to the members who are 40+ I have a question

[glitterypearls]

have you always been suicidal? or did something happen recently? if you always been suicidal.. what helped/made you stay alive all of those years? family? fear or the lack of method?

I'm curious about you guys POV.

 

[msocks]

I'm 41 and I've had suicidal ideation since I was 13. I assumed it was regular teenage ANGST but uuuh nopeI didn't get officially diagnosed with bipolar 2 until 16 years ago but I had thought for a long time that's probably what I am. I've had really bad lows for the past year. It was really bad the past 2 weeks hence lurking and registering here.

I can usually talk about milder highs and lows with family and friends. But you mention suicide and let the freaking out begin. I usually have more of the passive ideation. It's always there like background noise when I'm depressed. When things are bad bad, I tell myself to hang on for my family. I've always assumed that if I lost my family or I became disabled to a point where I couldn't care for myself that I'd peace out.

I didn't want to call a crisis line because I'm scared of being hospitalized. So I signed up here and it's helped to read and post with others that can understand. I see my therapist in 2 weeks so I think I'll be relatively okay til then.

But yeah it's mostly family and friends that keep me going. I live with just my mom and I worry about leaving her alone. My dad died 5 years ago. We support each other. I could probably open up to her but I worry about worrying her.

Fear of failing is another factor too. There's serious consequences to failing and I want none of that. Plus I'm already irrationally embarrassed about other stuff, can't imagine how I'd feel then.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm 43 and I've had ideation to varying degrees since I was 10.

The major reason I became suicidal was growing up with what I strongly suspect was/is a narcissist. In order to cope- I used to lose myself in art- and that has been my main crutch throughout all of my life. Sadly now though- even that is losing it's appeal.

Trouble is- I think as soon as you accept suicide as a viable solution- it is always there as a solution.

The main reason I'm still here though is because I've hung on for other people. Many of them have died now but my Dad remains and I don't feel like I can do it to him. Plus of course- fear. Fear of pain and an attempt failing.

I think I've considered so many methods throughout my life but I'm quite a cautious person. I always wanted to feel confident that an attempt would succeed- so, that has (probably fortunately) held me back too. (Seeing as many of my ideas likely would have failed- paracetamol OD/ slashing wrists etc.)

How about you?

 

[Siderly]

I'm over 50, had mental illness and suicide attempts through my teenage years. Life has been hard but I found a career I loved. My parents are both dead now but I cannot leave as my adult son needs me around. All of my close family had terrible health and died long painful deaths. I just want to be prepared and avoid that happening to me.

 

[NambaSutra]

I'm 48 and have thought about suicide for a long time, not sure how long I don't think I was as an actual child but certainly my mental health became bad as a teen or young adult and has gotten worse and worse with age. I now have problems that I can't even find a word/diagnosis for.

 

[Source Energy]

43. Suicidal on and off since 14. What made me stay? I had ideation, but never actively suicidal until now. Lack of painless methods, still having had zest for life, and dreams. Not anymore. We all have a "most terrible thing that could happen to me" - something that would just totally destroy you inside. Well I'm at that point now. There is no coming back from what happened to me. I will never be whole again. I could live broken and in pain - or end it, and it is time to end.
It is soon, very soon.