Today am at my worst

[badtothebone]

I'm not even sure what I'm doing here! I can only see one solution to end my pain. I love my children but unfortunately living with this pain is just impossible. I have headaches 24/7. It's started to affect me physically. Sadness killed me already. My son took me with him and it's a fact. I'm just an empty thing working to pay house rent. I'm done.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to imagine the pain you're going through. I wish there was something I could say to help but I know there isn't.

 

[badtothebone]

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to imagine the pain you're going through. I wish there was something I could say to help but I know there isn't.

There isn't. Appreciate you're trying tho! I just have no energy I'm tired. I'm about to leave work early today.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering, it sounds really painful what you have to go through. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[badtothebone]

It's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering, it sounds really painful what you have to go through. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you so much @FuneralCry

 

[Forever Sleep]

There isn't. Appreciate you're trying tho! I just have no energy I'm tired. I'm about to leave work early today.

Are your bosses and colleagues being supportive? I hope so.

 

[badtothebone]

Are your bosses and colleagues being supportive? I hope so.

I work as a registered nurse at the hospital and they understand what I'm going through so I do leave when I'm overwhelmed.. I'm just not feeling good today I want to go by my son grave the rest of the day and think

 

[maniac116]

I truly hope you feel better soon & can find peace, whatever choices you make. I can't even imagine losing a child

 

[badtothebone]

I truly hope you feel better soon & can find peace, whatever choices you make. I can't even imagine losing a child

Thank you so much @maniac116
The moment you realise that you're not going to see the person you love the most, it's terrifying. I don't think I can move forward with this pain. Maybe I don't want to. I'm not a selfish person or maybe I am I don't care at this point. I'm not normal anyway. The person I was when my son was alive died too. I know I'm leaving 2 children but my sister love them and now she's taking care of them regardless she get them from school while I'm at work they love her. I feel guilty every time I take a breathI HAVE TO KMS

 

[maniac116]

Ya, People reach a state of apathy at times where we just don't have the energy to care any more. It's part of being human

 

[WhiteRabbit]

If you're this upset about your son CTB, imagine how your kids are going to feel losing you the same way. They might think you loved your other son more than them. Maybe you do.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

[badtothebone]

Ya, People reach a state of apathy at times where we just don't have the energy to care any more. It's part of being human

It's like I'm dead already nothing to give

If you're this upset about your son CTB, imagine how your kids are going to feel losing you the same way. They might think you loved your other son more than them. Maybe you do.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

"Upset" it's not even the word. I feel like I was hit by train and I can't collect my pieces collect me. I lost the person I love the most he was everything to me. I can't see him anymore I can't be with him he's gone. I love my other 2 children and it's not fair but my heart is not the same. What you're saying is totally correct but you're telling someone that have no energy no life in me. I didn't ask for this pain. Nothing matters to me anymore.

 

[fallingtopieces]

you're heart must feel so heavy, hang in there, sending

 

[Tesha]

I'm going to sound harsh now.

You're grieving. You're depressed. You've lost a child to suicide. As a parent myself, I can possibly sympathise with how that would feel - but I still can't fully understand. I do know it would hurt like nothing else.

I don't think you're getting enough support. How you're feeling now, how shit your entire world is, is normal for someone in your situation. It's ok to feel like you do at the moment.

Please get more real life support - you're now feeling like your son probably did, just before he took his life. You keep asking what could you have done differently to support him. Well, with kindness, you need to turn that in on yourself. What more can be done for yourself? You work at a hospital, is there a clinical lead or support team that can help you?

I wouldn't normally be this pushy, but your suicidal ideation is very specific to losing your son. From what I've seen you post, it's not a long term illness or thought process that you've carried with you. It is something that you can get more support and help for.

You will never forget your son - and you shouldn't ever forget him - but you can move on, eventually.

 

[badtothebone]

I'm going to sound harsh now.

You're grieving. You're depressed. You've lost a child to suicide. As a parent myself, I can possibly sympathise with how that would feel - but I still can't fully understand. I do know it would hurt like nothing else.

I don't think you're getting enough support. How you're feeling now, how shit your entire world is, is normal for someone in your situation. It's ok to feel like you do at the moment.

Please get more real life support - you're now feeling like your son probably did, just before he took his life. You keep asking what could you have done differently to support him. Well, with kindness, you need to turn that in on yourself. What more can be done for yourself? You work at a hospital, is there a clinical lead or support team that can help you?

I wouldn't normally be this pushy, but your suicidal ideation is very specific to losing your son. From what I've seen you post, it's not a long term illness or thought process that you've carried with you. It is something that you can get more support and help for.

You will never forget your son - and you shouldn't ever forget him - but you can move on, eventually.

Thank you @Tesha I was happy and normal before. My son death changed every single thing it's a major trauma major pain. Even the way I style my hair is different now, so I don't style. I don't even use face lotion anymore. I don't give a fuck about anything. I know what steps need to be taken and I did. I saw my psychiatrist the other day, he told me how I feel is normal and death wishes is obvious because my son death was out of order I was suppose to die first according to life. I didn't tell him about my suicidal ideations. I attended support group in person and online nothing helped me. I'm trying very hard to stay alive. I was very responsible person but what happened flipped me to someone strange I can't even recognize.

 

[Tesha]

Thank you @Tesha I was happy and normal before. My son death changed every single thing it's a major trauma major pain. Even the way I style my hair is different now, so I don't style. I don't even use face lotion anymore. I don't give a fuck about anything. I know what steps need to be taken and I did. I saw my psychiatrist the other day, he told me how I feel is normal and death wishes is obvious because my son death was out of order I was suppose to die first according to life. I didn't tell him about my suicidal ideations. I attended support group in person and online nothing helped me. I'm trying very hard to stay alive. I was very responsible person but what happened flipped me to someone strange I can't even recognize.

I understand that and I'm not wishing to minimise your experience or pain. I can see how much it has utterly destroyed your core. I'm glad you're tied in with professional support, but it will only help if you're completely honest with them. I know you know that.

My PMs are open to you, if you'd like to talk.

 

[Ol Messier 87]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even fathom what it must be like.
Be strong.

 

[badtothebone]

I understand that and I'm not wishing to minimise your experience or pain. I can see how much it has utterly destroyed your core. I'm glad you're tied in with professional support, but it will only help if you're completely honest with them. I know you know that.

My PMs are open to you, if you'd like to talk.

Thank you so much' appreciate you

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even fathom what it must be like.
Be strong.

Thank you so much @Olek Messier 87

I understand that and I'm not wishing to minimise your experience or pain. I can see how much it has utterly destroyed your core. I'm glad you're tied in with professional support, but it will only help if you're completely honest with them. I know you know that.

My PMs are open to you, if you'd like to talk.

If I tell them I'm suicidal they will send me to inpatient psych and it's not going to help me. We PEC suicidal patient. Inpatient psych is not really helpful unless you're out of control and have psychosis.