Venting wasting time.

[elpurp]

i've been actively trying to ctb a lot recently. either i'm doin it wrong or i'm a fuckin coward because i'm still here and i desperately do not want to be. waste of my fuckin time but imma keep trying.

my ex broke no contact with me just to barely talk to me and show no remorse when i told her abt the attempts, just tryna fix me. it's clear as fuck she moved on and i'm sure if she wants a man, she can get one. i, on the other hand, will be dying alone. waste of my fuckin time.

sometimes i wonder who would even stay if i didn't text my friends first. i love them but i think my closest ones are entirely too concerned with actually having lives to check in and care about their single, depressed friend. it feels like every vent is just a waste of their fuckin time.

the people who have no problem finding a partner tell me shit like it's gonna get better, you just gotta be patient and love yourself don't know i've been hearing that all my life and if it ever got better, it immediately got worse because apparently i can only hold love for moments at a time every few years when i get lucky. wasting my fucking time even trying.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I've spent hours and hours reading, both the 5 last acts and megathreads here, before I attempted (and skipped steps, surviving!)...

No idea what the future holds for us and others, my failed attempt somehow drives me to continue existing as long as I can (probably coz the academic fears that drove the attempt have faded away, and I learnt thru experience that my CTB wishes were more of escape wishes)

Dw, u didn't waste my time by posting here.