Should've made this one awhile ago instead of spamming posts everytime I wanted to vent here. Here it is now : )
Even though I've become more social recently, I feel like I just grow increasingly ashamed of myself. I spent a long time off here, not because I was doing better but because I started writing to myself only instead... Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I felt like eventually writing here too.
I recently received the news that my family might loose your home and it set me in a panic to die quickly.
It makes me feel terrible to abandone my family & worsen the already shitty situation (in the case of actually loosing our house), but whenever I think about my life changing so drastically I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle it. Not exactly because it is a huge tragedy that we won't be able to live through, but because I'm so mentally weak that I couldn't deal with it. My parents are very confident everything will be okay either way, but I still feel like everything is about to fall apart.
The more I think about living, the more pointless everything feels. I'm only alive to keep my parents sane, but the feeling that they are holding me hostage alive with guilt only makes me resent them. I feel such dread every single day that I feel like I can't take it anymore, yet I'm still here, tortured.
It's a shame I came to life this way
Even though I've become more social recently, I feel like I just grow increasingly ashamed of myself. I spent a long time off here, not because I was doing better but because I started writing to myself only instead... Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I felt like eventually writing here too.
I recently received the news that my family might loose your home and it set me in a panic to die quickly.
It makes me feel terrible to abandone my family & worsen the already shitty situation (in the case of actually loosing our house), but whenever I think about my life changing so drastically I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle it. Not exactly because it is a huge tragedy that we won't be able to live through, but because I'm so mentally weak that I couldn't deal with it. My parents are very confident everything will be okay either way, but I still feel like everything is about to fall apart.
The more I think about living, the more pointless everything feels. I'm only alive to keep my parents sane, but the feeling that they are holding me hostage alive with guilt only makes me resent them. I feel such dread every single day that I feel like I can't take it anymore, yet I'm still here, tortured.
It's a shame I came to life this way
Last edited:
