update

[meowzers3276]

idk if anyone cares or kept up with when i was gonna ctb with SN on may 3rd but then got intercepted. Since then i've just been doing a lot of drugs and i got tattoo and piercing. i have bipolar diagnosis but even tho my meds were raised i've just been reckless. i just hope i die i hope i overdose and die or just kill myself slowly. if everyone wants me alive so bad i'll just live it however i please. i still plan to ctb eventually but im busy for a while but i'll update again whenever. so ya guys my life is still worthless and so am i and even more now bc im back on the drugs. fml

 

[wine is fine but]

you life is not worthless, and neither are you

 

[meowzers3276]

you life is not worthless, and neither are you

thank you. thats what everyone tells me and even when i tried to go back to counseling. it just all goes through me, it's like since i was born i was built to despise and harm and torture myself. and since people love me it feels like such a failure to them that i'm built this way...

 

[peacebenow]

Yes, I remember what happened with your delivery and getting sent back and with your parents and family. You're not worthless. Your life is not worthless.

 

[meowzers3276]

Yes, I remember what happened with your delivery and getting sent back and with your parents and family. You're not worthless. Your life is not worthless.

thank you

 

[wine is fine but]

thank you. thats what everyone tells me and even when i tried to go back to counseling. it just all goes through me, it's like since i was born i was built to despise and harm and torture myself. and since people love me it feels like such a failure to them that i'm built this way...

i understand all of that, but you are not worthless - you have suggested that you will not try for a while
hopefully you can use that time to put everything into trying to improve your situation, but more importantly your self esteem and self worth

perhaps stay clean from drugs and just put all of your efforts into planning for the future. take suicide off the table, so that your only option is trying your hardest to make something of your life. you have made it this far so you should be proud of yourself. your situation is not easy, but it is the only one you have, and it would be a tragedy to throw it away without giving life the best effort you can. if that doesn't work, then you still have a get out clause, but if it does work, then you would have found a way to get on top of your demons and enjoy yourself, which means you kicked their butts and won the battle

 

[meowzers3276]

i understand all of that, but you are not worthless - you have suggested that you will not try for a while
hopefully you can use that time to put everything into trying to improve your situation, but more importantly your self esteem and self worth

perhaps stay clean from drugs and just put all of your efforts into planning for the future. take suicide off the table, so that your only option is trying your hardest to make something of your life. you have made it this far so you should be proud of yourself. your situation is not easy, but it is the only one you have, and it would be a tragedy to throw it away without giving life the best effort you can. if that doesn't work, then you still have a get out clause, but if it does work, then you would have found a way to get on top of your demons and enjoy yourself, which means you kicked their butts and won the battle

yeah ive also had this talk with a ton of people doctors and personal people-- i don't have any current passion or interest or motivation for my future and its been like that ever since i entered the adult world pretty much. i mean i had suicide attempts in my youth and tendencies but now that im purely responsible for myself i just dont want to continue to live. like i've had the fun of life but i can't live forever sober but craving drugs, trying to be like evwryone else and be normal, and forcing myself to do good and healthy things, its just not in my nature. everuthing i do naturally, or want to do, is bad for me, like lay in bed because im always tired or get high. i dont do anything but i dont want to do anything, it's so hard to explain to people. but you understand why i feel like i should just die. like, i'm so aware of all the right thinhs to do, and i have resources, but i want to do none of that and just do bull shit and it makes me feel even worsr about myself, it's pathetic... i don't know how to lock in and be a person who exercises and go outside and can have and keep friends and stuff.. all i can do is take my meds and see my therapist on video, which helps a little, so i'm not obviojsly struggling by outside view. but on the inside its all still messed up and idk how to fix it at this point, its beyond return