NSFW (vent) ocd and sexual thoughts

[deepsweetdiver]

This is mainly my major reason why I will ctb some day. I'm being mentally tortured each second. My brain feels like it gets shredded apart and stuffed messily back into my head each morning. I don't feel like me- I feel like a vessel for disgusting thoughts to pour into once they get filtered out of other's brains.

Ever since I was young I was exposed to nsfw content and having an older brother made it much worse. Many days he'd show me that content or I'd grab his phone to play games only to find tabs of adult sites open. When little me would tell my parents, it was always that he's just a boy.

No. It wasn't. You fuckers of parents knowingly had a daughter that would suffer with obsession and than let your disgusting son act like that.

Why do I suffer like this?! I am a grown woman now, 19, and living on my own, why cannot I not stand to hear any sort of mouth noise? Any loud shutting of a door by a man? Quiet whispering? Vaguely suggestive media? Any sort of self-pleasur, even if its only talked about? My own body? Men in general? WHY? I'm a fucking animation major, and just in the art world nudity and sexuality is a big thing but I can't stand it. Both the female and male body aren't weird by themselves but I can't look at them without feeling disgust and horror of my own body. So many portfolios have I seen of photography just of pictures of boners, and makes me want to puke. The human body which I can't change sends me into a panic. Why do I obsess over the vessel I am forced to live in? Why does it disgust me?!

God is my heavenly father and Jesus heavenly son, but all fathers and sons have made me feel like a gross void. Its always in my head that I WILL be raped, I WILL be groped, I WILL have a child, and it WILL violently die or it WILL be a boy who WILL torment me. I'm so tired, but I can't change my mind.

I am so exhausted from this. The only compulsion that could satisfy it would be to just deprive myself of any sort of entertainment; I will sit in a box all day, doing nothing, but once again the thoughts creeps back up- there's a man who probably fetishizes that, I'm so powerless, and so on and so on and so on-, just remove what disgusts me on my body- breasts and female genitalia-, or just ctb.

I want to cry. I never want to see my body again. I never want to see my brother again.

Let me die already. I live because I see some sort of hope of getting better, but nothing gets better. I just drown in a sea of my disgusting thoughts.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I am so sorry to hear that everyday is such a struggle for you. Seeing those things as a young child is absolutely traumatizing and I hate that your parents invalidated your experiences with adult content when you were young. Of course that is going to negatively carry over into your adult life. Your trauma is valid.

This is obviously extremely detrimental to your daily living. Have you ever sought any counselling or therapy? I feel like speaking to someone about these experiences and how you feel towards your body and sexuality in general could be really beneficial. I don't feel like this type of trauma is something that you could just "get over" without some help and guidance. And I don't feel like this is a struggle that you should have to bear alone. You deserve some peace.

There is absolutely zero shame in reaching out for help, especially in a situation such as this. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that we can help you find some healing.

 

[Ferreter]

Hi, what you experience is pretty common with OCD, in ties into sexual intrusive thoughts as well as religious OCD. I understand how awful this feels, Pure-O OCD, which is what I have, is such a horrible thing to deal with. The mainstay treatment for this is ERP, or Exposure Response Prevention. What you do with ERP is you intentionally trigger your intrusive thoughts, so you think about them or let your brain give them to you, without responding to them in the ways you normally would, reassurance seeking, mental and physical safety behaviors, etc. This is what I was taught to do as someone with OCD regarding sexual intrusive thoughts. This type of therapy is obviously extremely uncomfortable, but the point is that over time, your brain learns that it can deal with this discomfort, and what it once saw as a threat, is no longer seen as a threat. And that sounds weird, like how can this shit ever not be the awful shit I know it as, the thoughts, feelings, images, etc. But it can. your brain can rewire itself, it can learn that it's okay, even if it really doesn't feel like it at first. To me from reading what you wrote here, it sounds like your OCD is a bit of a mix of contamination, religious and sexual OCD. I understand how horrible this disease can and does feel at times, and I am sorry you're going through it, I've had OCD ever since I was about 8/10 years old. It can and does get better, but it waxes and wanes, it goes up and down.

 

[bankai]

Your situation warrants someone to talk to in real life.

 

[divinemistress36]

Emdr therapy could be helpful for you