Unsuccessful suicide attempt

[Baskol1]

When I was a paramedic, you see people survive truly astonishing circumstances. Modern medicine is really good at treating trauma-induced injuries. As long as the brain stem is functional, the view of modern medicine is that there is something worth saving, regardless of quality of life. That's how you end up with people in vegetative states on life support.

I can't wait for euthanasia to become more accessible for people. Not that it compares to what @ningaman151 is going through, but when I woke up in ICU after an overdose, the overwhelming feeling of 'fuck. I survived' is horrible. I feel like in situations like that you should be asked if you'd like to access assisted euthanasia. Now I live with short term memory loss and treatment resistant depression.

My heart goes out to you, @ningaman151

Fortunately this is changing in many countries. But what exactly is the goal keeping them on life support for years? Hoping for a miracle?

 

[Rocksandsand]

Fortunately this is changing in many countries. But what exactly is the goal keeping them on life support for years? Hoping for a miracle?

It's very hard for doctors to 'call it' and let people die. It goes against all their training. I saw a 97 year old woman with a broken hip and a myriad of issues after a stroke getting thrashed in ED. The doctors were pumping this woman with drugs to try and break down the blood clot in her brain and control the hemorrhage. She was tiny in the hospital bed, sedated, with a tube in her throat and getting ventilated. Her brain function was very obviously permanently damaged. The likelihood of her recovering was next to nothing. It was actually an ED nurse who stopped everyone and let her pass away with dignity. It's hard for people in emergency medicine to switch that mentality.

Very very rarely you hear 'miracle' stories of people surviving horrific injuries - usually from genuine accidents with people who want to live. Families often push for every measure to have their loved one live, or even just live for longer. Even if 'live' is just on a respirator and close to brain dead.

 

[Baskol1]

It's very hard for doctors to 'call it' and let people die. It goes against all their training. I saw a 97 year old woman with a broken hip and a myriad of issues after a stroke getting thrashed in ED. The doctors were pumping this woman with drugs to try and break down the blood clot in her brain and control the hemorrhage. She was tiny in the hospital bed, sedated, with a tube in her throat and getting ventilated. Her brain function was very obviously permanently damaged. The likelihood of her recovering was next to nothing. It was actually an ED nurse who stopped everyone and let her pass away with dignity. It's hard for people in emergency medicine to switch that mentality.

Very very rarely you hear 'miracle' stories of people surviving horrific injuries - usually from genuine accidents with people who want to live. Families often push for every measure to have their loved one live, or even just live for longer. Even if 'live' is just on a respirator and close to brain dead.

Pro lifers push of course these rare miracle stories, to proof that recovery is always possible. So we should keep everyone alive as long as possible. And yes it is technically possible to recover even from the worst injuries. But this is extremely unlikely. It would be more likely to win the lottery.

 

[dreamofme]

@Rocksandsand being a medic just wanted to ask what did you OD on if you dont mind sharing, thanks.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@Rocksandsand being a medic just wanted to ask what did you OD on if you dont mind sharing, thanks.

I took 8g of propranolol, around 150mg of codeine, 60mg of valium, 20 of metoclopramide, around 11g of verapamil (a mix of instant release and slow release), and a few sheets of imipramine which I cannot remember the dose of... I paced it so the meto kicked in before I took the rest. My memory is quite bad, but I remember counting out the tablets and making sure they were lethal.

My mistake was sending a message to my partner saying that I love him. It was in the morning and I was typing like I was drunk (and I very rarely drink) so he knew something was up. He called and I answered and I have no memory from that point onwards. Apparently I was crying and telling him I loved him and that I was scared and that I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.

Apparently it took 1 - 2 hours for the ambulance and police to gain access to my apartment, and they found me in a very unconscious state. I was intubated on site and taken to resus at the local hospital and in a coma for a few days.

Overall, my mistake was contacting my partner. I should've just written a note. But I felt so guilty about the timing of the overdose. He had just left for work and then I took the tablets. I hadn't planned to that day, but I woke up that morning and I knew that that was the day. Truth, I am feeling the exact same way now. I just don't want my dog alone with my corpse, and my apartment is disgusting right now

 

[Baskol1]

I took 8g of propranolol, around 150g of codeine, 60mg of valium, 20 of metoclopramide, around 11g of verapamil (a mix of instant release and slow release), and a few sheets of imipramine which I cannot remember the dose of... I paced it so the meto kicked in before I took the rest. My memory is quite bad, but I remember counting out the tablets and making sure they were lethal.

My mistake was sending a message to my partner saying that I love him. It was in the morning and I was typing like I was drunk (and I very rarely drink) so he knew something was up. He called and I answered and I have no memory from that point onwards. Apparently I was crying and telling him I loved him and that I was scared and that I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.

Apparently it took 1 - 2 hours for the ambulance and police to gain access to my apartment, and they found me in a very unconscious state. I was intubated on site and taken to resus at the local hospital and in a coma for a few days.

Overall, my mistake was contacting my partner. I should've just written a note. But I felt so guilty about the timing of the overdose. He had just left for work and then I took the tablets. I hadn't planned to that day, but I woke up that morning and I knew that that was the day. Truth, I am feeling the exact same way now. I just don't want my dog alone with my corpse, and my apartment is disgusting right now

How old is your dog?

 

[DeepSleep]

When I was a paramedic, you see people survive truly astonishing circumstances. Modern medicine is really good at treating trauma-induced injuries. As long as the brain stem is functional, the view of modern medicine is that there is something worth saving, regardless of quality of life.

I woke up in ICU after an overdose, the overwhelming feeling of 'fuck. I survived' is horrible.

How come someone work as paramedic and OD on a sub-lethal dose? I thought you guys get taught some basic pharmacology, toxicology, etc.
And ideally, have access to more restricted substances...

 

[dreamofme]

What a story @Rocksandsand, I used to work EMS in the UK so I was just interested to hear about your experience. I think the crazy thing is how we can seemingly have no control of our minds in terms of calling for help. Tried to OD myself and self rescued a few years back and now I've learnt my lesson , jumping is for me , once you make the decision you are just "along for the ride".

 

[Baskol1]

What a story @Rocksandsand, I used to work EMS in the UK so I was just interested to hear about your experience. I think the crazy thing is how we can seemingly have no control of our minds in terms of calling for help. Tried to OD myself and self rescued a few years back and now I've learnt my lesson , jumping is for me , once you make the decision you are just "along for the ride".

I will jump too. The higher the better. It is unlikely to survive from jumping over 100 meters. But jumping is of course quite scary.

 

[Rocksandsand]

How old is your dog?

He's just over one year old, and is literally the only reason I have been alive since my that attempt which was last August. He is so in tune with me that when I cry he just lays on my stomach and chest until I calm down. I regret getting him because I just want to die and he stops me every bloody day by being amazing

How come someone work as paramedic and OD on a sub-lethal dose? I thought you guys get taught some basic pharmacology, toxicology, etc.
And ideally, have access to more restricted substances...

The dose was definitely not sub-lethal. The problem was that I messaged my partner. I took a mixture of calcium channel and beta blockers, and the meto and delayed response meant that they couldn't use gastric levage to remove the drugs. The pharmacology is stellar. I had to be resuscitated in hospital. That's pretty close to dead in my book.

As for access to more restricted substances - I haven't practiced for years because I am way too depressed to give a shit about working. But the checks and balances on those drugs is so thorough that you couldn't get them out easily. Not in my part of Australia at least.

What a story @Rocksandsand, I used to work EMS in the UK so I was just interested to hear about your experience. I think the crazy thing is how we can seemingly have no control of our minds in terms of calling for help. Tried to OD myself and self rescued a few years back and now I've learnt my lesson , jumping is for me , once you make the decision you are just "along for the ride".

I learnt so much about SI after my OD. I know now that I will need to take a lot of benzos, and either disconnect my phone, or organise delayed emails and SMS so that I don't feel like I need to contact anyone. I'm considering the SN enema now. I feel like my time is coming closer.

It's weird being in emergency services and then becoming one of the jobs.

 

[dreamofme]

I will jump too. The higher the better. It is unlikely to survive from jumping over 100 meters. But jumping is of course quite scary.

Its scary sure but the truth is , it just has to be less scary than the alternative. Thats why people jumped out of the twin towers as the burned to the ground, the thought of staying in the building was more scary than jumping hundreds of meters.

 

[Baskol1]

Its scary sure but the truth is , it just has to be less scary than the alternative. Thats why people jumped out of the twin towers as the burned to the ground, the thought of staying in the building was more scary than jumping hundreds of meters.

Well yes, burning to death is certainly worse.

 

[DeepSleep]

It's weird being in emergency services and then becoming one of the jobs.

Yeah. Have you been to any "attempts" scenes?

 

[Rocksandsand]

Yeah. Have you been to any "attempts" scenes?

I had a few jobs with people calling before they did anything. Some of the paramedics were real cunts about those jobs - there's a special place in hell for people who judge mentally ill people so harshly.

I never attended any intentional ODs. I heard about those jobs though, and they really do fuck with the heads of the people who attend. I attended a lot of jobs where people had died though. And you remember little things. I remember an elderly man and his spoon collection and awards on the walls. And I remember another man who had died on a staircase from his garage, and he had an amazing restored hotrod from the 70s. The strangest bit of these jobs is seeing fragments of people's lives. The books on their shelves, and pictures on the walls. You try so hard to not look at these people as individuals, because otherwise they stick with you.

I recently had to go to the same ED where I was resuscitated for a blood transfusion because I had been blood letting and was in hypovolaemic shock, and one of the nurses came up and told me that they thought I would die in ICU. The staff absolutely remember those jobs and the people they treat. I worry when I read the jumping threads.

 

[Baskol1]

I had a few jobs with people calling before they did anything. Some of the paramedics were real cunts about those jobs - there's a special place in hell for people who judge mentally ill people so harshly.

I never attended any intentional ODs. I heard about those jobs though, and they really do fuck with the heads of the people who attend. I attended a lot of jobs where people had died though. And you remember little things. I remember an elderly man and his spoon collection and awards on the walls. And I remember another man who had died on a staircase from his garage, and he had an amazing restored hotrod from the 70s. The strangest bit of these jobs is seeing fragments of people's lives. The books on their shelves, and pictures on the walls. You try so hard to not look at these people as individuals, because otherwise they stick with you.

I recently had to go to the same ED where I was resuscitated for a blood transfusion because I had been blood letting and was in hypovolaemic shock, and one of the nurses came up and told me that they thought I would die in ICU. The staff absolutely remember those jobs and the people they treat. I worry when I read the jumping threads.

There are very judgmental psychiatrists, or psychologists too. These are the worst kind. Especially if they constantly judge you, and they unfortunately exist. They have the wrong job.

 

[TAW122]

I'm very sorry to hear about that @ningaman151 and yes, the doctors you described are total assholes. I believe that they have a superiority complex, feeling that because the patient (you in this case) is unable to fight back (owing it to the failed attempt) or do much against them that they can get away with kicking you while you are down. At any rate, I hope you are able to recover enough to be able to be physically able again someday.

 

[Rocksandsand]

There are very judgmental psychiatrists, or psychologists too. These are the worst kind. Especially if they constantly judge you, and they unfortunately exist. They have the wrong job.

Don't get me started on psychiatrists and psychiatry. The brain is so complex, and the treatments for so many disorders seems to be the medicinal equivalent of throwing darts at a dartboard and hoping they hit the right medication. Other areas of medicine are getting more and more refined, but psychiatry seems to just be meddling with an organ we barely understand.

Psychologists are an interesting breed. I study psychology and law now and I come to psych with an (un)healthy degree of skepticism. I think a lot of therapy is for the benefit of the people around the client rather than the client themselves. Right now I am seeing a psychologist that insists that my suicidality is just a 'part' of me rather than my actual 'self.' I'm not paying for the sessions so I don't have an invested interest, but it pisses me off when she says that. It's minimising how I feel and it irks me to no end.

@ningaman151 I hope you're okay. You're very quiet

 

[Baskol1]

Don't get me started on psychiatrists and psychiatry. The brain is so complex, and the treatments for so many disorders seems to be the medicinal equivalent of throwing darts at a dartboard and hoping they hit the right medication. Other areas of medicine are getting more and more refined, but psychiatry seems to just be meddling with an organ we barely understand.

Psychologists are an interesting breed. I study psychology and law now and I come to psych with an (un)healthy degree of skepticism. I think a lot of therapy is for the benefit of the people around the client rather than the client themselves. Right now I am seeing a psychologist that insists that my suicidality is just a 'part' of me rather than my actual 'self.' I'm not paying for the sessions so I don't have an invested interest, but it pisses me off when she says that. It's minimising how I feel and it irks me to no end.

@ningaman151 I hope you're okay. You're very quiet

Healthy people dont understand why you want to die when you have chronic pain, and anxiety. The most judgmental people are mostly obvously the most healthy. But there are some people who think they are better because they are suffering even more than you.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Healthy people dont understand why you want to die when you have chronic pain, and anxiety. The most judgmental people are mostly obvously the most healthy. But there are some people who think they are better because they are suffering even more than you.

I haven't ever thought of it like that, but you're right. The best psychologist I ever had was an older man who had a fucked up life and had worked through it himself, so he understood on a different level... the healthy ones are actually dangerous

 

[Baskol1]

I haven't ever thought of it like that, but you're right. The best psychologist I ever had was an older man who had a fucked up life and had worked through it himself, so he understood on a different level... the healthy ones are actually dangerous

There are unfortunately even narcissistic psychologists. Fortunately i can tell if someone is narcissist, so i avoid them like the plague. Because they will shame and blame you for everything.

 

[ningaman151]

Don't get me started on psychiatrists and psychiatry. The brain is so complex, and the treatments for so many disorders seems to be the medicinal equivalent of throwing darts at a dartboard and hoping they hit the right medication. Other areas of medicine are getting more and more refined, but psychiatry seems to just be meddling with an organ we barely understand.

Psychologists are an interesting breed. I study psychology and law now and I come to psych with an (un)healthy degree of skepticism. I think a lot of therapy is for the benefit of the people around the client rather than the client themselves. Right now I am seeing a psychologist that insists that my suicidality is just a 'part' of me rather than my actual 'self.' I'm not paying for the sessions so I don't have an invested interest, but it pisses me off when she says that. It's minimising how I feel and it irks me to no end.

@ningaman151 I hope you're okay. You're very quiet

So true psychology and psychiatry are a joke.

Haha I've been banned for a long time, just was able to appeal a few days ago haha. That's why I haven't been posting. I am back now and hope to post frequently up until I ctb .

 

[Rocksandsand]

So true psychology and psychiatry are a joke.

Haha I've been banned for a long time, just was able to appeal a few days ago haha. That's why I haven't been posting. I am back now and hope to post frequently up until I ctb .

Are you still on the 1:1 constant observations? I have been on them before and they're horrible.

 

[Glitch]

Maybe we could be partners. I'll pm you ☺. Landing on head will probably be unpredictable, as you never know how you'll act during freefall.

Edit: I'm trying to pm you but it's not letting me, please send me a pm if you're interested ☺!

I'm trying but it won't let me!! I've opened my profile up so maybe try again now??
Yeah during the fall I guess you don't have much choice how you body turns... Just do the best swan dive and hope for the best

 

[GinaIsReady]

I recently had to go to the same ED where I was resuscitated for a blood transfusion because I had been blood letting …..

May I ask why you were blood letting?

 

[Letmego. Please]

Hey @ningaman151

Sounds like you did the same thing i did 26yrs ago, also landed on my feet & spent the last 26yrs using wheels to get around, i hope you have found the slight joy of accidentally running over peoples feet who annoy you. And at least the MH service has gone to shit over the last 20 odd yrs as they kept me sectioned for 2yrs & only let me out on constant supervision.

Having said all of the above i seriously feel for you, there is nothing worse (that i have yet to come across) that is worse than trying to pop your clogs only to end up in a state where it becomes harder.

I'm just a little bit further east of you along the coast, know the bridge very well & also spent time in the local not so funny farm in Scum (yes if you know the area you will know where i am but in my defence of the use of the word, i'm not originally from here & learnt it off my ex hubby, sorry no offence intended) Good luck my fellow jumper splatter, (sorry again I've had 26yrs to refine my dodgy humour around this)

Here if you ever wanna chat ((hugs))

 

[ningaman151]

Wow I didn't think my post would get this much attention! Thank you everyone who contributed, much love .

 

[Amz_Falls]

Wow I didn't think my post would get this much attention! Thank you everyone who contributed, much love ❤.

Hey,
I jumped at the start of April 25m onto a motorway and like you am still in hospital almost 5 months on. What are your injuries? How much do you remember? Would be good to chat I've never spoken to anyone who could even comprehend what I'm going through right now and really feel for you being in this situation too.

 

[DeathImminent]

Hey,
I jumped at the start of April 25m onto a motorway and like you am still in hospital almost 5 months on. What are your injuries? How much do you remember? Would be good to chat I've never spoken to anyone who could even comprehend what I'm going through right now and really feel for you being in this situation too.

If i may ask, does the falling feel like as when you fall in dream?

 

[Amz_Falls]

If i may ask, does the falling feel like as when you fall in dream?

Not really to be honest. When I jumped it was like I was somewhere else. I was in the air falling but it just felt like it wasn't real. Then the sound of the wind and the police and paramedics screaming my name snapped me out of it as I hit the tarmac.

 

[Letmego. Please]

No nothing like in a dream, the pavement/tarmac impact is more out of a nightmare I'm afraid, nothing but a bloody painful splat.
And yes if you have never got to the point where that is something you do without thinking, then you will not yet understand how fecked up your brain can get in these moments. 26yrs & i still remember it like it was yesterday, crazy, crazy brain.