Venting Trying to make it to 30

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I'm trying to fight until 30 years old. At least then I can say that 30 years is not 'a temporary problem'. The only condition was that I had to quite literally fight to save my life. I had to try everything possible to beat my depression and it wasn't like I wasn't trying to fight all my life but I went into overdrive. I've tried antidepressants I've tried getting sober. I'm trying inner child work to deal with the trauma I grew up in. Nothing. Is. Working. I am losing this fight. I can feel the hope drying up with every failed attempt at getting better. I don't have much fight left. I dont even think I have 3 more years of fight left in me. It sucks because I know it means leaving a 8 year relationship with someone who already lost friends to suicide. I don't want to be the reason he follows. I don't want my therapist to feel like she isn't good at her job because after working with someone for 16 years she couldn't save them. She is great at her job and the only reason I got this far. I'm not strong enough for this world. The problem is me, or really my brain. It's too fucked. I can't live sober and I'm killing myself by drinking and cutting. At this point it's how fast do I want to die? Do I drink myself sick every night just to add maybe 10 more years? Is that worth it? I am not going to beat depression. I am no longer delusional in thinking everyone who is depressed can beat it. Sometimes depression is terminal. Now it's just a matter of choosing when it's time to let go.