Venting Tired

[flutt3rshy]

Just a simple vent, I need to get things out of my head without worrying the people around me.

I'm so tired of this. Every time I think I'm getting better, it just starts going downhill again, for no apparent reason. Even my physical health is declining now, making it hard to try and get my mood up. Right now for example, I'm extremely depressed today and logically I know, from lots and lots of therapy, is that I need to just start any activity, anything at all. And I'll feel better. But I'm so nauseous and my stomach hurts. I don't know, maybe I'm just whining at this point.

This life fucking sucks. And I don't think it'll ever get better. My violent suicidal intrusive thoughts get more and more intrusive. Like even when I just, I dunno, drop my phone I'll be hit with such intense, gorey, violent visual thoughts of me stabbing myself. I'm just waiting for the day to come when I can't control it anymore, the thoughts catch me in a weak moment, and I actually do it. I pray the day comes soon, because in a regular "just depressed" state, I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. But I don't wanna do this much longer.

This system will eventually kill me. I cannot imagine a world where I grow old and die of old age. I'm convinced that someday I will kill myself. I'm discriminated against every single day, I can't fucking do this anymore. This system hates people like me, the system loves the rich and powerful, they love privileged white assholes and they despise losers like me. And losers like me don't even get a single chance in life. And if they're too mentally ill to get a disability certificate FOR THEIR MENTAL ILLNESS then oh well! What a shame! Rot in your parents basement then! Your fridge is empty, you cut yourself and no one will ever be willing to put up with your illnesses! Kill yourself!!

I'm so, so fucking tired of this nonsense. This fucking discrimination and this ableist system. When I do kill myself, I'm gonna name exactly what killed me in my suicide note. I feel like maybe I have to do it, just to change something, to wake people up. I want my suicide note on the news, I want it posted and spread, I want it to spark huge political debates and riots and demonstrations. Because something has to change and if it means I have to kill myself for it, then so be it! It will happen one way or another, sooner or later.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi I also share that need to do anything or fall into huge depressions. It's true but also very hard to start anything or get out of that state when you feel like that.
Not that many these past few days but I also got those gorey suicide images, like one of my fav ways to fall asleep was to imagine myself being slowly cut into pieces. And yeah the ocasional lets see if my brain can simulate a movie bout how'd it look if I got run over by a train oh look it can.

I honestly fear that out of control moments when its too much and you can cede to the impulse. I've had those, just didn't have a gun or method at hand. But those weak moments pass the hardest and you can even end up wishing for them when you are so numb and desperate. I feel u there :(

Also, and this is my personal opinion, I don't think you would be helping by killing yourself, or instilling change. People have done that, it has done little, most times nothing. Like you said, that's what the system wants you to do mostly. And I think you deserve a lot more than that and what you are currently being given. thats my opinion tho

In any case I'm glad you are venting this stuff, that helps. There is little to love in death or in our survival state, but some things are worth it so if you can start an activity, distract and even love it or enjoy yourself for a while well I hope u can do that is all. That's our best bet. anyways lots of hugs, vent whenever <3333