypothermia route. Pretend I'm going for a hike and didn't bring enough layers of clothes. Around springtime people up north make this mistake and it costs them their lives :/
Edit: Not sure if there are freezing cold places in your country

I could also be one of those hikers that find a trail that is closed for being too dangerous and hike it anyway. Then I would "accidentally" fall off a steep part and try to land on my head.

Death, suicide or not, will traumatize people. But it would def be worse if it was a suicide so I understand the urge to make it look natural.

Idk wouldn't hypothermia be extremely painful though? What if you get rescued and just end up missing limbs?
The issue is that I really really don't want to hurt anybody, and it sucks that my death would be traumatizing anyway. Even if i choose to just disappear, people would still be traumatized to an extent. I don't want to burden my mom with that but I literally physically cannot keep going the weight is insurmountable. It's a very selfish choice, but I also don't have it in me to keep going... it's such a dilemma

I'm exactly the same way. I refuse to go out in a way that doesn't look accidental, natural or to die in a remote location in which no one will ever find me.

I'm quite sure there is a way but I just don't know it yet. A while back I made the same post.

My family is very religious and my little brother passed away a month ago. They don't need another death let alone a suicide.

However, I must find a way to go out in a way it looks like an accident.

Yeah there has to be a way, I'll keep looking. If you come across something as well please let me know. Ideally I'd just disappear-- that way it can't be found out if the death was a suicide or not in the first place.

 

[hdead]

Idk wouldn't hypothermia be extremely painful though? What if you get rescued and just end up missing limbs?
The issue is that I really really don't want to hurt anybody, and it sucks that my death would be traumatizing anyway. Even if i choose to just disappear, people would still be traumatized to an extent. I don't want to burden my mom with that but I literally physically cannot keep going the weight is insurmountable. It's a very selfish choice, but I also don't have it in me to keep going... it's such a dilemma

Yeah there has to be a way, I'll keep looking. If you come across something as well please let me know. Ideally I'd just disappear-- that way it can't be found out if the death was a suicide or not in the first place.

You'll hurt people by CTB. It is a fact you cannot get around, unless you're a complete hermit. Even then, people on this forum will likely care and feel some time of emotion if you happen to succeed.

As for hypothermia; it will hurt if you're not sedated at all. Depending on temperatures and wind-chills it also may take a very long time and will be accompanied by confusion and hallucinations. It's a gamble. You can get away with higher temperatures if you're patient enough, but it's surely not an easy route to go. If you're committed, however, 'falling' into cold water (0-1celcius) heavily sedated will get you out of this existence well within 30 minutes. Your call! Might look like an accident, but in my opinion you'll also look kinda dumb.

As for your question; I don't think there really is a way to make it truly look like an accident - not without indicting a third party, anyway. I think you should come to terms with your decision to CTB and the effects it will have on the people that care about you. Maybe try talking about your issues and ideas with them first, before you go out and try. Or just write a really nice letter.

I'm still debating my own plans, but if I go I'd put out a note on my front door so that my loved ones do not come in but call emergency services. That way they'll have the choice of not seeing me in whatever state I'll be in after CTB.

I am lucky though, I have talked about this issue with my folks for a bit and they won't admit me to a psych ward. They are, weirdly enough, accepting of my decision should it come that far. It's also because they helped me with ruining my life, so maybe it's part of them consoling with their own fuckups in the process as well. Who knows.

 

[momentomori00]

You'll hurt people by CTB. It is a fact you cannot get around, unless you're a complete hermit. Even then, people on this forum will likely care and feel some time of emotion if you happen to succeed.

As for hypothermia; it will hurt if you're not sedated at all. Depending on temperatures and wind-chills it also may take a very long time and will be accompanied by confusion and hallucinations. It's a gamble. You can get away with higher temperatures if you're patient enough, but it's surely not an easy route to go. If you're committed, however, 'falling' into cold water (0-1celcius) heavily sedated will get you out of this existence well within 30 minutes. Your call! Might look like an accident, but in my opinion you'll also look kinda dumb.

As for your question; I don't think there really is a way to make it truly look like an accident - not without indicting a third party, anyway. I think you should come to terms with your decision to CTB and the effects it will have on the people that care about you. Maybe try talking about your issues and ideas with them first, before you go out and try. Or just write a really nice letter.

I'm still debating my own plans, but if I go I'd put out a note on my front door so that my loved ones do not come in but call emergency services. That way they'll have the choice of not seeing me in whatever state I'll be in after CTB.

I am lucky though, I have talked about this issue with my folks for a bit and they won't admit me to a psych ward. They are, weirdly enough, accepting of my decision should it come that far. It's also because they helped me with ruining my life, so maybe it's part of them consoling with their own fuckups in the process as well. Who knows.

So then when do I know when my pain is bad enough that it 'justifies' the hurt that others would feel due to my death? Or would it always be deemed a selfish act?
Also wouldn't hypothermia hurt quite a bit even if you're sedated unless you're completely passed out? Or would heavy sedation work just fine?

I've spoken to my mum about issues I face, but whenever the mere idea of suicide is brought up she immediately goes on about how 'stupid' it is because 'there's always light at the end of the tunnel', so I doubt if I choose to go through with it that she'll ever understand.

If you don't mind sharing-- why won't your family admit you to a psych ward? It seems odd that they're accepting of the fact that you might CTB but they don't want to get you as much help as possible first (sorry if I'm intruding).

 

[hdead]

So then when do I know when my pain is bad enough that it 'justifies' the hurt that others would feel due to my death? Or would it always be deemed a selfish act?
Also wouldn't hypothermia hurt quite a bit even if you're sedated unless you're completely passed out? Or would heavy sedation work just fine?

I've spoken to my mum about issues I face, but whenever the mere idea of suicide is brought up she immediately goes on about how 'stupid' it is because 'there's always light at the end of the tunnel', so I doubt if I choose to go through with it that she'll ever understand.

If you don't mind sharing-- why won't your family admit you to a psych ward? It seems odd that they're accepting of the fact that you might CTB but they don't want to get you as much help as possible first (sorry if I'm intruding).

When you know, you know. I guess. I don't have the answer to that question for you personally, but I feel in my system that I'll know when I actually want to go through with it. I think it is inherently a selfish act - then again, staying alive and eating is selfish, enjoy yourself is selfish, surviving is inherently selfish. You're doing it for yourself, I hope? I'd strongly advise against CTB to take revenge on somebody or situation. Wouldn't make sense to me.

As for hypothermia. Yeah, it would be uncomfortable. But I can imagine with the right dose of sedatives (opiods, benzos and alcohol) it should be doable. Maybe you'll just be passed out in the entire process. There's many stories of people walking home and just passing out in a ditch. I can hardly imagine they suffered a lot, but there's no real way to know.

I'm sorry to hear about how your mom responds. It sounds like my dad. He says it's a choice. Surely, it is. But he makes it seem like I can just choose to 'feel better' and to just 'see a future' and work on that. It's not that simple when you struggle with MH issues. He also doesn't realise that my childhood caused most of it, and now I've put myself in the stupid decision to move countries with them. I wanted to help them get a nice pension on the countryside, and as I also thought I wanted to live in the countryside I figured I'd join them. Kinda dumb. But, I wasn't really content where I was anyway. Too busy, too much going on and I never really liked city life anyway. I'm now faced with an isolated life in the country. But at least I'll get to create a very nice garden and stoke up a fireplace in the winter days. I'll likely spend my days painting, playing guitar, fixing up little stuffs around the house and watching the stars - until I get fed up. Maybe I'll make it until the day my parents die, but honestly I feel like I'll leave before them.

My family has taken me to the crisis service - but I was in the lucky position that I'd be moving to another country soon (so the healthcare won't be available to me), and I am rather coherent. The reason for me to be preoccupied with CTB is because I sold all my shit on a whim, thinking I'd be able to create my dream-life without tackling underlying issues. I didn't even really know I had underlying issues. When I started moving my stuff my subconscious just started throwing suicide at me non-stop. I've been in it for almost 6 weeks now and I already have a long history of anxiety and depression. Thinking I'd be able to emigrate, learn a new language, and deal with trying to find a new job in a completely unrelated field or building my own business combined with trying to make new friends (hardly had any real friends, anyway, and a long list of ex's which I horribly broke up with - I'm one of those toxic guys who gets angry when he's misunderstood. Learned a lot, but too little too late now).

Having said that, the psych reasoned with me that I'd just need some doses of quetiapine to rest my mind and get to terms with my decision and the suicideal ideation would stop. I visited them twice more after that to get some temazepam and oxazepam, but it only helped to get me to sleep. In the meantime I wrote off everything I could to make sure I was clear on my issue. And I am. My issue is I wasted my life away where I was, and I had no more place. It's too busy for me here, too many distractions, and too many broken and busy people acting like this whole society is just 'normal'. I have an insane negativity-bias that I can't really come back from, all the outside triggers are so much that I spent most of my days inside the gym or inside my house playing guitar and smoking weed, watching youtube (please don't watch too much youtube, it fucks with you in the end).

After this all, nothing really cleared up. So I talked with my parents. Luckily they have friends whose kids were put into wards, and they got out way worse than they were when they got it. I guess that's part of their reasoning not to put me in one. Also, I still kinda just function. I have terrible days and nights, where I scream into my pillow and drown myself in the regret of my decision. But my position is still rather luxurious. I have money to last me for a decade and I have a beautiful house in the middle of nowwhere with a nice plot of land to garden in. Sadly, I came to the conclusion that I can't really live with myself. I can't formulate a future for myself and I just kinda wanna lay back and try to enjoy what's left before CTB. For some reason, my parents seem to accept my decision. It's just a matter of talking logistics. For example; if I were to go FSH - I'd prefer them to not find me. But how do you go about that. I don't want them living in fear every day possibly expecting to find me the day after. On the other hand, I can't visualize myself sitting at the dinner table and telling them bye-bye, tonight is the night. Only to then chicken out and sit at the table to drink coffee explaining my cowardess. So yeah, I'm in a predicament. Right now, I'm still in the height of it all. Max stress, zero certainty and zero confidence. I've been taking benzos for a week and quetiapine for about five. Once the move is over and I'll have some actual work to do I might start to feel better. But I'll have my methods ready, because I cannot see myself integrating in this new country first of all, and second of all I do not really like the foresight of becoming a fully isolated hermit.

Thanks for reading. As you can see; your question is not so intrusive. I'm more than happy to talk about my situation, because to be honest; it's kinda funny how quickly a stoned dude with a resentment towards society can ruin his own life thinking he's doing something good for himself. I hope God with chuckle with me once I decide to pull the trigger.