Venting Venting 16/03

[ForeverCaHa]

A much calmer venting post tonight. This exhaustion is making it difficult to continue with the multiple breakdowns a day I was having recently. It also has made me feel resigned to my own death though, so it's swings and roundabouts I guess.

Tonight I rewatched my favourite film of all time: Farewell My Concubine. I forgot just how many suicides were in the film. If we include the real world death of Leslie Cheung, it's one extra. The theme of fate being talked about so much made me think quite a bit about my own fate. Is it destiny that I ended up here? I've struggled with suicidal ideation for the past 15 years or so, so it feels quite cruel for life to give me a loving partner only to take him away in the way I imagined I would bow out. It's like I willed all of this into existence.

The police have arranged for me to go and give a final statement on my partner's death in mid-April. Little do they know that I only accepted that date because it's after my own death. I can't bring myself to talk any more about what happened. I don't want to accept it. My partner's family want the same from me - to go over the details of my final interactions with him. Why can't people just leave me to grieve?

My family will be back from their holiday tomorrow. I'm not particularly looking forward to seeing them. Part of me resents them for going away. If this holiday hadn't been planned, I could've gone through with my protocol this week. Instead I'm now going to have to sit at home on Monday, knowing that he is being buried in some town he never knew, with only three people in attendance.

If I had never met him, maybe he would still be alive. But then, if we had never met, I would have never known such intense love. I can never say that out loud though. Since me threatening to end the relationship is what triggered all of this, people will deny that I ever loved him. If I didn't love him, then why have I steadily worsened without him in my life? I can't believe how much I've fucked things up. I'm ready to leave. Let me be with him again, or let me sleep forever.

 

[plan c]

A much calmer venting post tonight. This exhaustion is making it difficult to continue with the multiple breakdowns a day I was having recently. It also has made me feel resigned to my own death though, so it's swings and roundabouts I guess.

Tonight I rewatched my favourite film of all time: Farewell My Concubine. I forgot just how many suicides were in the film. If we include the real world death of Leslie Cheung, it's one extra. The theme of fate being talked about so much made me think quite a bit about my own fate. Is it destiny that I ended up here? I've struggled with suicidal ideation for the past 15 years or so, so it feels quite cruel for life to give me a loving partner only to take him away in the way I imagined I would bow out. It's like I willed all of this into existence.

The police have arranged for me to go and give a final statement on my partner's death in mid-April. Little do they know that I only accepted that date because it's after my own death. I can't bring myself to talk any more about what happened. I don't want to accept it. My partner's family want the same from me - to go over the details of my final interactions with him. Why can't people just leave me to grieve?

My family will be back from their holiday tomorrow. I'm not particularly looking forward to seeing them. Part of me resents them for going away. If this holiday hadn't been planned, I could've gone through with my protocol this week. Instead I'm now going to have to sit at home on Monday, knowing that he is being buried in some town he never knew, with only three people in attendance.

If I had never met him, maybe he would still be alive. But then, if we had never met, I would have never known such intense love. I can never say that out loud though. Since me threatening to end the relationship is what triggered all of this, people will deny that I ever loved him. If I didn't love him, then why have I steadily worsened without him in my life? I can't believe how much I've fucked things up. I'm ready to leave. Let me be with him again, or let me sleep forever.

I can read your enduring love for your deceased partner. I also see your sorrow and desperation penetrating these words.

The movie u mentioned indeed piqued my curiosity. Suicide is a powerful message of emotions and will. So I dont consider suicide ideations to be too negative. I iterate my ideas on suicide all the time, thinking of every reason and every way I could put an end to my own life. To me there's poetic and dramatic hue in it that I cannot resist, and it serves as a good emotional outlet too. I hope letting it all out helps with your feelings a bit.

I know deep down the scheduled meeting with authority stirs your mind. As far as i'm concerned it's better if an effective communication can be built with the police and your partner's family, to convey your will to not expose your last memories with your passed away partner. You should be allowed to mourn your partner and let out your sorrow, and maybe somewhere in your mind you want to pick up some energy to deliver your message. it always takes time.

It's so good to see you here. I will never forget how intensely you loved. It's a powerful experience of yours and I should ask you not to ever regret that. Your love never decayed with your lover's body, It's lasting love and it lives with you in there: Perhaps it's written in your fate to love to your death, or die for love