im a waste

[raikko]

hi, i just want to make a post, but i dont expect to be able to write much

i was recently rejected for an international conference in south korea and it was frankly one of the only things i had left going for me

my "friends" say i can approach them and talk to them whenever i want but they never seek them out and whenever i loosen up around them and start to feel safe again i always feel like they're staying with me out of some convenience

i've hit the CGPA requirement to keep my scholarship but i cant for the life of me focus on my studies at all, i feel like a fraud and a completely bad student because i cant even hold conversations about topics i used to be knowledgeable. it feels like i've completely devolved to a lump of useless mush.

it's golden week now, and i was supposed to go to nara or otsu yesterday and i bought a skirt for 2,000 yen just for it, but i chickened out last minute and slept through the entire day again like a loser. im wasting my time.

all i do is think about how much happier i was as a kid and use the tears i get from that to try and force myself back to sleep because there's genuinely nothing else left for me to do.

i'm thinking of returning one of my friends' gifts, which is a board game we've always meant to play, because it was really expensive and it was just wasted on me

i'vebeen such a. bad friend. none of them deserve me. i should do everyone a favour and literally just kill myself. i'm thinking of going out sometime and buying rope just to keep it around and let myself know what i should be doing. if not by partial hanging, im going to finally do it at the train station. who the hell cares. my mom doesnt talk to me and she has another child on the way so i won't be missed.

ive been in such a bad headspace lately, that in one of my friend groups, we held a competition for whoever was the cutest, and i ended up second place, and that made me crash out and cry. i'll never be cute or attractive, and i'll never find anyone to love. the only people who've shown "interest" in me are people who want me for my body and nothing else.

i really am a waste.

 

[yume_]

I relate to you, I feel we are not the same but similar. I've many opportunities in this life, but the problem for me is how i waste every single one. And for people I feel like I'm wasting their kindness and their time, like they could've spent that time doing something better than talking to me.

Though, let me share a recent a experience. A friend of mine recently just randomly dropped the bomb that our group of friends helped him feel less suicidal. Tbh I never considered something like this coming from him and I also never considered myself helping someone feel better. So I like to think that you can never truly know what the other person is thinking. Maybe your "friends" really appreciate you, maybe they would miss you. You will never know unless you ask them directly or they say it to you. ( Though I guess you can deduce also )

Hope things get better for you ♡

 

[raikko]

I relate to you, I feel we are not the same but similar. I've many opportunities in this life, but the problem for me is how i waste every single one. And for people I feel like I'm wasting their kindness and their time, like they could've spent that time doing something better than talking to me.

Though, let me share a recent a experience. A friend of mine recently just randomly dropped the bomb that our group of friends helped him feel less suicidal. Tbh I never considered something like this coming from him and I also never considered myself helping someone feel better. So I like to think that you can never truly know what the other person is thinking. Maybe your "friends" really appreciate you, maybe they would miss you. You will never know unless you ask them directly or they say it to you. ( Though I guess you can deduce also )

Hope things get better for you ♡

thank you do much for the insight! i could have worded my feelings in my original post better, but i feel like they hate me, so i can't say for sure if this is the case for me

but i still appreciate the anecdote, and thak you!