watched people die and now I don’t want to die?

[starlessnight]

I went onto a site where you could see people die and binge watched suicides and other videos. I knew dying wasn't fun or pretty or anything glamorous, but I still saw beauty in finally being at peace. But after watching all those videos I experienced a sudden change of heart. I just felt disgusted with myself. Dying didn't feel as peaceful anymore. Thinking about my body in that state. If I were found in such a state. It gave me a weird feeling that ultimately changed my mind about my plans to ctb. But then my thoughts eventually go back to normal and I want to ctb again. Sometimes though I think about that and really wonder whether I want to die or not. I don't know if I want to die anymore. I don't know anything anymore.

 

[R♡ADKILL]

ive had a similar experience. watching death isnt easy, it weighs on you even if it is just videos on the internet. i hope you take some time to figure yourself and your feelings out, friend ♡

 

[tinyghost]

theres nothing wrong with not wanting to die or feeling scared or adversed by it. its almost always and unpleasant experience that we are hardwired to be deathly afraid of. it doesnt take away from the pain that made you want to cbt in the first place. personally videos of my specific method made me feel more at peace, but i still get a strike of panic thinking about it now and then.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Well, you have also.managed to peel back the film of romanticism that death is often viewed with here.