dokkare
New Member
- Feb 10, 2026
- 1
basically some background ive been wanting to kill myself for years now and have done self harm to keep myself sane and when it wasnt that it was an eating disorder and when it wasnt that it was drugs. i feel like i dont have any friends that would miss me or care for my for mental wellbeing. i dont have any aspirations in life i have subpar grades and i dont wanna live past 18
but the reason im still here is because of my family. my brothers low functioning autistic so im really an only child (not that he doesnt matter to me but the whole things pratically on my shoulders y'know?) my mother told me that she was suicidal and has wanted to drive off a highway with me and my brother multiple times when she would bring us to work occasionally on my 14th birthday. she was abused by my dad and sexually assaulted when she was young and both her parents are also dead her mom from cancer and her dad from diabetes
for more context my mother and father are an immigrant couple from jamaica who came to Canada so that i would be born here and live a happy life. we used to live in a house and i was a problem child so i would always be in the office and such and such. swapped schools like twice. sooner or later we lost the house due to reasons (i dont really know we just couldnt afford to live there probably) and i moved to a cockroach infested apartment for 3 years i would get bullied in 5th grade and the bullies would be in the grade above me. maybe im delusional but i was friends or atleast friendly with most of them. it was really only one person who would go out there way to make me miserable. sometimes he would ask them to push me and then they would come over and tell me to pretend to fall over. i was even atleast acquainted at the very least with his little brother when he eventually made it to middle school. my parents got divorced mid june 2 years ago after my dad had found out that my mom cheated on him during a trip to jamaica. i lived with my mom for awhile before moving in with my dad. i would then go off of school property with friends to do mostly nothing sometimes we would bring this other kid to smoke but we only did it once or twice and he barely showed up to school anyways. me and my friends would go to stores in a mall close to school and steal things before we went home for about 20 minutes each day one time i had basically got me caught because they did absolute bullshit and when i got mad at them and went home the next day one of them refused to talk to me. so i asked him if he wanted to fight about it and we agreed to do it after school. he didnt show up. next day he wanted to be friends again but i was already mad and beyond being friends again at this point because he had told other people not to talk to me and shit. so he got the same dude that i mentioned before to jump me and record it he chipped one of my teeth and i was in the office for a awhile. i dont know why i did this. but i told the truth about everything we did at the mall to my parents. they were pretty chill about it and only my dad (this was before i moved in with him) decided to beat my ass about it when i went back to school obviously everyone everywhere was talking about it and i got made fun of by a girl i had a somewhat crush on which was as fucked up as it sounds. afterward i became friends with them again because i had no friends. i literally had no one to talk to and it was obviously decided that i would be switching schools when winter break came so it was really just waiting and waiting for it to be all over at the end a girl i sat next to confessed to me on snap that she liked me i didnt know really how to feel about it and i didnt really care because well it was to late to do so anyway. once i swapped schools i hated living with my dad (as one would after learning that he beat your mom and choked her when she was pregnant with YOU) one time i had a panic attack and had gone balistic on the place causing my mom to take me for 2 weeks and one time he had picked up a knife against me and i had took my chance to run out the house upstairs to another floor knock on a random old womans door and ask her to fall the police in hopes my mom would take me back. she did. and was planning to send me to jamaica to a strange college highschool thingy (i didnt really care i just wanted out) but my dad had all my passports and bullshit i would need to leave the country so even though there technically not divorced and i wouldnt need my dads consent my dad still ruined shit anyways after this i just gave the fuck up trying to leave and accepted it and took a school trip to canadas wonderland for my eight grade graduation. as for ninth grade nothing really interesting. im got a 92 in math and a 65 in geography (fuck that teacher istg) and one of my friends from the old school i went to (not the same one that called ngas to jump me but his friend and my mutual friend) saw my at that highschool and i just kinda looked at him for a second and decided it wasnt with the trouble starting allat shit again so i just pretended he aint there and now i see him once every 3 months in the hallway randomly. looking back on it i was a weirdo and maybe i deserved to get bullied for all those years. but its not my fault i wasnt normal like other people. its not my fault i cant talk to people or have anything special with them. its not my fault im not normal. im neurotypical but i still dont feel like i fit in. i just spend my days cycling between 3 friend groups and getting high
but tldr my mother has had a shit life with getting raped. her mom and dad dead her second son autistic her marriage of 15 years failling and living in a fucking trap house and even though my life is pretty fucked up if she went through all those years of abuse. torture. long shifts all while sober. i just feel like it would be for nothing yknow. shes 40 something now so best believe she cant just have another child and the only other option is low functioning autistic. i just feel like... if i took myself out she would too. same with my dad. literally everything they do is for me but im not going to be anyone special and i will never be. but i dont wanna live this life anymore i feel like a ghost. no personality no more relationships not athletic or smart. just a fucking nobody who will die a nobody. just like everybody else
but the reason im still here is because of my family. my brothers low functioning autistic so im really an only child (not that he doesnt matter to me but the whole things pratically on my shoulders y'know?) my mother told me that she was suicidal and has wanted to drive off a highway with me and my brother multiple times when she would bring us to work occasionally on my 14th birthday. she was abused by my dad and sexually assaulted when she was young and both her parents are also dead her mom from cancer and her dad from diabetes
for more context my mother and father are an immigrant couple from jamaica who came to Canada so that i would be born here and live a happy life. we used to live in a house and i was a problem child so i would always be in the office and such and such. swapped schools like twice. sooner or later we lost the house due to reasons (i dont really know we just couldnt afford to live there probably) and i moved to a cockroach infested apartment for 3 years i would get bullied in 5th grade and the bullies would be in the grade above me. maybe im delusional but i was friends or atleast friendly with most of them. it was really only one person who would go out there way to make me miserable. sometimes he would ask them to push me and then they would come over and tell me to pretend to fall over. i was even atleast acquainted at the very least with his little brother when he eventually made it to middle school. my parents got divorced mid june 2 years ago after my dad had found out that my mom cheated on him during a trip to jamaica. i lived with my mom for awhile before moving in with my dad. i would then go off of school property with friends to do mostly nothing sometimes we would bring this other kid to smoke but we only did it once or twice and he barely showed up to school anyways. me and my friends would go to stores in a mall close to school and steal things before we went home for about 20 minutes each day one time i had basically got me caught because they did absolute bullshit and when i got mad at them and went home the next day one of them refused to talk to me. so i asked him if he wanted to fight about it and we agreed to do it after school. he didnt show up. next day he wanted to be friends again but i was already mad and beyond being friends again at this point because he had told other people not to talk to me and shit. so he got the same dude that i mentioned before to jump me and record it he chipped one of my teeth and i was in the office for a awhile. i dont know why i did this. but i told the truth about everything we did at the mall to my parents. they were pretty chill about it and only my dad (this was before i moved in with him) decided to beat my ass about it when i went back to school obviously everyone everywhere was talking about it and i got made fun of by a girl i had a somewhat crush on which was as fucked up as it sounds. afterward i became friends with them again because i had no friends. i literally had no one to talk to and it was obviously decided that i would be switching schools when winter break came so it was really just waiting and waiting for it to be all over at the end a girl i sat next to confessed to me on snap that she liked me i didnt know really how to feel about it and i didnt really care because well it was to late to do so anyway. once i swapped schools i hated living with my dad (as one would after learning that he beat your mom and choked her when she was pregnant with YOU) one time i had a panic attack and had gone balistic on the place causing my mom to take me for 2 weeks and one time he had picked up a knife against me and i had took my chance to run out the house upstairs to another floor knock on a random old womans door and ask her to fall the police in hopes my mom would take me back. she did. and was planning to send me to jamaica to a strange college highschool thingy (i didnt really care i just wanted out) but my dad had all my passports and bullshit i would need to leave the country so even though there technically not divorced and i wouldnt need my dads consent my dad still ruined shit anyways after this i just gave the fuck up trying to leave and accepted it and took a school trip to canadas wonderland for my eight grade graduation. as for ninth grade nothing really interesting. im got a 92 in math and a 65 in geography (fuck that teacher istg) and one of my friends from the old school i went to (not the same one that called ngas to jump me but his friend and my mutual friend) saw my at that highschool and i just kinda looked at him for a second and decided it wasnt with the trouble starting allat shit again so i just pretended he aint there and now i see him once every 3 months in the hallway randomly. looking back on it i was a weirdo and maybe i deserved to get bullied for all those years. but its not my fault i wasnt normal like other people. its not my fault i cant talk to people or have anything special with them. its not my fault im not normal. im neurotypical but i still dont feel like i fit in. i just spend my days cycling between 3 friend groups and getting high
but tldr my mother has had a shit life with getting raped. her mom and dad dead her second son autistic her marriage of 15 years failling and living in a fucking trap house and even though my life is pretty fucked up if she went through all those years of abuse. torture. long shifts all while sober. i just feel like it would be for nothing yknow. shes 40 something now so best believe she cant just have another child and the only other option is low functioning autistic. i just feel like... if i took myself out she would too. same with my dad. literally everything they do is for me but im not going to be anyone special and i will never be. but i dont wanna live this life anymore i feel like a ghost. no personality no more relationships not athletic or smart. just a fucking nobody who will die a nobody. just like everybody else
