hellworldprincess
death come kind. lay no curse on me.
- Jun 29, 2024
- 61
The more I reflect on what made feel feel the way I do, the less I think that there's any way out except for CTB.
Through talking to a therapist who actually makes me start to understand what is wrong with me, I realize that this pain is never going to go away.
I was miserable before, but the subconscious repression of all that stuff WAS the thing keeping me from just giving up completely.
It made me talk myself into thinking 'probably you just have to try different meds until you find the thing that heals you', 'maybe you can simply start caring more about other people's problems, find your purpose in life and not be so focused on yourself all the time', ...
The truth is that I don't want to work through anything in therapy. I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to feel anything.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach. Interacting with the outside usually makes me feel worse.
Even good experiences make me feel bad in the end, because I'm afraid of getting so attached to this world that I can't leave anymore. Maybe that's already the case.
But I also hate the world so much. I hate every part of it.
Everything is progressively getting worse.
My transition alleviated some of the gender disphoria, but in total I don't feel any better about my body than before.
At least my gravestone will have my actual name on it, I guess.
Sleep used to be a way out of my mind for some time, but nowadays I wake up feeling like I had a nightmare I can't recall, SH to calm down and then get more and more intoxicated over the day to find some moment of solace that never arrives.
I'm so tired and anxious simultaneously that I can't do anything. Laying down to rot leaves me alone with my thoughts, so I rather rot while occupying myself with meaningless activities like playing the same shitty video game over and over again.
If the music was still loud enough to drown out what I hear inside of my head, it would be so much easier.
The world has nothing to offer me and there's nothing good I can contribute to it. I hope to get the courage and materials to CTB soon.
I'm sorry to my partner, my mom and my sister for putting them through the torture of seeing a person they love suffer. Had I just killed myself when I was younger, they wouldn't have had to go through 3, 10 and 10 years of worrying respectively.
I wouldn't have disappointed everyone else by being an unreliable, selfish person.
I just wish someone could brutally murder me so I can die in a way that feels right.
Through talking to a therapist who actually makes me start to understand what is wrong with me, I realize that this pain is never going to go away.
I was miserable before, but the subconscious repression of all that stuff WAS the thing keeping me from just giving up completely.
It made me talk myself into thinking 'probably you just have to try different meds until you find the thing that heals you', 'maybe you can simply start caring more about other people's problems, find your purpose in life and not be so focused on yourself all the time', ...
The truth is that I don't want to work through anything in therapy. I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to feel anything.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach. Interacting with the outside usually makes me feel worse.
Even good experiences make me feel bad in the end, because I'm afraid of getting so attached to this world that I can't leave anymore. Maybe that's already the case.
But I also hate the world so much. I hate every part of it.
Everything is progressively getting worse.
My transition alleviated some of the gender disphoria, but in total I don't feel any better about my body than before.
At least my gravestone will have my actual name on it, I guess.
Sleep used to be a way out of my mind for some time, but nowadays I wake up feeling like I had a nightmare I can't recall, SH to calm down and then get more and more intoxicated over the day to find some moment of solace that never arrives.
I'm so tired and anxious simultaneously that I can't do anything. Laying down to rot leaves me alone with my thoughts, so I rather rot while occupying myself with meaningless activities like playing the same shitty video game over and over again.
If the music was still loud enough to drown out what I hear inside of my head, it would be so much easier.
The world has nothing to offer me and there's nothing good I can contribute to it. I hope to get the courage and materials to CTB soon.
I'm sorry to my partner, my mom and my sister for putting them through the torture of seeing a person they love suffer. Had I just killed myself when I was younger, they wouldn't have had to go through 3, 10 and 10 years of worrying respectively.
I wouldn't have disappointed everyone else by being an unreliable, selfish person.
I just wish someone could brutally murder me so I can die in a way that feels right.
