camelcrushlova
New Member
- Nov 17, 2025
- 4
i don't really know where to begin with this but i guess i'll introduce myself since i think this is my first forum. i almost posted a forum awhile ago maybe like september? october? whenever i was active last. i struggle a lot with bpd , depression , anxiety n ptsd. i have gone to therapy but i stopped and decided to self medicate with geekbars and marjiuana, which probably doesnt help but i like to think it does. i'm 19, ive had attempted numerous times since ive been 10. although i haven't attempted in a good while. i struggle with self harm bad too, since i was in like 5th grade. but like i said its been a good while since ive been so down (sept oct),,, anyways none of that rlly matters . i kinda wanted to come on here and vent about my living situation because i have nobody else. i mean, i have a boyfriend(kinda idfk he's my ex but we're 4 lyf), i have friends, but none of them really know what to say? or understand? me and my boyfriend have pretty similar situations going on but not exactly, and he's not really the comforting type i think. not that i wanna be comforted but i just want some good fucking advice for once. like motivating advice. i live with my gma and my brother n unfortunately my mom. for some quick background my mom got into drugs pretty bad when i was a kid (like 8-10), doesnt help that my dad is a pos creepo that'd beat n cheat on her. so already a pretty fucked start to my life. we battled with cps for a very long time like till i was 14 it was actually over (she had to give up her rights and my gma owned custody of me and my brother). she used to pay me to piss in a bottle for her and use an excuse as "oh my friend smoked some weed and needs it". she always lied, always. she stopped living with us for a long time aswell until i was in my junior year she moved back in because the crack shack she was staying at got condemned. she was clean at one point. she was beautiful too, now she's not even the same person. i feel like my mom died a very long time ago. and i miss her dearly. when she moved back in it got so bad. she would bring drugs to the house (mind u, i grew up in this house so.. kinda offended me.) and id voice my opinion to her like,, yk.. hey mom, i love you please stop doing this. and she'd always turn me down and make me feel bad for even caring. i remember this one time, i was 16 and i went up to her and i told her that i was worried abt her, she was leaving the house a lot and not coming back. and when she did, she was super fucked up. she just yelled at me. said that she doesn't have a problem and that "she was just with her friends". well, me trying to tell her that i love her and that im just worried turned into physical and verbal abuse. i tried. i really fucking tried to love her. she always betrayed me. every single time. she lies all the time. everything she says i can never believe. it breaks my heart, yk? she's started to hoard a lot too. like, my shed is completely full of junk, she's starting to move everything in the basement, i have to toss out a bunch of shit she piles around the house. it's so stressful. i hate it so much. i can't eat, she takes the food i buy even if i have my name on it. i have to order in for myself or my gma and brother and thats a lot of money. doordash isn't cheap. i cant even hide food in my room because she lets herself in. no matter what i do.. i can hit her, i can yell and scream, i can cry, i can beg. i can be nice, i can be mean, nothing changes. she never changes. she doesn't care and that's the worst part of it all. i stopped talking to her. i avoid her at all costs. everytime she tries to talk to me i just tell her im not interested, leave me alone, go away, fuck you, i hate you. i'm saving up to get out of here. but i just can't deal with this anymore. i can't stay with any friends. i have nowhere to go other than here. i hate it so much, i hate coming home to all her junk. i miss when i could clean regularly, i miss when i could bring friends over and sit in my living room playing games. i miss how things were. im so fucking nostalgic all the time, i feel like im always on the edge of tears. i seriously hate myself and my life. i feel so worthless right now. like i can't do anything about this. this just has to be my life right now and i don't want it to be that way. i want things to be fucking normal. i wanna feel normal. i feel like i truly have nobody. i don't know. i wanna get out of here. it's hard to even save when i have to buy every single thing, especially when i only make like 360 a week.. i need someone's advice. idk. idrk what i need.
