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Nine
- Dec 8, 2023
- 193
I've been having a real bad time lately, I've been in so much pain that all I can do when I'm not distracting myself is cry, curse to the heavens and write down my suffering, sometimes I even see my thoughts drift to random stuff in the middle of my sulking as a pitiful attempt of my brain to cease or ignore the pain, but it's all temporary, like how adrenaline will prevent you from feeling a broken bone.
I came to the memory that my suicidal ideation is not new. It only started to genuinely affect me until November 2022, where my chronic illness got so bad and my parents negligence made me feel so much pain that i genuinely wished to die. Still do to this day, I've been trying to push on and keep on living, but I've been hurting so much lately and I've tried to hang myself twice, without anyone really noticing, or caring to ask if I'm okay, not trying to empathize with me, they just coexist with me, take me for granted.
quite a few years ago during one of my worst most powerless times of my life, I lived with my grandparents and the arguments and confrontations were daily, as well as the screams and broken plates and cries of my mother and her parents. It got so bad one time that I ran and hid behind furniture and repeated to myself I wanted to die in whispers, until they overheard me and dragged me out by the arm. I was 10 at the time.
rediscovering that memory makes me feel even more hopeless than I already do, and it makes me want to give in and ctb already. I'm not cared for, I'm used and then thrown away. Always was.
this is a vent, i really wanted to let it out since I came to the realization and wrote it down in my journal, id like some empathy or relatability, but still feel free to share your own experiences regarding the title's question.
I came to the memory that my suicidal ideation is not new. It only started to genuinely affect me until November 2022, where my chronic illness got so bad and my parents negligence made me feel so much pain that i genuinely wished to die. Still do to this day, I've been trying to push on and keep on living, but I've been hurting so much lately and I've tried to hang myself twice, without anyone really noticing, or caring to ask if I'm okay, not trying to empathize with me, they just coexist with me, take me for granted.
quite a few years ago during one of my worst most powerless times of my life, I lived with my grandparents and the arguments and confrontations were daily, as well as the screams and broken plates and cries of my mother and her parents. It got so bad one time that I ran and hid behind furniture and repeated to myself I wanted to die in whispers, until they overheard me and dragged me out by the arm. I was 10 at the time.
rediscovering that memory makes me feel even more hopeless than I already do, and it makes me want to give in and ctb already. I'm not cared for, I'm used and then thrown away. Always was.
this is a vent, i really wanted to let it out since I came to the realization and wrote it down in my journal, id like some empathy or relatability, but still feel free to share your own experiences regarding the title's question.
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