Venting Too painful being alive

[kunikuzushi]

I've really been trying to enjoy what's left of my pathetic life. I've been desperately holding on to the bread crumbs of good feelings life gives me. Then I remember how god fucking painful it is to be alive. My "friend" messaged me something that triggered my cringe-worthy jealousy that makes me want to kill myself right this instant from how physically and emotionally painful it is. I suffer from BPD symptoms and I'm trying to ignore the fact that all my emotions are controlled by this person I'm obsessed with. Well it turns out I can't ignore that gut wrenching pain of my "friend" telling me they're doing what I cry every day for with this person. GOD I WANT TO DIE. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts I don't want to go through another day of this. It hurts. I've been dealing with this pattern in my relationships for more than a decade and I'm so done with this pain. Please please let it end painlessly soon. I need to finalize my method but I'm so unmotivated.

Please if anyone knows how to soothe BPD symptoms, please please let me know. Thank you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. I know it's going to sound harsh but it sounds to me like you need to cut off contact from this person and all that reminds you of them. I've gone through a few bouts of limerance (obsessive crushes on people.) They added up to maybe more than 10 very painful years of my life. I found I kind of HAD to cut ties from each one in order to move on. Otherwise- you're just kind of chaining yourself to a stinging nettle. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't think it's easy to modify your thinking/ feeling around someone you feel obsessed with.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. I know it's going to sound harsh but it sounds to me like you need to cut off contact from this person and all that reminds you of them. I've gone through a few bouts of limerance (obsessive crushes on people.) They added up to maybe more than 10 very painful years of my life. I found I kind of HAD to cut ties from each one in order to move on. Otherwise- you're just kind of chaining yourself to a stinging nettle. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't think it's easy to modify your thinking/ feeling around someone you feel obsessed with.

Thanks but I feel just as bad when I'm not obsessed with someone, and it makes me want to kill myself just as much from the pain of loneliness and a terrible empty feeling. And this terrible feeling results in me finding someone else to obsess over without even trying. It's just inevitable that I'm going to suffer through this cycle unless I work on changing my entire brain.