NSFW am i deviant, should i ctb? tw violent themes

[Alumina]

trigger warning: coarse language, violent themes, human consumption and sexual content. i mean it, you don't want to read that if you have a past regarding those themes





context:
since the age of 7, i have been exposed to pornography, which at some point escalated to deviant content/gore such as rape, woman beating, executions and such. at 12, i already had plans of threatening girls with knife for sexual favours, and couldn't help but mastrubate during class, guess i just had the habit. i also was overall very filthy but that's another story. overall i probably masturbated around 5 times a day, out of habit i guess, or because of boredom. at 15 i changed school, tried to better myself (started taking showers lmao) and had my first gf whom didn't want to have sex, i tried to convice her and force-enable her without success (i didn't rape her, tho). not long after i broke up with her and found another girl which was 13 at the time. she was kind of a pick me and seemed ok with me trying to fuck her anytime i could. i then turned 16 and she broke up with me. at around 17 i got into a really toxic relationship with a girl with whom i'd take shit load of drugs and have a shit load of sex in any way possible, going into very specific fetishes to get want i wanted at the end of the day, jacking off. tho i always had some disgust for vaginas, i can't lie (maybe because the 13yo had some stinky sea-smelling pussy), but always had this wanting about eating human flesh (not of alive people). i never was sexaully attracted to boys tho and the only time i fucked a dude to please my gf i didn't like it, however i often think about masturbating and getting masturbated by males i met, with similar feeling as if they were girls, but i can't watch gay porn. at some point this secret toxic relationship was too much for me and i left her, she was found dead not long after, i loved her (i'd say so) but never got to say goodbye. i tried to get with other girls but couldn't because when i talk to a girl i either only see sex or i'm disgusted, i don't think i'm able to love the personality of girl, however i think i can love the ones of boys but i would only be scared to talk to girls, so i REALLY think i'm not gay but rather heterosexual with sociosexual tendencies. in terms of friendship i never felt like i belonged as i couldn't speak about all those things i know are out of norms, even my closest friend rn with whom i have a lot in commonc leeave me with that feeling of misunderstanding, i tried to hint some of my "deviant" wantings, such as rape and human flesh consumption, be he never seemed to be on the ship. and i feel like it's the law more than my moral compass that ever prevented me from doing anything illegal such as what i mentionned earlier.


in overall, much like probably a lot of people here, i never understood societal norms, about putting things nicely, not saying true things so you don't want to hurt people, maybe it's that base that brought me to deviant shit, i hate our kind more and more with each new day. it's been a year that i feel everthing is fucked, i am in college and i am loosing interest in what i am studying but at the same time i try to gaslight myself into pursuing greatness in what i study. i only feel some kind of happiness when i'm drunk or when smoking, and i am tired of putitng a mask around people, i feel like no one i know would make a great confident for me, and i feel like a pierrot acting as a joyfull harlequin.

could ctb be my only choice in this? i feel a therapist would only be judgemental of me and not really help as i know that what i want is immoral to most but i really don't feel bad for it, the other day the sister of my friend got jumped and i really couldn't stop myself from being aroused from imagining her getting gang raped instead, before she told me nothing sexual happened. i once grabbed her neck "playfully" but since that day i only want to do her and eat her beautiful slim body

if i'm just being dramatic and if you feel the same way i do, tell me :3
edit: i feel more righteous than a lot of people that turn a blind eye to injustice of this world, and are at ease in and contribute to this system that only make the richer richest and the poorest poorer, all while complaining about their lives, saying this or this in unfair because it happens to them but don't want to act upon unfairness when it happens to other, this is why i hate our kind. this and some other things i talked about in other threads. i guess it's ironic or it all roots from me not being cut for our societies

 

[Sedfrg]

This can hardly be considered a valid reason for suicide, unless it somehow prevents you from living your life or has negative consequences for you in the future. I have certain urges that are not related to sexual pleasure, but they do not prevent me from living my life and have not led me to suicide; even after giving in to these urges, I didn't feel anything unpleasant - on the contrary, it actually helped me achieve a certain balance in my inner state, albeit briefly.

 

[adamantc]

trigger warning: coarse language, violent themes, human consumption and sexual content. i mean it, you don't want to read that if you have a past regarding those themes





context:
since the age of 7, i have been exposed to pornography, which at some point escalated to deviant content/gore such as rape, woman beating, executions and such. at 12, i already had plans of threatening girls with knife for sexual favours, and couldn't help but mastrubate during class, guess i just had the habit. i also was overall very filthy but that's another story. overall i probably masturbated around 5 times a day, out of habit i guess, or because of boredom. at 15 i changed school, tried to better myself (started taking showers lmao) and had my first gf whom didn't want to have sex, i tried to convice her and force-enable her without success (i didn't rape her, tho). not long after i broke up with her and found another girl which was 13 at the time. she was kind of a pick me and seemed ok with me trying to fuck her anytime i could. i then turned 16 and she broke up with me. at around 17 i got into a really toxic relationship with a girl with whom i'd take shit load of drugs and have a shit load of sex in any way possible, going into very specific fetishes to get want i wanted at the end of the day, jacking off. tho i always had some disgust for vaginas, i can't lie (maybe because the 13yo had some stinky sea-smelling pussy), but always had this wanting about eating human flesh (not of alive people). i never was sexaully attracted to boys tho and the only time i fucked a dude to please my gf i didn't like it, however i often think about masturbating and getting masturbated by males i met, with similar feeling as if they were girls, but i can't watch gay porn. at some point this secret toxic relationship was too much for me and i left her, she was found dead not long after, i loved her (i'd say so) but never got to say goodbye. i tried to get with other girls but couldn't because when i talk to a girl i either only see sex or i'm disgusted, i don't think i'm able to love the personality of girl, however i think i can love the ones of boys but i would only be scared to talk to girls, so i REALLY think i'm not gay but rather heterosexual with sociosexual tendencies. in terms of friendship i never felt like i belonged as i couldn't speak about all those things i know are out of norms, even my closest friend rn with whom i have a lot in commonc leeave me with that feeling of misunderstanding, i tried to hint some of my "deviant" wantings, such as rape and human flesh consumption, be he never seemed to be on the ship. and i feel like it's the law more than my moral compass that ever prevented me from doing anything illegal such as what i mentionned earlier.


in overall, much like probably a lot of people here, i never understood societal norms, about putting things nicely, not saying true things so you don't want to hurt people, maybe it's that base that brought me to deviant shit, i hate our kind more and more with each new day. it's been a year that i feel everthing is fucked, i am in college and i am loosing interest in what i am studying but at the same time i try to gaslight myself into pursuing greatness in what i study. i only feel some kind of happiness when i'm drunk or when smoking, and i am tired of putitng a mask around people, i feel like no one i know would make a great confident for me, and i feel like a pierrot acting as a joyfull harlequin.

could ctb be my only choice in this? i feel a therapist would only be judgemental of me and not really help as i know that what i want is immoral to most but i really don't feel bad for it, the other day the sister of my friend got jumped and i really couldn't stop myself from being aroused from imagining her getting gang raped instead, before she told me nothing sexual happened. i once grabbed her neck "playfully" but since that day i only want to do her and eat her beautiful slim body

if i'm just being dramatic and if you feel the same way i do, tell me :3
edit: i feel more righteous than a lot of people that turn a blind eye to injustice of this world, and are at ease in and contribute to this system that only make the richer richest and the poorest poorer, all while complaining about their lives, saying this or this in unfair because it happens to them but don't want to act upon unfairness when it happens to other, this is why i hate our kind. this and some other things i talked about in other threads. i guess it's ironic or it all roots from me not being cut for our societies

A comparatively wilder sex life is only natural for some people. I think you should avoid ctb for the reasons mentioned in this article alone. Having unusual paraphilias is more common than you'd expect, and you can still life a normal and outwardly happy and successful life with them, like me. I'd continue studying and try hard: your life is just beginning.

 

[Alumina]

A comparatively wilder sex life is only natural for some people. I think you should avoid ctb for the reasons mentioned in this article alone. Having unusual paraphilias is more common than you'd expect, and you can still life a normal and outwardly happy and successful life with them, like me. I'd continue studying and try hard: your life is just beginning.

would you tell i should get in communities with similar tendencies and seperate thoses behaviors from my current friend group or would concealing those parts of me with a new friend group, while becoming more distant with my current one more fitting? to be fair i don't feel like i belong with my current group and tried to leave it once, but came back only because of loneliness

This can hardly be considered a valid reason for suicide, unless it somehow prevents you from living your life or has negative consequences for you in the future. I have certain urges that are not related to sexual pleasure, but they do not prevent me from living my life and have not led me to suicide; even after giving in to these urges, I didn't feel anything unpleasant - on the contrary, it actually helped me achieve a certain balance in my inner state, albeit briefly.

well i guess i constantly feel marginalised and lonely and should try to change it, i agree things can be done but i must admit i don't know how to handle those feelings i know are immoral for the majority, perhaps shame was put into me by the people surrounding me. although it might only be an addition to other feelings or being unsuccessful/being a loser, i admit i have feeling like that atm with my studies and the fact i do'nt feel very supported/ i feel the people around me are lesser than me (dumber/hypocritical/lazy)

 

[myquest]

could ctb be my only choice in this? i feel a therapist would only be judgemental of me and not really help as i know that what i want is immoral to most but i really don't feel bad for it, the other day the sister of my friend got jumped and i really couldn't stop myself from being aroused from imagining her getting gang raped instead, before she told me nothing sexual happened. i once grabbed her neck "playfully" but since that day i only want to do her and eat her beautiful slim body

I've been committed to the psych ward 3 times in my life and at this point know what will and won't get you sent there. So long as you don't have plans to hurt yourself or others you won't be sent there. As for a therapist it is their job to avoid antagonizing a patient. Doctors aren't meant to hurt the ill and neither are therapists. I think that seeing a therapist and psych could potentially help! :)

I've seen one for a while and it's at the very least nice to talk about your problems if nothing else. I know people whose lives have been changed with the right meds and treatment. It just doesn't work for me really which is why I don't do it. I don't think you're beyond help.

 

[spacefreightergirl]

I've always been into weird shit and I still am, though I never even considered it could be a reason to CTB. I think you shouldn't feel shame for anything that is literally just a thought in your head, no matter what that thought is, and I'd recommend finding people if you can that are into similar things. I did not consider CTB but I did feel a lot of guilt or shame through my life and it got a lot better when I started reading more about human sexuality and freedom, and I found partners that were either into the same things or were at least open minded and curious about my fetishes, so I had a place where I could speak of those things without being scared of judgement.