stilhavinightmares
Warlock
- Oct 13, 2022
- 759
I think I'm going to try to CTB late next week. It's my dog's birthday on Wednesday and I want to be here for that because she is my whole life, and after that I have very small windows of times: Friday morning as I am usually out of the house for 3 hours for intensive outpatient program, Friday evening when my wife works for a few hours out of the house…or Sunday night, or Monday morning. I didn't book a hotel or anything and I'm not sure I will. I've been thinking about just doing it in my car at a park & ride, just lying down in the backseat (I have an SUV). Dumb to ask but what do you guys think?
I have tried everything besides ECT, TMS, or ketamine. My doctor is out of office all next week so he can't get any of those options moving. I have little hope in them anyway.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang on. I tried so much beyond what I thought I could and I'm still suicidal. Part of me just needs to try it even if ultimately it doesn't work. It feels like I have to. Even though if I fail it will ruin my life.
My job protection ends on Friday and I wanted to do it while I'm still employed for life insurance for my family. I applied to extend my leave but there's a chance they could say no and terminate me.
I feel so utterly alone and in despair. I find I can't talk to anyone about any of my symptoms openly besides my individual therapist, and she is out until late next week too. My mind doesn't let me experience life like a human anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I am so tired. I want to feel better but nothing is sustainable at this point and I don't want to try anymore.
Oh, my method is SN. I have weak antiemetics so I'm scared of vomiting it but I have enough for 4 glasses.
The anticipatory guilt of hurting my loved ones is beyond what I can express. I just can't fight anymore. There are no other options for me because I cannot wait any longer. Inpatient at the hospital is pointless for me. Meds don't work obviously.
I am in agony almost the full 24 hours of every day. The only things that make me feel even fleetingly better are sleeping, cannabis, and food. I can't not do anything anymore. I need to take care of myself.
I have tried everything besides ECT, TMS, or ketamine. My doctor is out of office all next week so he can't get any of those options moving. I have little hope in them anyway.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang on. I tried so much beyond what I thought I could and I'm still suicidal. Part of me just needs to try it even if ultimately it doesn't work. It feels like I have to. Even though if I fail it will ruin my life.
My job protection ends on Friday and I wanted to do it while I'm still employed for life insurance for my family. I applied to extend my leave but there's a chance they could say no and terminate me.
I feel so utterly alone and in despair. I find I can't talk to anyone about any of my symptoms openly besides my individual therapist, and she is out until late next week too. My mind doesn't let me experience life like a human anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I am so tired. I want to feel better but nothing is sustainable at this point and I don't want to try anymore.
Oh, my method is SN. I have weak antiemetics so I'm scared of vomiting it but I have enough for 4 glasses.
The anticipatory guilt of hurting my loved ones is beyond what I can express. I just can't fight anymore. There are no other options for me because I cannot wait any longer. Inpatient at the hospital is pointless for me. Meds don't work obviously.
I am in agony almost the full 24 hours of every day. The only things that make me feel even fleetingly better are sleeping, cannabis, and food. I can't not do anything anymore. I need to take care of myself.
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