And things were tolerable at times for a long time I suppose. I had my ups and downs. I made it out mostly normal but I think my days of experimenting in my younger years added to my CPTSD. My severe health issues started progressing fast even though I was living a very clean lifestyle. (An organic apple a day doesn't always keep the doctor away)
I had a very secluded boring life that I actually preferred. BAck to back to back traumatic life circumstances happened and I dealt with it for years then snapped. Things went from uneventful to OMG I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK!!!! So I finally caved to medication. Which I refused for years (hadn't been on prescriptions since I was a teen) was called "non-complaint" I'm like fine, whatever Im desperate I'll try your stupid pills. The medications ended up messing me up more than anything else I had ever tried. I was a shell of myself and CRAZIER. I started acting impulsive and out of character. I was a VERY routine person before. Some shitty people from my past ended up finding out where I lived and I caved because I was so lonely and desperate to feel something. I relapsed about a year and a half ago maybe closer to two, it's been a blur. I was going to try to kill myself with whatever cocktail of drugs I could get. Then I decided no, this isn't right. I flushed various drugs down the toilet and decided I was going to give myself another shot at living, but the medications they kept prescribing were messing me up more and more. I was sleeping for 20 hours at day at first then they stopped working and I haven't slept in a year. Despite being sober for over a year again. I can't believe I fucked up 15 years of sobriety all because the abuse and grief and dwindling financial situation.(my main addiction was alochol I had only dabbled in drugs before) My rent had doubled. The price of eggs and everything went up. I went from being able to scrape by to not being able to even afford the basics. I don't think I would've caved to stupid shit if things had panned out a little differently and kept saying no to the meds, but I was desperate to feel. My IQ is way lower. There's so much wrong with me now. I wish I had kept the opiates at least. Im sure I had enough to kill 8 elephants. I hate myself everyday for tossing it because even if I hadn't relapsed my life was had already gone to shit anyway. I HATE MYSELF. I miss the old me. Shitty grammatical run on rant over. For now. I have nothing. Life most likely will stay pointless until I go. I've been in and out of the hospital with health issues so I just don't want to get sicker. The pain I go through would bring anyone to their kness. I can barely stand on these arthritic knees anyway. I might be gone very soon, I keep telling myself give it one more shot but I'm literally in a living hell.
I guess I wanted to clarify that I'm not a junkie just a fucking moron because I went on some drug tear earlier I've been commenting on everything. Just freaks me out seeing people want to get drugs without knowing anything about them. We all want an opiate death I'm sure but then we would be remembered for that. Fuck it. Who cares. Life is shitty with or without substances. When you go from passively to actively suicidal you take crazy risks. Stay free everyone. As free as you can be.
I'm pretty sure the third leading cause of death is "medication and medical errors" doctors are the biggest drug peddlers. It's all about profit. The healthcare system sucks, especially around here. They just treat you like a number.
I should've broke up the paragraphs to make this readable. I honestly DON'T CARE if anyone hears me anymore anyway. I used to want to be understood now I'm just biding my miserable time. Can't even afford Wi-Fi to put the tv on so I sit listening to a fan all day.
Spent my savings on doordash because I haven't gone anywhere for over a year.
Used to be a phenomenal cook.
It's what I wanted to do but my family told me cooking isn't a real career. Whatever probably would've been blasting lines like mosts cooks do.
I was already agoraphobic now it's way worse.
No one gives a shit about me. Not to any life-changing degree anyway. I've been alone for years.
TLDR don't fuck up your life even more unless you're sure you don't care what happens to you at all.
I had a very secluded boring life that I actually preferred. BAck to back to back traumatic life circumstances happened and I dealt with it for years then snapped. Things went from uneventful to OMG I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK!!!! So I finally caved to medication. Which I refused for years (hadn't been on prescriptions since I was a teen) was called "non-complaint" I'm like fine, whatever Im desperate I'll try your stupid pills. The medications ended up messing me up more than anything else I had ever tried. I was a shell of myself and CRAZIER. I started acting impulsive and out of character. I was a VERY routine person before. Some shitty people from my past ended up finding out where I lived and I caved because I was so lonely and desperate to feel something. I relapsed about a year and a half ago maybe closer to two, it's been a blur. I was going to try to kill myself with whatever cocktail of drugs I could get. Then I decided no, this isn't right. I flushed various drugs down the toilet and decided I was going to give myself another shot at living, but the medications they kept prescribing were messing me up more and more. I was sleeping for 20 hours at day at first then they stopped working and I haven't slept in a year. Despite being sober for over a year again. I can't believe I fucked up 15 years of sobriety all because the abuse and grief and dwindling financial situation.(my main addiction was alochol I had only dabbled in drugs before) My rent had doubled. The price of eggs and everything went up. I went from being able to scrape by to not being able to even afford the basics. I don't think I would've caved to stupid shit if things had panned out a little differently and kept saying no to the meds, but I was desperate to feel. My IQ is way lower. There's so much wrong with me now. I wish I had kept the opiates at least. Im sure I had enough to kill 8 elephants. I hate myself everyday for tossing it because even if I hadn't relapsed my life was had already gone to shit anyway. I HATE MYSELF. I miss the old me. Shitty grammatical run on rant over. For now. I have nothing. Life most likely will stay pointless until I go. I've been in and out of the hospital with health issues so I just don't want to get sicker. The pain I go through would bring anyone to their kness. I can barely stand on these arthritic knees anyway. I might be gone very soon, I keep telling myself give it one more shot but I'm literally in a living hell.
I guess I wanted to clarify that I'm not a junkie just a fucking moron because I went on some drug tear earlier I've been commenting on everything. Just freaks me out seeing people want to get drugs without knowing anything about them. We all want an opiate death I'm sure but then we would be remembered for that. Fuck it. Who cares. Life is shitty with or without substances. When you go from passively to actively suicidal you take crazy risks. Stay free everyone. As free as you can be.
I'm pretty sure the third leading cause of death is "medication and medical errors" doctors are the biggest drug peddlers. It's all about profit. The healthcare system sucks, especially around here. They just treat you like a number.
I should've broke up the paragraphs to make this readable. I honestly DON'T CARE if anyone hears me anymore anyway. I used to want to be understood now I'm just biding my miserable time. Can't even afford Wi-Fi to put the tv on so I sit listening to a fan all day.
Spent my savings on doordash because I haven't gone anywhere for over a year.
Used to be a phenomenal cook.
It's what I wanted to do but my family told me cooking isn't a real career. Whatever probably would've been blasting lines like mosts cooks do.
I was already agoraphobic now it's way worse.
No one gives a shit about me. Not to any life-changing degree anyway. I've been alone for years.
TLDR don't fuck up your life even more unless you're sure you don't care what happens to you at all.
Last edited:
