Fresh Soju
~🍻자살처럼🍶~
- Oct 11, 2020
- 453
Why is it that whenever I get crazy suicidal urges like rn (triggered by hopelessness) I disclose my transgender status to ppl I care about? (Otherwise seemingly stealth)
I guess I hope they end up hating me or worse, but the results can vary ig.
I hate being trans, wish I didn't have to deal with this shit. It's always so stressful, and while stealth-ish is great in some aspects, you end up just being too attached romantically to someone or in other ways, where you trans status can come into play and you either have to keep making up excuses or disclose, and both are just shit to deal with.
Then there's my own feelings about myself, with how shitty I look, lost childhood, and chronic dysphoria I keep experiencing on a daily basis I can do nothing about because I don't have $100K minimum to spend on various surgeries to live a decent NORMAL boring live. Not even expecting a super duper KPOP star look where I look 11/10, just NORMAL, but not even that is achievable, and never will be.
I'll never amount to anything or get the opportunities I wanted. In the past I had various opportunities (and honestly still have many), but they all rely on me being a cis girl, not trans.. So I've either had to decline things or stop myself, or even when I did disclose, my trans status got in the way and I got rejected, so fuck me... It sucks..
Like, I cannot just not be trans.. I wish I could... I've tried many times.. Our male alter did as well, he stopped HRT and stuff, but even that failed eventually when he wasn't fronting again all the time.
Just sucks.. And in this case CTBing is a permanent solution to a permanent problem as this will never be fixed, ever. Easier to cope depending on what we do, but that's the extent of it..
I guess I hope they end up hating me or worse, but the results can vary ig.
I hate being trans, wish I didn't have to deal with this shit. It's always so stressful, and while stealth-ish is great in some aspects, you end up just being too attached romantically to someone or in other ways, where you trans status can come into play and you either have to keep making up excuses or disclose, and both are just shit to deal with.
Then there's my own feelings about myself, with how shitty I look, lost childhood, and chronic dysphoria I keep experiencing on a daily basis I can do nothing about because I don't have $100K minimum to spend on various surgeries to live a decent NORMAL boring live. Not even expecting a super duper KPOP star look where I look 11/10, just NORMAL, but not even that is achievable, and never will be.
I'll never amount to anything or get the opportunities I wanted. In the past I had various opportunities (and honestly still have many), but they all rely on me being a cis girl, not trans.. So I've either had to decline things or stop myself, or even when I did disclose, my trans status got in the way and I got rejected, so fuck me... It sucks..
Like, I cannot just not be trans.. I wish I could... I've tried many times.. Our male alter did as well, he stopped HRT and stuff, but even that failed eventually when he wasn't fronting again all the time.
Just sucks.. And in this case CTBing is a permanent solution to a permanent problem as this will never be fixed, ever. Easier to cope depending on what we do, but that's the extent of it..
