HundredEyes
New Member
- Jan 15, 2024
- 2
Sorry if this is long everyone, I'm pretentious and cringe but that's about the only bit of myself I accept.
Other than that, my entire life is just fucking consumed by fear inflicted on me by my father and the world. They turned me into a shell of a person and hate me for it even though it's their doing.
I got turned into a shrinking terrified loser coward who can't do anything with his life. Can't leave the house. Can't get a job. Can't talk to people. Doesn't want a job, even, because I don't want to participate in this horrible world. I can't be around people who aren't my friends for very long without feeling terrified and sick and enraged by them. I'm 26 years old and I'm still terrified to even be in shops on my own because I'm worried I look like a freak. Pretty much all of this stems from how my sack of shit psycho father treated me (complicitly allowed by my mum) by terrorising me for made up reasons my entire childhood until I guess my brain just imploded on trying to rationally predict when something scary was going to happen and decided that instead we're going to be afraid like this and do this forever, just in case.
The worst bit is it ripped away my actual personality and who I am. I have things I love and am passionate about, mainly music and singing, but every chance I've ever had to do anything with it has been ripped away from me due to fear. This is a cringe thing to say but was a genuine romantic, in both senses of the word (got called gay a lot when I was younger, as you can imagine), I like art and beauty and gentle things but now I just spend my life filled with shrinking terror or violent rage at how I was treated. I have to live in a house with him still. There's no way I can stand up to him meaningfully because he's an old man now and a coward and a victim who would immediately play up how I'm just some nasty psycho victimising an elderly person (it was perfectly okay to physically and emotionally brutalise me when I was a small child though, he's justified in doing that apparently.) So I can't even have my moment of making him feel like how I felt just to claw back some confidence because the coward would call the police on me. I will never get my moment of standing up to the bully and overcoming them to fix the hurt they caused me. So he's won. I'm a wreck of a human being and yet he still resents me for it even though this surely is what he was trying to make me into. I can't even sleep the pain away because the sound of doors banging and footsteps makes me jump awake with my heart in my throat. Still patronizes me, things like claiming that telling me I'm worthless is just trying to encourage me in life. I hate him in ways I can't describe.
I lost myself a while ago and now I'm just various states of agony and rage against this fucking worm while other people got lucky enough to be born into different families and get to go on and have lives and love and be loved and do all the things I only get to read books and listen to songs about. I'm barely a person at this point. I weep for the little boy who was turned into this and who he could have been. I feel like I was raped, but not even in a way anyone will give empathy for because it wasn't physical. What an ugly place the world is where people most needing of some empathy and love and care get twisted into unlovable freaks who don't deserve anything before they can receive it while the perpetrators get to live a full life and will die of old age with all their family (though bar one, don't worry) around them.
Again sorry for the big length. If anyone read this far I appreciate you so much.
Other than that, my entire life is just fucking consumed by fear inflicted on me by my father and the world. They turned me into a shell of a person and hate me for it even though it's their doing.
I got turned into a shrinking terrified loser coward who can't do anything with his life. Can't leave the house. Can't get a job. Can't talk to people. Doesn't want a job, even, because I don't want to participate in this horrible world. I can't be around people who aren't my friends for very long without feeling terrified and sick and enraged by them. I'm 26 years old and I'm still terrified to even be in shops on my own because I'm worried I look like a freak. Pretty much all of this stems from how my sack of shit psycho father treated me (complicitly allowed by my mum) by terrorising me for made up reasons my entire childhood until I guess my brain just imploded on trying to rationally predict when something scary was going to happen and decided that instead we're going to be afraid like this and do this forever, just in case.
The worst bit is it ripped away my actual personality and who I am. I have things I love and am passionate about, mainly music and singing, but every chance I've ever had to do anything with it has been ripped away from me due to fear. This is a cringe thing to say but was a genuine romantic, in both senses of the word (got called gay a lot when I was younger, as you can imagine), I like art and beauty and gentle things but now I just spend my life filled with shrinking terror or violent rage at how I was treated. I have to live in a house with him still. There's no way I can stand up to him meaningfully because he's an old man now and a coward and a victim who would immediately play up how I'm just some nasty psycho victimising an elderly person (it was perfectly okay to physically and emotionally brutalise me when I was a small child though, he's justified in doing that apparently.) So I can't even have my moment of making him feel like how I felt just to claw back some confidence because the coward would call the police on me. I will never get my moment of standing up to the bully and overcoming them to fix the hurt they caused me. So he's won. I'm a wreck of a human being and yet he still resents me for it even though this surely is what he was trying to make me into. I can't even sleep the pain away because the sound of doors banging and footsteps makes me jump awake with my heart in my throat. Still patronizes me, things like claiming that telling me I'm worthless is just trying to encourage me in life. I hate him in ways I can't describe.
I lost myself a while ago and now I'm just various states of agony and rage against this fucking worm while other people got lucky enough to be born into different families and get to go on and have lives and love and be loved and do all the things I only get to read books and listen to songs about. I'm barely a person at this point. I weep for the little boy who was turned into this and who he could have been. I feel like I was raped, but not even in a way anyone will give empathy for because it wasn't physical. What an ugly place the world is where people most needing of some empathy and love and care get twisted into unlovable freaks who don't deserve anything before they can receive it while the perpetrators get to live a full life and will die of old age with all their family (though bar one, don't worry) around them.
Again sorry for the big length. If anyone read this far I appreciate you so much.
