Well this is a bad morning.
I keep hearing in my head this has to work...this has to work.
How sad and nervous I feel is unexplainable.
I wanna cry but I can't muster a tear.
I'm tired of not sleeping...waking up to scroll my phone...get back to sleep to have weird dreams and then up again.
I haven't been successful as much. I've always been a failure with little wins here and there.
I'm trying to use those little wins as examples to keep me believing that I'm not gonna fuck this up.
But the constant going back and forth and over analyzing every little thing is driving me insane.
I so desperately wish I had a Michelle Carter.
Google her if you don't know the story but most people know.
I'm trying to relax and tell myself it's gonna work out just as I planned.
Everything so far has been falling into place.
I'm hoping this is one of those situations where I think too much and once I do it I'll think why did I wait and worry so much...that was actually easy.
I'm not taking AE's...I'm gonna get an antacid only. My gut is telling me simple is best.
But my mind is telling me Mi Mi you're an idiot and you'll be stuck here in hell.
I at times I feel like I'm being punished.
I don't wanna live anymore and I just want to be done.
Well that sentence brought a little tear.
I just needed to vent.
I wish I could document how not easy this is.
And why assisted death really is important.
All these thoughts and emotions are pure torture.
I hope all this torture pays off with the ultimate reward.
Tired
Mi Mi
I keep hearing in my head this has to work...this has to work.
How sad and nervous I feel is unexplainable.
I wanna cry but I can't muster a tear.
I'm tired of not sleeping...waking up to scroll my phone...get back to sleep to have weird dreams and then up again.
I haven't been successful as much. I've always been a failure with little wins here and there.
I'm trying to use those little wins as examples to keep me believing that I'm not gonna fuck this up.
But the constant going back and forth and over analyzing every little thing is driving me insane.
I so desperately wish I had a Michelle Carter.
Google her if you don't know the story but most people know.
I'm trying to relax and tell myself it's gonna work out just as I planned.
Everything so far has been falling into place.
I'm hoping this is one of those situations where I think too much and once I do it I'll think why did I wait and worry so much...that was actually easy.
I'm not taking AE's...I'm gonna get an antacid only. My gut is telling me simple is best.
But my mind is telling me Mi Mi you're an idiot and you'll be stuck here in hell.
I at times I feel like I'm being punished.
I don't wanna live anymore and I just want to be done.
Well that sentence brought a little tear.
I just needed to vent.
I wish I could document how not easy this is.
And why assisted death really is important.
All these thoughts and emotions are pure torture.
I hope all this torture pays off with the ultimate reward.
Tired
Mi Mi
