I know this question doesn't have a real answer. I understand that I'm off-putting and make people uncomfortable and I really want to be able to help it, but when I think back on anything I've done it was like I didn't have any kind of mental or physical awareness in the slightest. I don't feel like I have the agency to be different and I don't know if I'm just making excuses for myself. Even other autistic people would find me strange. Having several other mental illnesses and being a visible minority obviously doesn't help. I just hate myself so much. I can't fucking stand myself.
I spend a lot of time in online autism spaces.
I'm convinced that a core effect of autism itself is feeling strange and, to a degree, disconnected from those around you, even if those folk are also autistic.
That and autism is such a broad spectrum with such a vast presentation that we can be very different from one another. There are plenty of people who are the same "type" of autistic as I am ("mild Asperger's") who have a vastly different lived experience and outlook on life than I do.
I do say that being "strange" and "weird" isn't inherently "bad". Although I have very low support needs and have a job, my co-workers do see me as "quirky", "reserved", "odd"...and they find that endearing (I believe the term the kids use these days is "adorkable").
But yes, the mental health conditions aren't helping your feelings towards that strangeness, and I strongly relate to the self-loathing (ie "If I'm allegedly so 'smart' then why am I so shitty at the base mechanics of being a person??)
