Suicidal ramblings. I need to die now

[burninghill]

I don't know what to do with myself anymore, I just mess up over and over. I blamed it all on my teeth but I know it's not that, it's me. I finally have appointments to fix them and I still want to die. I have a boyfriend and I still want to die.

Living feels like carrying an 80lbs sack of bricks everywhere I go. I'm such an asshole. I start dating a guy only a month or two ago and then I plan to kill myself. I shouldn't have done it in the first place but I can't blame myself for loving someone. Even if I'm fine in the moment, imagining my future just makes me sick. It just looks like a desert, just nothing forever and ever.

I've been disassociated again recently too. I feel like I have a controller and I'm being made to direct this character wherever. I don't even want to do it. There is something deeply wrong about me and I can't figure out what it is.

The only thing I want to do that I haven't is have sex. My boyfriend keeps inviting me over to his house (no pressure) and I know that means I'll get a chance to have sex with him. My mum wouldn't let me sleep over his house, but I can lie. I could do that on Sunday and kill myself Monday. Or Thursday. It needs to be in the dark and I forget it isn't winter anymore. Low tide moves back an hour ever day. I know that's bad. To have sex with someone when I know I'm going to kill myself incredibly soon. I really do. I know how bad it is and I promise that no one knows it better than me. Please don't tell me I'm bad because I know.

I'v e always been like this and I need to end it now

 

[thefirstluminary]

You are acting just like asuka being all tsundere hehe
I hope your attempt goes well without any trouble, and may peace find your boyfriend and those who love you. Try to spend as much time as you can with him. He will probably be incredibly sad when you're gone, and it's going to be so hard for him to accept that you've passed


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[inara_9]

Hey, I don't think you're a bad person. I think you sound exhausted, overwhelmed and really deep in your own head right now.
I know you probably can't believe that right now but the fact that you care this much about potentially hurting your boyfriend already shows that you're not the cruel, heartless person you think you are.

People who are struggling mentally for a long time usually can't judge themselves fairly. Have you considered giving therapy a chance? I genuinely think it could help you feel a lot better about yourself

 

[burninghill]

Hey, I don't think you're a bad person. I think you sound exhausted, overwhelmed and really deep in your own head right now.
I know you probably can't believe that right now but the fact that you care this much about potentially hurting your boyfriend already shows that you're not the cruel, heartless person you think you are.

People who are struggling mentally for a long time usually can't judge themselves fairly. Have you considered giving therapy a chance? I genuinely think it could help you feel a lot better about yourself

Thank you, this really has made me feel a lot better. I didn't expect people to really read my post but I'm glad a few people did.

I tried therapy early this year but I didn't get along with the therapist I was assigned. I'm really mentally resistant to seeking help so I am not sure if I'll try again, but maybe with the right person it could work

 

[inara_9]

Thank you, this really has made me feel a lot better. I didn't expect people to really read my post but I'm glad a few people did.

I tried therapy early this year but I didn't get along with the therapist I was assigned. I'm really mentally resistant to seeking help so I am not sure if I'll try again, but maybe with the right person it could work

I'm really glad it helped you feel a little better
I get why you'd be hesitant about therapy after that experience. Not every therapist is a good match but there are definitely ones who are more understanding and actually feel helpful to talk to. If you ever feel up for it again, it might be worth giving it one more try with someone different. Even just as a "let me see if this fits better this time" kind of thing not a big commitment or anything