ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 185
The issue with writing venting posts in the early hours of the morning is that it looks like I'm posting multiple per day. I promise I haven't lost my mind that much (close, but not quite). This time in three weeks it should have all happened, so after that you won't have to read my posts bleating on about my partner any longer!
---
Another day of sleeping until 5pm. Well, not really sleeping, just kind of laying in bed. At night I'm afraid to close my eyes, all I can see is my partner's body. I didn't find him, but I know how and where he did it. It's all I can see. But in the morning I can't bring myself to crawl out of bed, that just means having to be around people and pretend not to be biding my time until death.
I tried to practice partial suspension this evening, but it seems that a regular neck tie won't work. Either that or my slipknot isn't good enough. At one point I wretched, I could feel the tightness... maybe it could work if I fully committed. It's scary though. I'm begging for SN to work.
Last night I dreamt my partner was alive. In the dream it was his sister who had ended her life. Maybe it's cruel to think this, but I wish I were in that world. I would swap her for him in an instant. Instead I'm here, alone, with that same sister banning me from the funeral.
Tomorrow is going to be hard. Very hard. Knowing that somewhere he is being lowered into the ground. A big part of me wants to go through with my protocol tonight, so I don't have to face such an awful day. I've just found that my mum takes propranolol, so I have a source for that if need be. But I know I need to wait until April.
I'm now sat with a photo of myself and my partner. He looks perfect. The world without him is everything but perfect. I can't manage it.
---
Another day of sleeping until 5pm. Well, not really sleeping, just kind of laying in bed. At night I'm afraid to close my eyes, all I can see is my partner's body. I didn't find him, but I know how and where he did it. It's all I can see. But in the morning I can't bring myself to crawl out of bed, that just means having to be around people and pretend not to be biding my time until death.
I tried to practice partial suspension this evening, but it seems that a regular neck tie won't work. Either that or my slipknot isn't good enough. At one point I wretched, I could feel the tightness... maybe it could work if I fully committed. It's scary though. I'm begging for SN to work.
Last night I dreamt my partner was alive. In the dream it was his sister who had ended her life. Maybe it's cruel to think this, but I wish I were in that world. I would swap her for him in an instant. Instead I'm here, alone, with that same sister banning me from the funeral.
Tomorrow is going to be hard. Very hard. Knowing that somewhere he is being lowered into the ground. A big part of me wants to go through with my protocol tonight, so I don't have to face such an awful day. I've just found that my mum takes propranolol, so I have a source for that if need be. But I know I need to wait until April.
I'm now sat with a photo of myself and my partner. He looks perfect. The world without him is everything but perfect. I can't manage it.
