WastedBandaid
trapped here
- Sep 11, 2023
- 18
three years ago I went through a depressive episode. at that time period I was romanticising the idea of death, writing about the ways I would end everything, and never thinking about the way it'd affect the people around me. I think I genuinely didn't think much of what would come after death, etc etc. a friend would say that the moment someone tries to ctb and is at the verge of dying, regrets it, bc no one wants to acc die. but I acc wanted it so bad. I thought that it'd be all fun and cool. but I think that I never meant it fr, since I never prepared my ctb method (had a partner at the time that I didn't want to let go off, funny enough he was also one of the ppl that would fuel my wanting to ctb, it wasn't intentional on his part, It was just a very toxic rs)
I got out of that episode, and felt okay-ish for a year. now, I'm back. back to sh, back to wanting to ctb(mostly school pressure and high expectations, I do the IB, it's quite fucking me up). but this time is different, this time I fear death and I fear SI, I fear the regret, I fear to hurt the ppl I'll leave behind, and I don't 100% want to ctb. sometimes life brings joy. I love my current partner, and I wouldn't want to hurt them. but I feel like I need to ctb as a life accomplishment, a goal. it's quite 60% ctb, 40% living in my mind. I'm conflictive, and I'm scared. I don't trust myself either (too impulsive) bc I think that I'd ctb at any moment and maybe never come back. I do NOT want an unsuccessful attempt, since it'd be rather embarrassing to have to worry my fam n allat (waking up in a hospital type of). I feel trapped. my family ties me down, especially my mom (my dad is a mf cheater so yeah), I worry abt her whenever she gets old. I hate all these attachments I have to this world. I wished I could just disappear: no pain, no traces of myself, erase myself from everyone's memory, the same feeling of void as when someone goes to sleep.
either way, my plan is either ctb after summer 2024 (after graduation) or whenever I'm 40 and achieve the stuff I want in life.
I hate having attachments to this world. truly, it feels like I'm doing everything for others. if it was for myself and only myself, I believe it'd be gone. I guess I'm rather scared of the consequences to the ppl I love,
I got out of that episode, and felt okay-ish for a year. now, I'm back. back to sh, back to wanting to ctb(mostly school pressure and high expectations, I do the IB, it's quite fucking me up). but this time is different, this time I fear death and I fear SI, I fear the regret, I fear to hurt the ppl I'll leave behind, and I don't 100% want to ctb. sometimes life brings joy. I love my current partner, and I wouldn't want to hurt them. but I feel like I need to ctb as a life accomplishment, a goal. it's quite 60% ctb, 40% living in my mind. I'm conflictive, and I'm scared. I don't trust myself either (too impulsive) bc I think that I'd ctb at any moment and maybe never come back. I do NOT want an unsuccessful attempt, since it'd be rather embarrassing to have to worry my fam n allat (waking up in a hospital type of). I feel trapped. my family ties me down, especially my mom (my dad is a mf cheater so yeah), I worry abt her whenever she gets old. I hate all these attachments I have to this world. I wished I could just disappear: no pain, no traces of myself, erase myself from everyone's memory, the same feeling of void as when someone goes to sleep.
either way, my plan is either ctb after summer 2024 (after graduation) or whenever I'm 40 and achieve the stuff I want in life.
I hate having attachments to this world. truly, it feels like I'm doing everything for others. if it was for myself and only myself, I believe it'd be gone. I guess I'm rather scared of the consequences to the ppl I love,
