prettyclam
Member
- Nov 29, 2024
- 77
That's a stupid selfish desire for someone who plans on dying, but the wish persists.
At the same time, I get anxious when somebody approaches me, even when its online. The anxiety probably stems from the fear of them discovering I'm not normal. Like imagine being a mentally healthy individual when suddenly a depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman walks up to you wanting to be friends. Wouldn't you be weirded out?
Its difficult befriending other mentally "ill" people too. Perhaps I'm too far gone. Everybody in my past therapy group became friends while I was the odd one out. That says enough about me, which is sad considering all the interests I have which could potentially attract friends.
I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect
Yet none of those passions are enough to hide the fact that I'm a depressed loser. It's like theres an invisible sign above my head repelling the world away. It's not like I've never made friends either, only superficial ones. I haven't had a real friend since middle school (I'm 19 now). The loneliness is horrible.
Maybe it's for the best. Depressed people don't mix with society. Nobody will voluntarily befriend an unstable burden. They expect heavy vents and pressure, which they'll recieve most of the time, but I try avoiding those unless it's extremely bad.
We got an awful reputation though. I've seen hundreds of videos about people's experiences with toxic depressed folks. The consensus is clear. I don't blame them because many of us unhealthily latch onto connections to feel better. And maybe deep down, that's where this desire to make friends is coming from. I'm just tired of being alone, crying every night because there's nobody to laugh with, nobody to tell small silly things, nobody to listen.
I truly have no one. I don't even count my girlfriend as a connection anymore. We resolved our conflict after my previous posts on here, but I now see how she views depression as an imaginary disease. Learning that basically broke our bond. I'm still acting normal though so no additional problems arise.
I'm aware of the friend making thread on here too. However, posting on there feels embarrassing because it's like I'm begging. As stated earlier, my awkwardness spreads online too. I have an urge to type a certain way, say certain slang, or crack certain jokes to fit in. Also ghosting,dry conversations, and stuff worsen the anxiety lol
If life were different, I'd be making friends at college like 99% of young adults. On the other hand, I'm on here wallowing in my isolation. Existence really doesn't get better for me. My fear of pain is the only reason I'm breathing, otherwise I'd be gone by now
At the same time, I get anxious when somebody approaches me, even when its online. The anxiety probably stems from the fear of them discovering I'm not normal. Like imagine being a mentally healthy individual when suddenly a depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman walks up to you wanting to be friends. Wouldn't you be weirded out?
Its difficult befriending other mentally "ill" people too. Perhaps I'm too far gone. Everybody in my past therapy group became friends while I was the odd one out. That says enough about me, which is sad considering all the interests I have which could potentially attract friends.
I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect
Yet none of those passions are enough to hide the fact that I'm a depressed loser. It's like theres an invisible sign above my head repelling the world away. It's not like I've never made friends either, only superficial ones. I haven't had a real friend since middle school (I'm 19 now). The loneliness is horrible.
Maybe it's for the best. Depressed people don't mix with society. Nobody will voluntarily befriend an unstable burden. They expect heavy vents and pressure, which they'll recieve most of the time, but I try avoiding those unless it's extremely bad.
We got an awful reputation though. I've seen hundreds of videos about people's experiences with toxic depressed folks. The consensus is clear. I don't blame them because many of us unhealthily latch onto connections to feel better. And maybe deep down, that's where this desire to make friends is coming from. I'm just tired of being alone, crying every night because there's nobody to laugh with, nobody to tell small silly things, nobody to listen.
I truly have no one. I don't even count my girlfriend as a connection anymore. We resolved our conflict after my previous posts on here, but I now see how she views depression as an imaginary disease. Learning that basically broke our bond. I'm still acting normal though so no additional problems arise.
I'm aware of the friend making thread on here too. However, posting on there feels embarrassing because it's like I'm begging. As stated earlier, my awkwardness spreads online too. I have an urge to type a certain way, say certain slang, or crack certain jokes to fit in. Also ghosting,dry conversations, and stuff worsen the anxiety lol
If life were different, I'd be making friends at college like 99% of young adults. On the other hand, I'm on here wallowing in my isolation. Existence really doesn't get better for me. My fear of pain is the only reason I'm breathing, otherwise I'd be gone by now
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thank you...I really hope I make at least 1 new friend before I ctb
