I'm F29 and suicide has been on my mind when I was 12. I had developmental challenges and behavioral problems and was evaluated for high functioning autism (Asperger Syndrome) and had to get speech therapy for my speech impediment. I would compare myself to other kids who had it easier than me. I was envious/jealous, and wanted to have someone else's life.
I disliked my life being the oldest sibling and having annoying younger siblings and I also have an nonverbal autistic brother. I have to set an example and be the first one to make the most mistakes/blunders. I envied people who had older siblings, were only children, or twins, anything to not be the oldest. I wanted to be an aunt and have nieces/nephews.
I wanted to kill for all the wrong choices I made. I went behind people's backs, stolen, cheated in school, lied, and embarrassed myself. I gotten laughed at for my big blunders. I've embarrassed myself online. Then I got fired for my temper tantrums and tardiness. I'm struggling to find a job like many people are now. I can't undo the bad choices I've done and there are people that dislike me and won't forgive me.
There are scary moments I'm claustrophic and gotten stuck in elevators and recently stuck at a bottle return center. I had a panic attack of people getting stuck on a roller coaster for over 4 hours on the news. Loud noises scare me. I don't know if I want to live. I've been planning on ctb soon.
I disliked my life being the oldest sibling and having annoying younger siblings and I also have an nonverbal autistic brother. I have to set an example and be the first one to make the most mistakes/blunders. I envied people who had older siblings, were only children, or twins, anything to not be the oldest. I wanted to be an aunt and have nieces/nephews.
I wanted to kill for all the wrong choices I made. I went behind people's backs, stolen, cheated in school, lied, and embarrassed myself. I gotten laughed at for my big blunders. I've embarrassed myself online. Then I got fired for my temper tantrums and tardiness. I'm struggling to find a job like many people are now. I can't undo the bad choices I've done and there are people that dislike me and won't forgive me.
There are scary moments I'm claustrophic and gotten stuck in elevators and recently stuck at a bottle return center. I had a panic attack of people getting stuck on a roller coaster for over 4 hours on the news. Loud noises scare me. I don't know if I want to live. I've been planning on ctb soon.
